I apologize for the poor construction of this topic, I am using a tablet device and it has been having issues lately. Anyways, the topic I want to discuss is hatred. Not self hatred; hatred for everyone and everything around you. I am a male in my mid twenties and for the past few years my feelings could best be described as evil. I am not open about it and I hide it very well, but nonetheless I just can’t stand the people around me. As far as I know, I’m not depressed or self loathing, but all of my thoughts towards others (even those closest to me) are usually very dark. I am posting this to find out if there is any other diagnosed individuals out there who went, or are going through the same thing, and if so, how did handle it.
I’m sorry to say this, but yes, I went through a time of hatred for everyone, everything, around me. I wanted to destroy and push away and I had utter contempt for everything for a while in my life. I didn’t handle it well. I didn’t get help for it. I acted on it. I hate everyone and want them all to leave me alone because I hate everything.
Well, eventually I got my way and I was completely alone, homeless, rabid, got my ribs broken while living in a homeless camp. Went hungry for many days and got left completely alone.
Finally when I realized that I was in fact going to die, and I was so far out of my head I was taken in to hospital and I’m sure my parents had to pull some strings to keep me out of jail. I was in hospital instead of jail. I started to heal.
Then it sort of hit me… hate everyone around you, and soon you can be completely and utterly alone too. For some that suits them. But for me, I don’t like being homeless, hungry and ill.
When I was younger perhaps, some. But I found a way out of it. It wasn’t exactly the same…I still prefer the company of just a few like minded souls, but I don’t necessarily loath all the others.
You chose the name Enki, If you are a descendant of Enki that might explain some things, and there is where you might want to explore.
I don’t get a long with everyone, in the past when I was not well and off antipsychotics during this time, I held on to hatred and some of my hatred spilled out through arguments, conflict etc… I remember getting into arguments with certain cashiers, sales people, I even got into a huge argument with a car dealer who was almost 7 ft tall and a body builder. I did not care or knew better. This guy wanted to beat me up, but my father intervened.
Now as I am well medicated and older (wiser) I have mellowed a bit. If I get derailed, my anger will show up again
OH BOY DO WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON. I was SURE that everyone was in a conspiracy against me, and one night, after antidepressants, a pack of cigarettes and about 20 drinks, I got belligerent and hostile and was taken in after seven cops pulled up and surrounded me in my own kitchen with like 9 of my friends there, I was shouting at them and slapping them in the face and challenging everyone and speaking about “this ends now” and ■■■■.
It was ugly, and all I felt up to and during that point for the last 9 months (my onset at that point) was distrust and hatred for everyone, even my girlfriend, I thought she was just a plant to keep me from being aggressive and suicidal.
Yes I used to feel like a demon. I thought I was a metaphorical half demon half angel, with aggression and schizophrenia running on my paternal side and very kind, very intellectual, devout Catholics (my mother used to be a nun and went to Notre Dame) on my maternal side. I am an atheist, I just thought of it as “I practically am, I am the closest thing to it in reality”
Heres my demon side I drew when I was psychotic
But yeah all I used to feel was hatred. Hatred for other people. Then when I got insight and was diagnosed I hated life in general and the fact that I existed. I only wore red, white and black, it was one of my delusions (still wear only those colors but just out of respect for my struggle, Im not delusional about them anymore) it had many meanings, but it basically meant I saw only black and white and then red, no other colors, just black and white, rationality and science and then rage and lust, nothing more but nothing less.
If you want to private message me, feel free, I am in remission and my symptoms are 90% gone with my meds. I used to be actively hateful, I was antisocial and exercised excessively, among other things. I had 3 belts, working on my fourth in Krav Maga (Israeli hand to hand combat, deadly, very serious) when I had my onset and had taken an intense crash course in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and then taught myself Muay Thai. When I was being evaluated he asked me why I had bruises all over my shins and elbows and raw knuckles. I proceeded to become an alcoholic in my second semester of college, still exercising like crazy.
Today I am on three sedating meds and rely on tons of caffeine to function, but I take special preworkout stimulant supplements and am on a competitive powerlifting team, I havent let go of that side of me, but it has a constructive place now, earning ranks will look good on my profile for graduate school, and I am a straight A student on a full academic scholarship, ironically studying psychology.
I handled it by self harm. My exercise was in the self-harm range. This is what my evaluator said. I would eat one piece of toast, two black coffees and then run for 45 mins and practice on my three punching bags after that on some days, I would eat more food and do my weightlifting routines (which were insane) the other days of the week. The evaluator said that what I was doing was the male form of cutting myself all over, he said they call people who cut them selves “sergeants” because of the similarity of the sergeant insignia and cuts and the fact that people who engage in self harm are honorable because they hurt themselves instead of other people. Or something like that. He said if I was female and didnt have masculine outlets I would have scars all over me. I did burn myself with cigarettes a few times and tried to hang myself once too.
I will be 21 in a couple of weeks. Meds are all we’ve got. The side effects suck dick but it’s better than living in that waking nightmare, ■■■■ that. I advise getting on meds, not ■■■■■■■ seroquel it should be called serohell, it makes you fat and stupid. Ask for Geodon or Latuda, the newest ones, I take Geodon, xanax and propanolol. You might have to drink a lot of caffeine, I do, but hey Im feeling alright with a pot of coffee in me right now.
it is good to talk about it, but anger and pychosis are the two things that are not going away for me at the moment.
you know what is right and wrong and so do i, so i think evil things but in reality i save moths from the dog bowl.
kindness wins over evil every time