So not sure if my DX is sza or Bipolar disorder but psychosis has been a major part of my illness. I can throw myself into a psychotic episode simply he reliving the trauma that caused me to first get sick 15 years ago in therapy. I don’t know how much more I can handle. Saw a post on here about suicide and am feeling suiccidal. Anyone else recognize the severity of their illness and not be able to cope with it?
My dr says I need to practice "radical acceptance"
Because I used to be high functioning.
I don’t know, this is all too much for me, I don’t want any part in this nonesense anymore.
Thinking about checking out for good and I’m only 39. It’s not fair that we got robbed of our lives and have to pay around and watch the world pass us by. There are a lot of bad people out there that don’t deserve to share the same air as some of us and they are happy and enjoying their lives. While we suffer every day with crippling symptoms.
I’m really disappointed that my life turned out this way. I wonder if anyone else feels the same way?
I don’t see myself making it to this summer.
I also used to be highly functional and now I am tied to a chair, so to speak. With negatives symptoms on board there s only so much I can do. Every day is the same I feel already dead, nothing brings me joy anymore, I am incapable of love or hate, my mind is a total wreck too. My nights are filled with dreams that dont make sense.
But this is my life and I decided to carry on. I told myself that afterlife - if there is one - can wait a little longer. I am 33. I am ready to wait until I’m 50 for new and better treatments. And they WILL come.
@Andrey thanks for responding and God Bless.
I hate to hear that anyone else struggles with this because I know how hard it is. It’s unfair that we got robbed of so much by this illness. I’m like the shell of who I once was. Years of psychosis and antipsychotics have eroded my personality and my motivation as well. I am afraid to go places for fear that I might lose my mind while I’m there.
I also committed to hold out for better medications and I really do hope they come out someday. It’s hard to imagine that they wouldn’t with all of the research going on but I am afraid this won’t happen in our lifetime or if it does we will have lost our prime years. One of my fears is going my whole life like this and if I have just one day free of this insanity then I feel like the wait will be worth it.
Then there are days like today. When I realize what this disease has done to my life, what the meds have done to my body. And the fact that my mind is still not completely under control. I feel as though I have no choice but to end it, except for the fact that I have a loving and concerned family which I hope you do to. Anyway I can relate to what you said, about being “strapped to a chair”. We’re stuck and it’s no fun. I’m praying for all of us that one day we get relief.
Yes I have my parents and a few good friends who would be devastated to see me leave so early 
I also think about them but mostly about myself. It’s just as you said, if I live to see the day when treatments will really help us overcome this goddamn beast, I will feel like a winner. I always was a bad loser, the word is not in my vocabulary
I’ll see myself out now, it’s time for a shut eye…