So... It goes?

Head, pressure, senses, clutched, date, divinity, wouldn’t ■■■■.

Bah… Life goes on mates… and dames.

I can’t express the sorrow I feel for you all. Nor the distaste for the ignorances you all face and faced before your illnesses.

I must have commited to not crying, because I can’t any more. I can’t even feel real pain. When I do it registers as beautiful. I was numb for too long.

I might die… I mean I’m going to die. From this though, this submission, this acceptance, this allowance… It kills me that this world is ■■■■■■. That we are limited. That stupidity and embracing the moment wins because no one really knows what to do.

And if we try we go insane… It ain’t supposed to be. Its as if you’re defying god to slip outside your role and try to be something you weren’t supposed to be.

The pain of it. To see what needs to be done. The individual accepts complacence and passable character. Comfort and indulgence over progress. The last dying whims of my idealism as I submit to the ways of the world I guess.

I fear that… I’m just going to watch it burn. These smiley assed fucktards… Sitting around and mucking about, bits of mud mudding into each other. Then realizing they are just as me only in a different way.

I ■■■■■■ with people’s heads you know. I’ve made people cry just to exert some force of change on the world. Didn’t do ■■■■ in the end but poison my soul.

3 years of psychosis as penance. It’s passing now. It’ll never stop. The commoner is king in the modern world. The giggle into their virtual infinites. As if they are plugged into what’s beyond the veil. Like they already know the solution to all that concerns me. It makes them seem fake and the same. Equally dead, happiness aside. Then they go work and slave and make the world turn… And I watch. Knowing that they wouldn’t have a god damn chance of doing what I’ve done if they were in you or my shoes.

It’s jealousy that leads me to this… Not to say it’s true or not.

Blessed or ignorant ot conformed or just plain ass regular people who focus on entertaining themselves instead of being something or changing things, but they already are something. They have people. They are relevant. They change themselves and shape their futures. They enjoy their breaks.

Psychosis is hell. There is no break. Their happiness only makes it seem its intentional like they’re against you. I can’t really believe yet, but they’re not…

These dumb ass ■■■■■■■ pricks ain’t got a god damned clue of what the world is made of pr how it works… On that note neither do I… But at the same time I do. Quarks to quasars… To the bubbly distribution of galaxy clusters.

I have to co-exist… And it feels like on top of everything else they want me dead. Purdy fuggen gay.(no offense).

Someday I’m going to find a field and settle my voices and just stay there. I mean if I find it peaceful I won’t want to leave.

Meh… The 50 year dying cry of a schizo. I’d ask you to pitty me but you know my pain. Wince for the rest of my life… God damn fucken pricks of normality will drive you insane.

Wish I could show you what I’ve seen, but I’m sure some of you know.

The dream of a thousand cycling critical minds pressed against yours… The inherent invalid some schizos are inside. Torn apart for the rest of time.

Again I’ll say… Fuggen gay.

I’ll find peace anyway. Like I said I’m slipping out of it. They’re discomfort equals mine as I should be dead.

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One of those days, uhn?

My dysphoric mania relates to this on a high level.

how do I do it minnii… how do I tolerate people…

i mean the answer would be ■■■■ the pain away but that aint happening…

and uh… god damned… no offense to anyone who might be offended… but I’m frankly tired dumb shallow giggly enjoyment everyone gets off on… I’mma go pansian here for a second…

these people suck and are dumb as rocks… even their emotional weight doesnt count for ■■■■… I mean… maybe I shouldn’t have watched that hitler flick… and thank god I don’t have any power…

bah … I was never happy like that anyways… I don’t get it… never was… never stood a chance… never got along with this crap… hate sex… hate the sleaze… hate pretty much everything…

at least right now…

thankfully we got these things… these words… I can just bitch about nothing for a minute or two without doing anything but making myself look like a total ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■… hahah hahah haah

I fold… Can’t change the deck… the ■■■■’s rigged.

My beautiful friends… the most interesting people I know… everything you are is all that should ever be to me.

Remember the weight of the world is the sound that we used to buy… take that on and you’ll end up seeing things so differently from those who live in the square focus of their box minds… eyes facing forward… that anxious unknown surrounding them… and then BOOM target acquired… you intimidate us all so we are going to ■■■■ WITH YOU.,… that’s delusional as balls… and I prolly need to take a zyprexa… but uh all the god damned same that’s been my reality for the last 3 years… whether I’m talking about it or not…

hah

I don’t even know what to do… Alive and wired… dead inside… could run a mile… but would rather die…

still I’ll stick around and fight … these voices aint ■■■■… I just made a mistake… I went out to a resto at 2:30 am hoping to have a quiet late night meal… sure enough… bantering morons at every table… they just don’t stop… hah

and they’re everywhere… dahh… @pansdisease I feel your pain bro.

ahhhhh… been surpressing that rant for a long while now… I just want to scare the ■■■■ out of these people so they’ll shut the ■■■■ up/… but I know that’s a fuggen retarded thing to do…

I don’t want to get jailed or hospitalized… ever… I’m wise and conscious enough to know that I should just avoid those scenarios or only go out if friends are involved… seriously… the common lot… as condescending as it is… ■■■■ them…

I sequester myself to the pain of ongoing and infinite torment… I have too…

I only have a few real life friends that speak interestingly to me… every second of every day around all the other folks… I’d rather just run away.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggg

the silent relapse… no more voices… just extreme ■■■■■■■ anger as it seems god has given these pricks the right to prod at me constantly… Listen to how ■■■■■■■ stupid they are… and apparently I’m the only one who is 100% in my mind at all times?

they never do anything wrong?

this illness blows big ole ■■■■■■■ dicks all day… and apparently not mine…

g…f…n…d…

what a waste of life… watered down by stupid… lets take a big ole sip… drink it up… drink up the god damn life… all of it…

Take a zyprexa man, you’re not making sense at all. Just a hateful vent, you are cycling a lot. Have you schedulled that appointment yet? Make sure you do, I don’t like where this is heading.

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I’ll take the zyprexa…

it was a vent…

Others are others, they’re not you neither do you have the need to see the resemblences. But I’m very much prone to “what we don’t like about others is what we don’t like about ourselves” thing, we all have flaws, some more than others.

this path you’re following, its just not going to bring you anything good. You know this, others are others, they’re not you. What you see in them that you hate, it doesn’t affect you that much, you just don’t like the existence of it.

Maybe you’re projecting your anger about having this illness onto others being normal and their pursuit of happiness. But you can also be happy.

You ask my opinion, and I think you being treated, even if the voices don’t go completely away, will keep you stable enough and more likely to enjoy life and understand others.

Of course, being able to distinguish right from wrong is completely necessary, and I think you’re going through a phase where you don’t see it clearly.

Please schedulle that pdoc appointment and treat your illness man, you’re cycling a lot and eventually it will turn on you, I know you know this.

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It looks like it’s time to go back on meds full time. You’ve become incoherent lately. Things will only get worse.

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Look, zyprexa isn’t PRN. It takes a while to build up in your blood, like 2 weeks to a month. You’ve got to see your psychiatrist again soon. I’m worried about you buddy.

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The poisons are over taking my body. If i don’t take them they return and torture me again.

Just got reamed again last night by my narcissistic brother with psychopathic tendencies, he were drunk again.

My body is burning all of the time. Im possessed, a torture victim, haunted until dead, and living with completely careless people.

I sit outside at night having my mind opened to hurtful interdimensional things that prove the creation of the world. Knowing that we’re genetically engineered mutated ape people is a bit unsettling to say the least.

Broken homes, kidnapping, custody battles, fighting fighting fighting and more fighting, poverty, malnourishment, beatings, drunkenness, possesssions, hauntings, torture, thieving, abuse, lies lies and more lies.

You don’t know my pain.

@Azley , meds don’t sound like they’re solving all your problems, but they’ll keep you sane. Better to be sane than insane, as the latter can kill you.

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I’ll go make the appointment today.

@everhopeful the zyprexa does induce sleep. It hits me heavy… and it does do pretty well to curb the positive symptoms. What I was prescribed is a PRN… 5 mg tablets that dissolve and set in quickly.

I’m going to try and get started on the minimum dose of abilify. Or at least try… the p-doc might suggest otherwise.

I gotta say sorry to all of you and thank you for caring. It was a relapse night and I was basically entirely alone.

I’m really grateful to have the support system I do… both here and beyond.

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