The most badass, crazy and hardcore metal musician in my itunes library gave a message that really made me get my ■■■■ together. Hearing this sort of stuff from Corey Taylor helped. I had been in a downward spiral for over a month and hearing this guy’s story struck a nerve. It is very hard to get to people like me.
Im back. I’m studying hard and training hard in the gym. Skullf–k schizophrenia. Im on a temporary additional antipsychotic which knocks me out at night and makes me sleep, also contains my behavior during the day. So what if the side effects suck?
I’ve got a midterm in a tough class Wednesday and I am going to give it my all. I went out and bought the deluxe edition of Slipknot’s new album yesterday and have been listening to it, it helps.
My friends are all here for me. I appreciate them. Two of them are chronic paranoid schizophrenics like I am, they could tell I was not OK and intervened with telling me that I was out of line and needed to get back to reality.
Sometimes I have to hear it from someone I respect in my own twisted way.
My ego is ridiculous, but sometimes life is all just a joke. When I think that way, nothing is funny anymore. It all looks the same when I get like that. My whole world goes black.
Well fk that. I have come too far to “puss out” like one of my friends in the struggle tells me.
Suicide is not funny. I attempted suicide when I was not diagnosed at 19. I was at rock bottom.
I was so psychotic that I could hardly even eat several days ago, I was too angry to do anything other than scream and pound my fist on the table.
So if you feel down, if life is driving you mad, get help. Even when it is just simply out of control, there is still hope that it will stop. For me, the solution is help and support from friends, family and my two doctors. I thought I was just done, off the deep end, gone berserk and not coming back. I couldnt tell what was real or not just a few days ago. Well that’s over now.
My solution is to get in the classroom and weight room and achieve. That’s not normal. Most people with schizophrenia take it easy. Don’t think that lifting heavy weights until you can hardly walk is the right thing for you, it is the right thing for me.
Just sharing what the almighty mouse does when he has episodes of schizophrenia.