Despite severe schizophrenia that weakens my immune system, disrupts my sleep, makes me dumb
and puts anguishing thoughts in my head,
and it affects me since early childhood( without it would have been a SUPERB mathematician)
and atrocious upbringing and an atrocious Israeli education system,
I managed to study some mathematics today.
Then, I went to a strength training session with an instructor and, after 20-25 minutes of rest,
put in a RECORD performance on the elliptical trainer.
I want my records from fitness to transfer to mathematics.
Well I never sleep due to ptsd and abilify. I’ve done so much today it’d mind ■■■■ you. But I’m ■■■■■■ up as hell. It’s all about motivation. @zeno just with post reminded me why I fight so ■■■■■■■ hard. I may be sick but I sure as heck will do the best I can. MI sux and can be debilitating but sometimes you have to put it in that next gear. I just take one day at a time and be better than anyone expects of me. I crumble and fall but also have victories…too. Without pushing, you never know what you can do medicated or not. I can’t even drive cuz of meds
After the psychosis became really bad and I flunked out of school I was determined to go back to school. So before I started taking meds and still hoped the condition would just go away I started to drag out my calculus book and really study it seriously. I reached a point where it began to make sense. Then the voices began to blast in my head and I quickly forgot everything i learned as though it was sandblasted out of it. I found later that I had strong legs and decided to make something out of that and learned to use my body rather than my brain in life. My legs allowed me to shelve books at the Library and I worked for over a decade there and at another place. My mind came back some when I started taking the meds but I found out I was better at history and remained poor at math. Before I had the relapse I earned an associate’s degree in History with a 4.0 average. You may find that your body strength is your main strength in life and what you should rely on for now and you may find your mind may partially recover someday too. It’s not impossible to come back. Just don’t expect miracles like the one I expected that led to my relapse.
My mind is fried from sza. On meds, I lack motivation and cannot learn as well. I’m not as smart as I used to be. I guess my iq used to be 130 and is now 120. The only benefit besides not relapsing, is on meds, I don’t have memory loss and I retain information better. I guess I also don’t make as many loose associations.
I’m not fit at all. I’m a chain smoker and I’m overweight. I don’t eat healthy and I don’t expect to die of old age.
I can’t run on meds. I’m hoping iti-007 will help me. My negatives and cogntives suck as well as my atypical positives. I have depression.
I would have loved to been a mathematician, economist, or investment banker. I think I would have been a subpar mathematician even pre diagnosis. I think finance was my calling.
I can’t work, I don’t play music, my hearing sucks, I’m clumsy, and I’m horrible when it comes to learning and remembering languages, except very very basic German.
