Struggling to accept my gender

I have had feelings years ago when I had my first breakdown at 18, that I wish I was born a man. I drew three sketches of myself - one with long hair, one with short hair, and one with short hair and a beard, to symbolise the transition from woman to man. Later when I got better at about 22 or so, I grew to love being a female. Now the old feelings are resurfacing and I wish so bad now that I was born a man. I hate being a woman, and all the things about being a woman. I look at men and think how lucky they are, they have it so hunky dory, and they can grow beards, which I wish I could. Strange but true - because I’m crazy about beards on men. And I hate the thought that if my husband and I have children, it will be me saddled with pregnancy, childbirth and most of the nursing the child. He just plants the sperm and has it easy while I have to bloody suffer. And men have all the fun in sex as well, for me its just a pleasureless chore. Oh God… why did I have to be a woman? Its so hard to come to terms with it, and being a Muslim its even harder, because I as a woman have to cover my whole body and head and neck when I got out in public. The men have it easy, they just grow a beard which I wish I could have done. I cut my hair short like a man, but it doesn’t help, I’m stuck in a woman’s body and short hair looks stupid and weird on a woman’s face. I should have kept it long. I still wear skirts I like them, but men have it so much easier in clothing as well, they don’t have to dress to impress and wear make up. Oh God, I’m just rambling on here, sorry, but I wanted to let it out with somebody how hard it is for me to accept me being female. I wish I could accept it and love it like I used to, because its no use fighting it, I can’t go for a sex change operation, that’s just crazy and I think its wrong. Stuck in a female body I am trapped, doomed to stay a woman till I am dead. Suppose I just gotta find things that are nice about it, otherwise I will become suicidal!

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I have one relative who was a female, but then chose to be a male and changed her name to have a name of a male. Although I am a 47-year old man, I often like women and how they behave. I like many things that normal men do not like such as flowers, perfumes and jewelry. Of course, you being a Muslim it is much harder for you. I am not in any religion at all.

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what ever you are its ok sending hugsx

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men do have it easy, i am a man/sith.
i admire women for all they have to put up with in society and of course physically also.
hope you are feeling better today.
take care

@EarthChild Many times people living with bpd - borderline personality disorder get confused over their gender identity and sexual preference - In other posts you mentioned that you had bpd along side of your SZ.
Do and feel what makes you happy - this is the important thing


thank you for the replies, I am just putting up with it. My husband helped me by saying men also have their hardships so it put it into perspective. I just have to carry on living as a woman. its not all bad, some days, most days I’m ok.

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thanks, Wave, you put it into perspective for me.

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I used to be on a site called oasisjournals
I’m pretty sure it’s still there. It is there to help people (usually teenagers, but there are plenty of adults on there who help) with their struggles with sexuality and gender. I found it really helpful. No one around me seemed capable of believing I liked girls in any way (I didn’t feel safe telling my parents for a long time).
I went through a bout of wondering about my gender. You seem pretty sure about yours (male). I know this is probably going to make you mad, but I think it needs to be addressed. When you were sick(er) did you identify as male or female?
I’m pretty sure no one on there will judge you about age (I don’t know how old you are but you seem very mature). There were plenty of ftm (female to male) people and plenty of mtf (male to female) people a long with gay, bi, and once in a blue moon you saw an ally. (Not because there aren’t supportive people out there. There are). A lot of people on there are just as confused as you are.
Also people who have used the journals (which work just about the same way these forums do) have older people who have been through everything who come back and kinda mentor people through rough spots.

It helped me a lot.

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I have many transgender/transsexual friends. If you would like information about all of this stuff or just someone to talk to I would like to help.

I really don’t know what to say…I am bisexual, I identify as very masculine however, I am a competitive powerlifter. I have a military hairstyle, close buzzed head and short sideburns, usually clean shaven. I enjoy sex with women and men. I fantasize and have sex with both men and women I meet. It’s hard to describe how it feels to be bisexual, its basically a lot of fun but hard to be satisfied and hard to find lasting relationships.

I would suggest a sex change but you said you just can’t- I am really sorry.

I began to wonder about my gender after I got a computer in 1997. Let me tell you, it is difficult to be a man in the US. You’ve got to deal with the way men are presented in the media. Men are usually at each others throats proving they are more of a man than the next guy. In Islamic cultures, women are not acknowledged as much as men, if at all. Women in the US have a lot of freedom to compete with men. They can dress any way they want. The freedom is there if they want to avail themselves of it. There are basic differences between men and women physically and usually, although not always, mentally. Our next president might be a woman. I prefer the company of women to men. I can sympathize with you knowing you come from an Islamic culture. It is difficult being a woman in Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan, even in Iran.

The grass is always greener on the other side.

In all actuality we all have dying yards and only think we want the other person’s, but his yard is almost dead to, so we get over there to his yard and that sucks to!

Only one way out of this dilemma, want neither, don’t want to be either.