again, it’s been months since I’ve actually interacted with anybody. And I’m worried I’ll eventually just lose all of my ability to communicate with others.
I have only one acquaintance I talk to sometimes online. And whenever I do, the fear that comes over me is indescribable. I don’t exactly know the nature of this fear, but I feel paralyzed with anxiety whenever I send a message back. My tremors intensify to the point I can’t type. It has something to do with me sounding painfully stupid, weird and unlikable. I just sound so dumb. I feel it’s really hard for others to like me, or even tolerate me. No one wants to put with sick , dumb and miserable me. There’s too much wrong with me for me to have friends. I feel like my cognition is deteriorating, cause most of the time I’m unable to formulate a coherent thought.
I crave communication, but the fear and not being able to think is stopping me and I can’t relate to anyone on any level. I used to be okay with it, but now it’s been way too long and it’s eating me up. I feel ashamed to be myself and ashamed for the stupid meaningless ■■■■ I spew out of my mouth whenever I talk to someone. I feel like I don’t deserve the communication that I crave.
I analyze and obsess over the things I say. I don’t understand other people and the intricacies of a friendship.
I’ll just stick to my cigarettes and music…