OK, so I try this too now… you know about my 20 years old of isolation… but now, when I socialize, I find myself in pain often 
I guess it’s because of me, my hell and confusion in my head, but I feel very bad sometimes after a talk… I hate this about myself now tbh…
I am so low, that I can’t handle even some tougher truths…
I wonder if my rests of envy screwsss up my relationships now… don’t judge me hard on this please it’s a lot what I’ve been through, 20 years isolation would destroy everyone I guess…
I had to pardon to myself this envy… even though that it probably still governs me sometimes…
But yeah, my point was that I was so bad and deep in hell for so long, that maybe I need to avoid the people now until better no? I annoy them all tbh…
And I am a total turn off probably for all the guys yeap… 
The pdocs usually say, that I should continue socializing if I want to get better, but I am a completely turn off yeah, that’s all…
Not if its making you suffer.
I hate socializing. I mean, I hate hate HATE socializing. I do it anyhow because I am even unhealthier if I don’t. Something short and unpleasant is better than long and lingering.
Now why would not socializing be good for you when isolation is bad for you @Anna1?
Just make sure the people you’re socializing with aren’t being mean to you. When you’re trying to beat a depression you generally have to do things you don’t like.
Yeah, aziz, but almost everything normal and good for the mental health makes me suffer now…
I suffer for things, which are not made to suffer on lol, that’s all…
One pdoc told me, that I’ll never be happy without the others… I have mainly two friends now, one online bf for whom idk if I mean something for him and my mom…
I can get in deep pain even by the smallest words sometimes lol…
Welcome sz, yeah… a chronical one, an atavistic maybe too, the one who makes run away everyone…
And my last friend, who is ill too, said in my back that “the men don’t like me much, cause I am ugly”…
Well, my illness was particularly physical, it deformed a lot tbh, but this one from her was tough… she was having always all the men around us, while to me, these ones even didn’t address to me a word…
Idk tbh how she was attracting so much attention, while me, I was the uglier for them, on every occasion… to the point, that not a single guy didn’t even flirt with me for the last 20 years lol…
Some szs are attractive I guess. Me, not…
Isolating and sufferng social myself. Really, its difficult meeting agreeable people where you both get along. Its like when I get deluded into thinking I can meet agreeable friends on the street. Its good you have a few to turn to now. If your interested in dating maybe the match sites could help. Keep trying to socialize or try online more. Whatever works best for you. Also, continue to improve alone time with hobbies and stuff.
I think Velociraptor has it right. There have been times when I was thinking, “Oh good, I can be alone in the house for three weeks”, but I was pretty miserable during that time. But I am like you. I have lived 62 years, and I have spent the great majority of that time in isolation. It all depends on your frame of mind. There were times when I was completely alone and I was very happy. I was reading a lot. That lasted for about eight months. Now I am like Velociraptor. I hate socializing, but I have to do it. You get too spooky when you’re alone all the time. I’m getting about the right amount of socialization. I go to day treatment five days a week six hours a day, I think. I hate socializing. I am so tense. People are amazed when I do the smallest things because I am so frozen. One thing that used to help me was to get up about three in the morning and go to a park and do plyometrics and shadowboxing. That felt good.
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