Schizophrenia.com

Self-Harm & Running away


#1

Hi,

Umm… I am having issues. The box of memories and the rubber band are not sufficient to keep me from cutting, I think because the reason I want to cut is not because of depression or suicide or anything like that. Sarah keeps telling me that I should look at the muscles, the muscles are wrong and that I need to get these worms out of my body. So there is that, but also I just have the urge, strong urge to do it. And it is making concentrating at work impossible. Also I want to run away from everything… i just want to get away from all of this, i feel like if i can run fast enough i can get away… K is very upset about my cutting she says it hurts her and I don’t want to hurt her. My speak at work keeps getting messed up, I ham aving a good morning today with it and spelling things correctly but I keep having visions of driving into oncoming traffic in the morning on the way to work. I couldn’t draw last night. I am constantly paranoid and everything is starting to look very strange. I don’t know what to do about all of this… Still can’t find a doctor, not on meds.


#2

Do you have to drive to work? Be careful!
I don’t know what to say…I was gonna say think of how K will feel, but you already mentioned that.
Sarah is? An entity, a voice? Argue with her…send her over here…if you could…
there are no worms. i felt that only one time on my back and instead of freaking out I pressed down on the mattress and let them give me a massage which felt kinda good…never had them since…

There are always ways to turn it around.
just be careful and stay cool, okay?


#3

You are going through some very high level stress. Even if you don’t go to a mental health person who is trained in SZ, you sound like you need some stress relief.

First I would open up and tell K about how you feel. Lean on her. If she’s your partner, let her help you.

If it’s the wedding that is overly stressing you out, is there a way to live together and forget the official ceremony? Or postpone until you feel stronger? Or make the ceremony simple and quick?

I’m sorry you are having this hard time. I do hope you find the inner strength and the outer help to put the blade down. It’s not easy, and I admire the strength you’ve had so far.

I’m rooting for you and hoping to send you some extra strength.


#4

Hi @sasha, maybe it is time for you to find a doctor - there has to be one that will accept you within a 60 mile radius. Meds could help you - cutting and suicidal thinking are not solutions. Imagine feeling better - meds might be a good option for you. I used to cut because I was in such emotional pain - I felt out of control between my thinking and mood disorders.
At this point you have nothing to lose -


#5

I do have to drive to work… I have been thinking perhaps I should commit myself for a week or so… I don’t really think know bad… i think that would be bad… I don’t have the PTO from work I would get fired i am sure.

I have to pay the bills K doesn’t make enough money… i have to keep working. I just GOD a;ldkjf;alksdjf;lkajds ■■■■ everything today… i don’t know how i am going to make it till 5pm but I have to… my meds are empty… i take meds for something else that makes my hormone levels all ■■■■■■ up when I don’t take them… and I am sure that is not making things better… get more on lunch hopefully… if the stupid doctor didn’t forget me again… i think he wants me to die. they all want to hurt me and I don’t want to be here with all these people.


#6

I would love to find a doctor, no luck. Not suicidal. i don’t want to die… just keep seeing myself being harmed.


#7

Just be careful and focus and you can get through it…i know that’s easier said than done… Hope the doctor didn’t forget either… I know how that is because i once was supposed to have a script for 3 pills, and only one really worked…it was trazadone that helped me sleep when i was going through hard times…I went to pick up the scripts and they had only sent in for 2 of the meds and not the trazadone! grrr.


#8

Stupid doctors. I hate them.


#9

Good thing about here on the forums is you can vent this stuff, and can sometimes get more out of it than from seeing a doctor…though the forum can’t give you meds… it is a place to talk.


#10

I think I really could … need some help. I want to commit myself but it is bad for me to do that. I want to not have to work… but i can’t.

I just want to be LEFT ALONE… i want a dark room, and to be left alone… wuiet for just a few hours. day. i don’t want to be around people.

i just want to go home. =(


#11

Maybe try to work on a way where you don’t have to work that job but still make same or similar income…i did that back in 2005 - 2006
In your situation it seems your work pays the bills, so can’t really just ditch it.
Also, going in hospital would affect your job? You would at least lose the pay for those days…so that kinda sux.


#12

Right I don’t have any more PTO so if i had to be committed best case scenario i would be unpaid leave… worst case scenario they fire me.


#13

I would have said maybe take just the day off…a sick day or something, but you are probably already at work now?
At least you would only lose one day pay, stay home with K and maybe talk, or just relax…

If you’re at work it’s cool you can get online from time to time…Jobs like that are actually kinda cool because you don’t have to be off the internet for all those hours…just gotta be careful about getting caught, LOL


#14

I just want to cry. I don’t want to be here.


#15

I remember hurting myself. It was because another injury was making me shy and I couldn’t remember it to explain it to people, so I hurt myself additionally to explain why I was withdrawing. Wish I could have explained it to myself !


#16

We have been living together for almost 3 years now. The wedding can’t happen here right now because it is not legal in Oklahoma for same sex marriages. Not a big concern at the moment. K hid all the sharp objects in the house and I am at work the sharpest thing i have here is a paperclip. Not having my meds is making my stomach feel like it is being torn to pieces, and i just have high anxiety and i really don’t want to be around people. I just want to draw skeletons and learn my anatomy, i want to start with the bones on the feet and work my way to the skull one bone at a time until I can memorize each of their shapes and order and name. That is what I want to do right now. But instead i am stuck here at work trying to remember how to program and focusing on my tasks here. I have calmed down a little bit but there are ants marching circles on my monitor, my drink keeps melting into the desk and i have to keep moving my arm away from it so i don’t get my clothes covered in this black chocolate and my skin itches really bad, i can feel the worms moving around my fingers. I just want to go home.


#17

Stay safe Sasha, after your done work find a place to relax and get your head clear


#18

I got my meds on my lunch break. My stomach doesn’t hurt anymore and I have calmed down a little bit. Still very anxious and paranoid.


#19

just for sasha,flowers to brighten your day……don’t forget everyone cares about you


#20

Thank you @bubbles . I need that today. It has been a rough one.