I feel like people are recording everything I do, or somehow watching me. It’s very hard to feel like I have any privacy. I feel like perhaps I don’t belong where I am, and people are aware of that. Constantly staring at me, whispering about me. Telling each other how out of place I am.
On another note, sometimes when I close my eyes I see very vivid images like my mind is linking to someone else’s. It will often be of something like a basketball dribbling on the ground, and then suddenly flying at my face, which jerks me awake rather abruptly; or out of my dissociated state, depending on the time of day. Sometimes it’s of people, other times it’s of nameless creatures from beyond the abyssal chasm of subconsciousness. As a Lovecraft fan, these visions often contribute to a delusion that Lovecraftian deities and monsters may actually be real.
I understand that’s a very dangerous belief to have, considering the acute occultism and sacrificial nature of Lovecraft’s religions. I do my best to fight this delusion.
But that begs the question, if I fight it, how am I any different from everyone else? What if my entire life is constructed around an illusion and my objective is to shatter this illusion? What if I’m more powerful than I think I am? I’ve had many near-death experiences, some ending in bizarre ways that couldn’t possibly be natural. Perhaps my subconscious controls the fabric of reality, and protects me from the dangers of this atrocious world?
It’s hard not to fall into these delusions, especially with the aforementioned hallucinations. I think, sometimes, I get to the brink of a rambling lunatic. I want to scream for help but that would make me look crazy, and I fear that the only way I can be helped is through hospitalization, one of my biggest fears. To be locked up and told I’m crazy.
So, in the interest of my mental health; please, help me.
I can relate to this a lot. Especially the being watched part. I think it’s just schizophrenia ■■■■■■■ with us because it’s hard to tell what’s real and what isn’t…
Especially when you believe something to be true so much that at a certain point you can’t even wrap ur head around the fact that it may not actually be happening.
I wish I could help. There are the variables of stress level (minimize it if possible), diet, and supplements, that you can control.
An alkaline diet could help, since it has been shown that people with schizophrenia have unusually high amounts of kynurenic acid in their brain. The best way to reduce the amount of kynurenic acid would be for a scientist to develop a compound or gene therapy that increases the expression of kynurenine 3-monooxygenase, which would accomplish that. Absent that, the next best manner to neutralise the acid is to adopt an alkaline diet and raise your blood pH, which is very difficult since the most flavorful foods are generally the most acidic, like meat, dairy, most grains, sugar, fried foods, and black tea and coffee.
I’m about to receive an alkaline water machine to test the alkalinity approach to reducing symptoms myself. I’ve heard good anecdotes about former agoraphobes reducing their anxiety low enough to enjoy going outside again after drinking that water for a few weeks. Personally, I sleep much better when I have an alkaline dinner.
Supplements have limited success, there are sticky posts about some of the proven ones in the forum. I take a good multivitamin to address possible mineral deficiencies, and a herbal mixture of Bacopa, Green tea extract, Ashwagandha, Milk thistle, and Curcumin, called Protandim. I think it helps, but not well enough to cause a breakthrough. My money’s on the full alkaline approach.
Oh yeah, should have mentioned the benefits of a good anti-psychotic. They can make a big difference in feeling more calm and sane, but they do have side effects, so it could be worth trying different ones through your psychiatrist to find the one that works best and does the least damage.