It takes over your mind, entrenches itself into your thought process and manipulates and controls you and everything about you. It’s not now, nor was it ever, my idea, my decision, my fault, and as such, I will never accept responsibility for how royally it screwed up my own or anyone else’s life. My mom sits here and tries to guide my morality, as if I live without regard for how my actions affect other people. Just because I don’t sit around and moan about my remorse doesn’t mean that I don’t have a conscience. But I am who I am, which means that I am schizophrenic, and sometimes, schizophrenia is the direct or indirect cause of my actions, whether it’s convenient for others or not. My mom confessed that she yelled at me so much while my grandpa was dying because no one had time to deal with my schizophrenia, and then got angry when I didn’t accept that as a valid reason to be a bítch. I held it together the best I could, and if you ask me, I did a damn good job, managing to get through his illness and then death without completely losing my mind. I’ve never lost anyone before, not like that. No one respects me. People talk over me, interrupt me, treat me like what I have to say isn’t important, then get angry when I refuse to just take it. I don’t know where to go from here.
I’ve had to work hard on not letting it be a part of my personality. It’s taken a long time to be able to separate myself from the illness.
Sz is so exhausting. It is so demoralizing.
When I tried to die but woke up in the hospital ward, I was still psychotic and out of touch with reality. I was doing any means to hurt myself.
They tied me up to the rails. I remember wanting to scream. I wanted to hurt myself more than ever and I would just be fighting nonstop.
That night ruined me.
Keep fighting the good fight. People talk over me and disrespect me also but I just take a step back and think about what that means as far as who they are as people. It’s not your problem it’s theirs. My advice to you is to keep climbing that hill and become the best version of yourself you can possibly be, don’t give up.
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