Voices, they are quiet, but they are there. I refuse to pay any attention. But I’m having trouble finding things think about. I want my mind to get caught up in some non sz thought until I drift to sleep but it’s not happening.
I still remember what it was like before the onset to crawl into bed and just have so many thoughts about my life and the people and what I was going to do the next day or stuff that made me laugh, even stuff that pissed me off. But just comfort and happiness because I was tired and ready for bed. My mental framework is just ■■■■■■, the mind doesn’t drift. The voices even when they are this quiet keep my mind in defensive mode. Lockdown, stuck in the thoughtless state of mind I’ve been trying to establish for the last two years.
Really annoying, because that feeling and experience of going to bed was one of the best parts of my life. You start to fanticise about things you want and you create a comfortable mental image of yourself in the world.
Now I’m sitting here listening to the walls creak, and the heater running, and my voices, contemplating whether the universe is alive. Paranoia I guess. Like that a child feels when he’s afraid of the dark or thinks there are monsters in his closet.
Are there invisible entities around me… And then I start to see vague silhouettes in the coloration of the wall.
Wish I had total utter silence. Not these random ticks coming from the walls and in my bathroom.
I had to turn the light on, lol. Like a child. That’s only going to keep me awake for longer, but I woke up at 4pm don’t know when the mind will shut down.
The subtle changes brought on by this illness are easy to overlook and painful when you recognize them.
I guess some nights aren’t as bad as this.
But seriously, completely disconnect from my life before sz. Two years of total preoccupation with things that aren’t real has pretty much left my mind in a state where it doesn’t think about the past, all those pathways have been unused for so long.
I can pull up random images or places, but it has no depth or flow to it. I need to work on this but don’t really see a clear way to do it.
The story of my life.
I remember I had a dream of riding my trike and 5 adult men took the trike and dismantled it. It was more like they looked at it and it started to fall apart. I think I remember crying, but that’s not to clear.
Different house. When cars drove by their headlights would would cast patterns through the curtains and it would seem like all sort of images of things would move along the top of the wall. It would go all around the room, I’m probably remembering that wrong.
The park next to the library.
The college football stadium, my dad was the coach.
My dog nutmeg, collie. Finding the trampoline a week before Christmas.
The big blue house. This is when I started playing Nintendo. I want to say is was super Mario allstars + super Mario world. But I think it was just super Mario world. Which was the best one of them to date. Mario 3 comes in close.
My bro and I killed a kitten. Sat on it, through up against the wall. I probably should have left that part out. I was a stupid kid, regret it the more I think about it.
Got bit by our shitsoo(however it’s spelled). ■■■■ and shoo, like poop and run, always used to think that.
School… Don’t remember much. A staircase, a classroom. Library with computers in it.
So many days of life, so few memories.
This is helping me, I’m having a lot of memories that I’m not writing about.
The highschool gymnasium.
The drama of liking a girl who likes someone else for the first time.
Haha, beating kids up on the playground. No one really got hurt. Just games shoving, and pushing swing kids round by their arms.
What comes next…
Went from stifling to halstead.
Crossing the railroad tracks on our way into town. Halstead has flood gates but they’re open, it’s raining.
This is when I get to the point when I’m intelligent enough to know what’s going on to a degree.
Still got the collie. She was a good dog had her for a long time before we gave her to a farmer.
Churches, both in stirling and in halstead.
Tire swing back in stirling.
Halstead… Elementary school. Lincoln logs toy Indians Oregon trail the playground, building elaborate mazes in the sandbox and putting frogs in them. Catching bees at recess. Eating honey suckle flowers. People.
It’s weird how you can’t remember learning things yet you still know the facts.
Elementary school… What else is there.
Puking at lunch one time.
I can hear breathing right now. In absense of the voices. It’s not my breathing either.
Middle school. More classrooms more people. Friend carl playing Pokemon on his game boy.
Moved to Tennessee. It was hot as hell all the time.
Nicest house I ever lived in though. Had a pool. Pet ducks. I trapped one when it couldn’t jump over the curb.(natural selection the rest made it) made up some bs about how I found it alone and that I needed to keep it. Couple days later my mom brings home a store bought one to keep it company. Named it lewey the one from the wild was either Huey or duey can’t remember. The one from the wild gets sick and dies lewey lives on. Would go swimming with it in our pool. It followed me around everywhere, and chirped like hell when I wasn’t around. Ducks make pretty cool pets.
Started playing Pokemon myself. Got seriously addicted cards the game the show. Pokemon all day, all I talked about in school.
To young for anxiety.
The lunchroom, the gymnasium. Trying to build things around an egg to keep it from breaking when dropped from the roof of the school.
Ooh ■■■■ I missed a big part. I lived in Missouri.
Pet turtles. Paper mâché volcano. Dk country in snes. Childhood fits at shool, I was the new kid that year didn’t fit in. This might have been before I lived in halstead, would have had to have been.
Back to Tennessee, parents start fighting, n64 is released. Played turok. Mind was blown.
We move back to halstead after a year huge waste of money that house.
That’s when I feel like my life really started. Made real friends, had moved around to much before that.
Oh halstead, how I despised you.
Wow at this point it’s like what do I want to remember it’s unfolding. Lots of people that I got to know very well. Including the teachers.
Making animations on their new macs in some software.
Carl sprayed Pam on the floor of the only walkway in from recess, lots of people fell down.
Friends bitching at each other, I was friends with everyone, not so much “the popular kids” in those days, but by the time high school was through I’d hung out with all of them. Only 65 people in my class.
Got a dreamcast, trips to wichita. See an add for Morrowind on toonami ended up getting pso instead. Played the ■■■■ out of it.
Trips to hutch to spend time with my cousins. A lot of fond memories there. Lots of video games. Staying up all night competitions, I always won, probably why I’m skitz.
Can’t really dwell or go to deeply into any of this as I want this post to be reasonably short.
I could chronicle my life by the video games I was playing.
Lots of bs there. School work started to be a real chore, but math got interesting.
Health class, sex Ed. Track. Friend had a seizure. Was tragic for everyone, pretty dramatic ambulance showed up. The let a lot of us sit in the gym bleachers for a while.
Xbox, friends ps2 katamari Damacy, ddr, soul caliber. Halo. So much ■■■■■■■ halo, I schooled everybody I knew. Built a reputation.
Art class got cool, make things we actually used. Still got this cereal bowl with a smiley face at the bottom of it.
I hated school. So slow.
Moving on to highschool. The building on the other side of the parking lots. This is when my life got pretty cool. Started to really crush on girls. I used to love that infatuated feeling. Don’t really get that any more but back then it occupied about 90% of my mind. I was always to scared to talk to girls is just crush hard for a long time. Pretty terrible tactic but whatever it would have been to much for me.
Had lots of friends. Man it’s so crazy to think back to that ■■■■. Had a bass guitar. Still have it. Never really practiced to the day I’m sti not a musician. If I would have been practicing ■■■■. Eh I tried just never took to it.
Friends and I started a band anyways. I was supposed to be the vocalist but it never really developed that far.
Started smoking weed. All the time. Super fun. Way better then school or being sober. Had weed media, friends and I would collect all the things we drew while high. Wish I never would’ve lost it.
Basketball games, sitting in the commons with everyone. Rolling into school thinking I looked good hoping it was the day I talked to that girl. ■■■■ I was hopeful if I’d even see them.
Desperate romantic type.
Senior year. Print shop guru, making ■■■■ for businesses around town, honing in on some photo shop skills.
Publicly known to be high at all times. Pretty functional though. Passed all my classes, got told I was one of the best writers the teacher had ever had. Took a psychology class for college credit.
Calculus. Class size of 3.
All the teachers.
Yeah lots of good stuff there I’ll have to come back to that. Later not on here.
Did end up with my first gf. She was awesome back then. She’s still pretty cool now, but she was like a perfect match back then. Gotta live in a dream relationship for a couple years before it started to go south. I’ll spare tall the details. She was a girl though, ups and downs and different lives trying to make it work.
A lot of sneaking out on school nights to get together.
Hmm. I wonder if she ever thinks about this ■■■■. We were so in love.
Right moving on.
My parents got a divorce when we moved back from Tennessee. Not a big deal to me. Had two houses from that point on.
Graduating high school was awesome. Moved right on to college. Probably shouldn’t have. That’s when my life kind started to feel shitty. Drastically shittier. Wasn’t a kid any more.
Moved in with gf. Went to Ku in the town I live in now. Alone together kind of scenario. Sis was here going to school. Didn’t fit into the college atmosphere as well as the high school one. I think the only thing that made my life enjoyable at that point was being high. Could barely afford the stuff, didn’t really have a job, just classes.
Would rather be high at home playing halo then walking around on campus or studying. Failed out.
Yeah… The last 6 years of my life weren’t very fun. The pot made it seem fun and there were some good times, but that’s when I started to develop my social anxieties that would eventually lead me to psychotic obsession isolation and schizophrenia.
It was awesome smoking pot as a high schooler that ■■■■ was so easy and made ■■■■ so much better, but as soon as you gotta be an adult it’s only gonna hold you back unless your a very driven person.
I know why I don’t remember anything now, the remainder of the story has kind of sucked. Learned a lot, made a bunch of friends I don’t talk to. Not to mention the years of social anxiety, neurosis, and eventual psychosis.
Basically I failed out of another school and started working. Was pretty well liked and worked hard the whole time. Good friends were hard to come by though. I’ve held onto a few of them.
Ben folds lyrics. The wizman will never fit you like the wizkid did.
But yeah I either miss my past to much or it really pisses me off, from that point on.
Guess that got me thinking, mission accomplished. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.