Schizophrenia before bed

Voices, they are quiet, but they are there. I refuse to pay any attention. But I’m having trouble finding things think about. I want my mind to get caught up in some non sz thought until I drift to sleep but it’s not happening.

I still remember what it was like before the onset to crawl into bed and just have so many thoughts about my life and the people and what I was going to do the next day or stuff that made me laugh, even stuff that pissed me off. But just comfort and happiness because I was tired and ready for bed. My mental framework is just ■■■■■■, the mind doesn’t drift. The voices even when they are this quiet keep my mind in defensive mode. Lockdown, stuck in the thoughtless state of mind I’ve been trying to establish for the last two years.

Really annoying, because that feeling and experience of going to bed was one of the best parts of my life. You start to fanticise about things you want and you create a comfortable mental image of yourself in the world.

Now I’m sitting here listening to the walls creak, and the heater running, and my voices, contemplating whether the universe is alive. Paranoia I guess. Like that a child feels when he’s afraid of the dark or thinks there are monsters in his closet.

Are there invisible entities around me… And then I start to see vague silhouettes in the coloration of the wall.
Wish I had total utter silence. Not these random ticks coming from the walls and in my bathroom.

I had to turn the light on, lol. Like a child. That’s only going to keep me awake for longer, but I woke up at 4pm don’t know when the mind will shut down.

The subtle changes brought on by this illness are easy to overlook and painful when you recognize them.

I guess some nights aren’t as bad as this.

But seriously, completely disconnect from my life before sz. Two years of total preoccupation with things that aren’t real has pretty much left my mind in a state where it doesn’t think about the past, all those pathways have been unused for so long.

I can pull up random images or places, but it has no depth or flow to it. I need to work on this but don’t really see a clear way to do it.

The story of my life.

Stirling kansas

I remember I had a dream of riding my trike and 5 adult men took the trike and dismantled it. It was more like they looked at it and it started to fall apart. I think I remember crying, but that’s not to clear.

Different house. When cars drove by their headlights would would cast patterns through the curtains and it would seem like all sort of images of things would move along the top of the wall. It would go all around the room, I’m probably remembering that wrong.

The park next to the library.

The college football stadium, my dad was the coach.

My dog nutmeg, collie. Finding the trampoline a week before Christmas.

The big blue house. This is when I started playing Nintendo. I want to say is was super Mario allstars + super Mario world. But I think it was just super Mario world. Which was the best one of them to date. Mario 3 comes in close.

My bro and I killed a kitten. Sat on it, through up against the wall. I probably should have left that part out. I was a stupid kid, regret it the more I think about it.

Got bit by our shitsoo(however it’s spelled). ■■■■ and shoo, like poop and run, always used to think that.

School… Don’t remember much. A staircase, a classroom. Library with computers in it.

So many days of life, so few memories.

This is helping me, I’m having a lot of memories that I’m not writing about.

The highschool gymnasium.

The drama of liking a girl who likes someone else for the first time.

Haha, beating kids up on the playground. No one really got hurt. Just games shoving, and pushing swing kids round by their arms.

What comes next…

Went from stifling to halstead.

Crossing the railroad tracks on our way into town. Halstead has flood gates but they’re open, it’s raining.

This is when I get to the point when I’m intelligent enough to know what’s going on to a degree.

Still got the collie. She was a good dog had her for a long time before we gave her to a farmer.

Churches, both in stirling and in halstead.

Tire swing back in stirling.

Halstead… Elementary school. Lincoln logs toy Indians Oregon trail the playground, building elaborate mazes in the sandbox and putting frogs in them. Catching bees at recess. Eating honey suckle flowers. People.

It’s weird how you can’t remember learning things yet you still know the facts.

Elementary school… What else is there.

Bus rides.
Puking at lunch one time.

I can hear breathing right now. In absense of the voices. It’s not my breathing either.

Middle school. More classrooms more people. Friend carl playing Pokemon on his game boy.

Moved to Tennessee. It was hot as hell all the time.

Nicest house I ever lived in though. Had a pool. Pet ducks. I trapped one when it couldn’t jump over the curb.(natural selection the rest made it) made up some bs about how I found it alone and that I needed to keep it. Couple days later my mom brings home a store bought one to keep it company. Named it lewey the one from the wild was either Huey or duey can’t remember. The one from the wild gets sick and dies lewey lives on. Would go swimming with it in our pool. It followed me around everywhere, and chirped like hell when I wasn’t around. Ducks make pretty cool pets.

Started playing Pokemon myself. Got seriously addicted cards the game the show. Pokemon all day, all I talked about in school.

To young for anxiety.

The lunchroom, the gymnasium. Trying to build things around an egg to keep it from breaking when dropped from the roof of the school.

Ooh ■■■■ I missed a big part. I lived in Missouri.
Pet turtles. Paper mâché volcano. Dk country in snes. Childhood fits at shool, I was the new kid that year didn’t fit in. This might have been before I lived in halstead, would have had to have been.

Back to Tennessee, parents start fighting, n64 is released. Played turok. Mind was blown.

We move back to halstead after a year huge waste of money that house.

That’s when I feel like my life really started. Made real friends, had moved around to much before that.

Oh halstead, how I despised you.

Wow at this point it’s like what do I want to remember it’s unfolding. Lots of people that I got to know very well. Including the teachers.

Making animations on their new macs in some software.

Carl sprayed Pam on the floor of the only walkway in from recess, lots of people fell down.

Friends bitching at each other, I was friends with everyone, not so much “the popular kids” in those days, but by the time high school was through I’d hung out with all of them. Only 65 people in my class.

Got a dreamcast, trips to wichita. See an add for Morrowind on toonami ended up getting pso instead. Played the ■■■■ out of it.

Trips to hutch to spend time with my cousins. A lot of fond memories there. Lots of video games. Staying up all night competitions, I always won, probably why I’m skitz.

Can’t really dwell or go to deeply into any of this as I want this post to be reasonably short.

I could chronicle my life by the video games I was playing.

Junior high.

Lots of bs there. School work started to be a real chore, but math got interesting.

Health class, sex Ed. Track. Friend had a seizure. Was tragic for everyone, pretty dramatic ambulance showed up. The let a lot of us sit in the gym bleachers for a while.

Ooo 9/11.

Xbox, friends ps2 katamari Damacy, ddr, soul caliber. Halo. So much ■■■■■■■ halo, I schooled everybody I knew. Built a reputation.

Art class got cool, make things we actually used. Still got this cereal bowl with a smiley face at the bottom of it.

I hated school. So slow.

Moving on to highschool. The building on the other side of the parking lots. This is when my life got pretty cool. Started to really crush on girls. I used to love that infatuated feeling. Don’t really get that any more but back then it occupied about 90% of my mind. I was always to scared to talk to girls is just crush hard for a long time. Pretty terrible tactic but whatever it would have been to much for me.

Had lots of friends. Man it’s so crazy to think back to that ■■■■. Had a bass guitar. Still have it. Never really practiced to the day I’m sti not a musician. If I would have been practicing ■■■■. Eh I tried just never took to it.

Friends and I started a band anyways. I was supposed to be the vocalist but it never really developed that far.

Started smoking weed. All the time. Super fun. Way better then school or being sober. Had weed media, friends and I would collect all the things we drew while high. Wish I never would’ve lost it.

Basketball games, sitting in the commons with everyone. Rolling into school thinking I looked good hoping it was the day I talked to that girl. ■■■■ I was hopeful if I’d even see them.

Desperate romantic type.

Senior year. Print shop guru, making ■■■■ for businesses around town, honing in on some photo shop skills.

Publicly known to be high at all times. Pretty functional though. Passed all my classes, got told I was one of the best writers the teacher had ever had. Took a psychology class for college credit.

Calculus. Class size of 3.

All the teachers.

Yeah lots of good stuff there I’ll have to come back to that. Later not on here.

Did end up with my first gf. She was awesome back then. She’s still pretty cool now, but she was like a perfect match back then. Gotta live in a dream relationship for a couple years before it started to go south. I’ll spare tall the details. She was a girl though, ups and downs and different lives trying to make it work.

A lot of sneaking out on school nights to get together.

Hmm. I wonder if she ever thinks about this ■■■■. We were so in love.

Right moving on.

My parents got a divorce when we moved back from Tennessee. Not a big deal to me. Had two houses from that point on.

Graduating high school was awesome. Moved right on to college. Probably shouldn’t have. That’s when my life kind started to feel shitty. Drastically shittier. Wasn’t a kid any more.

Moved in with gf. Went to Ku in the town I live in now. Alone together kind of scenario. Sis was here going to school. Didn’t fit into the college atmosphere as well as the high school one. I think the only thing that made my life enjoyable at that point was being high. Could barely afford the stuff, didn’t really have a job, just classes.

Would rather be high at home playing halo then walking around on campus or studying. Failed out.

Yeah… The last 6 years of my life weren’t very fun. The pot made it seem fun and there were some good times, but that’s when I started to develop my social anxieties that would eventually lead me to psychotic obsession isolation and schizophrenia.

It was awesome smoking pot as a high schooler that ■■■■ was so easy and made ■■■■ so much better, but as soon as you gotta be an adult it’s only gonna hold you back unless your a very driven person.

I know why I don’t remember anything now, the remainder of the story has kind of sucked. Learned a lot, made a bunch of friends I don’t talk to. Not to mention the years of social anxiety, neurosis, and eventual psychosis.

Basically I failed out of another school and started working. Was pretty well liked and worked hard the whole time. Good friends were hard to come by though. I’ve held onto a few of them.

Ben folds lyrics. The wizman will never fit you like the wizkid did.

But yeah I either miss my past to much or it really pisses me off, from that point on.

Guess that got me thinking, mission accomplished. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

kind of seeing the tragedy for what it is. I had a pretty full image of how I used to be in that flashback. My highschool self. I want to go back to being that person.

Of montreal lyrics

I find myself searching for old selves while speeding forward through the plate glass of maturing selves.

■■■■■■■ voices, maintain this psychotic pretense.

They are loud right now to say the least. It’s all of them active at the same time. My tricks aren’t working.

I’m still not listening though, they would only drive me to madness.

I’m glad there is no real intelligence to them.

Well ■■■■… Sz sucks.

Been mentally strangled. The psychological effects of hearing voices. Keeps me wondering if there is more to them. It feels like pure ■■■■■■■ evil. It feels like the universe is alive and angry.

I get a voice, do something about it.

I’m not listening. I’m not thinking.

They are out of control.

I want answers, is there telepathy?

Is the world really like it used to be to me still. All this people have that kind of bliss and peace. The comfort of privacy.

I have to live in this corrupted mindset, a corrupted reality. Doesn’t seem real.

There is no love in the voices, they are essentially not me. They don’t even reflect my consciousness at any point. They just came about, guess the conditions were right.

Will I get better?

I want silence. It’s unfair.

Can’t even think. The tap is closed.

They are my consciousness now. 99% of the noise is completely out of my control.

This is a problem.

Stay strong people.

I had ducks. They had a lot going for them, despite their tiny little brains. Yes, they make good pets.

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Try not to fight the voices. Just accept them let them be like the wind, one day they will fade or atleast change how they act.

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I forget that that is the ultimate lesson. They are just so interactive at times. Their existence is ■■■■■■ they are the most angry extremist little fissure of thought.

Tonight I’m getting additional creepy surreal voices that I can’t comprehend. They’re barely coming through.

■■■■ this ■■■■ man. Lol god this sucks.

Sometimes I feel like I can see the whole object of the voices in my mind like all at once the whole layer even though it is several voices. Then I try to shrink it or throw it out and what do I hear? More ■■■■■■■ voices. This is ■■■■■■■ ridiculous.

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I just feel if I could close myself off to the voices once I work on making it permanent, but no when they are there they are there. Dude do you have persistent voices. My are pretty much nightly, and a little bit in the mornings. As soon as i step out of the house they ■■■■■■■ vanish and only come to me when I think about them.

Keep telling me I’m in my next episode, but it’s like one big fat episode I never got over. Two years, every ■■■■■■■ night.

Me you have to go away
A voice in agony iiii caaaant stop

I know it’s counter intuitive. The more you accept them the less they struggle with you. It’s ■■■■■■ but it works.

Accepting them doesn’t mean you have to listen to them it’s more like saying “ok I acknowledge you, now good night thank you”

when I try to go to sleep I sometimes here loud voices that seem very real just some random words mostly possibly from people’s voices I hears that week in real life just replaying. It’s distracting I just ignore it and let it go.

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My voices are there but they leave me alone.

Ok right now they say : look we understand you don’t want to hear us right now and we accept that so we will leave you in peace. But if you want us to come back just holler"

It’s odd. But that’s how it is now.

3 years ago they were screaming at me non stop 24hrs a day telling me they were demons that would never leave me.

So it will improve in time.

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I get a lot of voices like they are people. They start ■■■■■■■ yelling at me about ■■■■ and then they go away. Then I think of someone else and they start yelling at me and then stop then I think of someone else. For some reason it’s making me laugh right now, it’s so ■■■■■■■ stupid.

That’s the whole scenario that my symptoms establish. I thought broadcast and people can tell when I think of them.

Like I think of my mom, who’s downstairs and I get a “go to sleep”

It’s retarded. Really ■■■■■■■ stupid.

I must have silence and I’m gonna get it somehow.

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Maybe ask them for some peace and quiet?
Lol i know that might be odd but you never know maybe they will come around

Man hearing voices is the craziest ■■■■ there is. Seeing ■■■■ is probably even more trippy. But really from day one I could tell they weren’t even real. It was like whoa that must be telepathy.

Dude I used to think I was so smart, but damn I was really ■■■■■■■ stupid.

Sz outa nowhere.

I want to share my voices with the world lol

Seriously I just want a clip of it recorded, never gonna happen, but if I could I’d play it for like 5 seconds and ask do you like that sound, most people would probably be like “wha??” And then I be like cause I hear that ■■■■ for hours upon hours every fuggen night.

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Yeah , I’ve told some stuff to my parents and they end up just shutting down and telling me “stop that’s enough”

I wrote one of my psychosis adventures for my dad so he would understand how I became and agnostic in my beliefs.

He hasn’t argued with me since :slight_smile:

And that’s just a snippet of it. We deal with this crap everyday.

But hey atleast we can still walk and talk and see and smell and hear. It just distorted at times lol

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Yep, still human beings. Were you ever diagnosed? I know you don’t take meds.
Dude this illness is ■■■■■■■ crazy. There are people like you running around with benign voices in their heads?

I mean bad voices are just tragic. But functional even positive voices. Ridiculous, the human mind is so crazy.

My medical doctor just told me I’m experiencing symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar. We agreed if I am not able to cope then I have to go to a psychiatrist again.

He was quite concerned with my hallucinations for a while and I’d come back to let him know how things are going every few months for a bit

I agreed to get evaluated by the psychiatrist at the hospital.

I held back on some stuff and told her I wasn’t really hearing voices anymore. So she told me I am bipolar. And needed antipsychotic, mood stabilizer etc. I said thank you and left. That was 2 years ago when I went for that.

My parents are highly religious and wouldn’t take me to a hospital when I first went nuts. Instead they called a pastor to pray over me lol. So my experience is a bit different with not getting sent away to the hospital

And trust me it was the most insane first psychosis.

Traumatised my whole family . My mom and I had ptsd for like a year.

I believed people were being healed when they were crying because I completely psychotic bat ■■■■ ■■■■■■■ crazy screaming and yelling in people’s faces not to go in my brothers room or they would die. And I truly believed anyone would die if they went in there.

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Cool man I guess I had heard all that. My voices were totally ■■■■■■■ crazy in the beginning and these telepathic messages dude completely unlivable. Meds didn’t even help. Leaving the hospital and seeing that my parents and family members werent dead in fema coffins, that was a relief. Dude I was totally lost.

It wasn’t until I told them that I thought everyone was reading my mind that they gave me paranoid sz.

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I also have closed eye hallucinations I’m pretty used to ignoring those but man before bed there outragaeous like tonight.

Starts out with a pyramid opening up then I end up inside the pyramid. Cruising through random ancient hallways of bricks, I decide I don’t want to be in a pyramid so…

I start floating up to space and I see some people just floating around . One was an elf like Santa’s elves just standing on a platform in space

Then there tons of people floating around like the milky way all friends with each other just cruising.

It all looks like a freakin strange cartoon. Then It becomes sonic the hedgehog and tails and so on.

It goes away when I fall asleep…

I used to say, “where ever you go, there they are”
This helped me to accept it wasn’t were I lived, it was coming from me.

I had to learn an outward looking way of living. Looking inward and ruminating just made things worse.

Listen to music, look at art or pictures, Read stories, watch movies, talk to friends, keep eyes looking out.

Instead of going over the bad past again and again, think of the happy times if you must.
Better to plan out the future than belaboring the past.

No need to worry about the future. It will come no matter what you do.
Religion ahead, skip as needed.

God made us and has a special plan for each of us.
We just have to ask him what it is and go along with it.

Like he said the birds and flowers don’t worry about what they’ll eat or wear.
God loves us more then the rest of creation and only wants the best for us.
Let go and Let God take care of things.
So no worries.

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