I have over one month clean. I started taking my medication regularly at certain times, not smoke weed or drink so much coffee. It has an addictive allure, so battling recovery from cocaine and also learning how to not be manic its difficult. I have always had bipolar tendencies on top of the schizophrenia. It makes schizophrenia harder to handle. Thank God I have never hurt anyone in my episodes, I have been reckless but not harm anyone. I scare myself when I am, I worry non-stop about fam. members and get paranoid about every possible event something bad could happen to the point it plagues me.
This morning I feel a lot better, even though I had another weird event with technology. I got my bluetooth speaker to call my phone through alexa, and it was my old phone number that I had erased and changed through sprint to a new one. So i called and left a voicemail. And then I tried calling again and the feedback was so bad it echo’d out as if there were many spaces or dimensions…idk. But it weirded me out. How could I have called myself from a non-used number. Its almost as if the system has been set-up in the most corrupted fashion and there is no help to overcome it. I feel destined to fail at all I am done/barriers all around me.
The more I tried to overcome or breakthrough the more paranoia began to become another barrier.
Today I am going to have help cleaning the house and my bedroom, other rooms in the house. I hope this messy chaotic energy is dispelled and I feel better having a clean house.
I’m listening to Phantogram which is the band I named my username off of.