Hi, I’m 30 and got diagnosed with schizophrenia last year. I’ve also been using drugs since I was 14, daily since I was 20. Started off getting voices and delusions in early 20s which gradually got worse until an 8 month long psychotic episode which ended up in me being sectioned against my will at 28.
I’m just wondering if any of you share my addiction… the inability to be sober. It doesn’t matter what it is, I have to be high at all times when awake. Used to smoke a lot of meth which I got bored of, now I’m drinking about 200 units a week and have been for a few months. Before that I was ebbing away at a bag of pure fentanyl. I’d say I’m obsessed with drugs. I’ve abused all the classics and make it my mission to find lesser known “research chemicals”. My amphetamine binges usually lasted 6 months, opiate binges 2 months. On top of this I had a heavy benzo addiction taking about 500mg of diazepam a day for 5 years.
Does anyone feel that they can’t exist in a sober state? Do you think this is caused by my illness, or my illness is caused by this? I’m so used to this i can hide it well because it’s normal. I’dhave no problem going to work after eating 100 xanax bars in the last few days etc.
I can deal with the positive symptoms, it’s the negative symptoms which are killing me at the moment. I can’t remember the last time I spoke to a friend, I’ve completely cut off all contact, trashed my phone sim, deleted Facebook etc. Can’t even bring myself to visit my baby daughter and her mother (who left me during a period of psychosis and because of my drug abuse)
Thanks
Oh I should add, the docs know the full extent of my abuse and my outlook and stand by their diagnosis.
I’m just wondering if any of you share my addiction… the inability to be sober
Before I went to AA, I thought alchohol was worth dying for. And I was headed that way.
You can’t beat substance abuse on your own. You have to get help.
Ask your doctor what resources are available. Also check out Narcotics Anonymous (NA) and Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).
Do you have access to a detox facility? Like you I’ve struggled with addictions (mostly alcohol) since I was a teenager. Been sober for 2 years. I think depression and a crushing boredom that would descend on me were certainly symptoms of my bipolar/sza. At least if you quit alcohol/street drugs you can remove them as a cause and try to find the right meds and maybe find some peace and contentment. It’s hard though.
It seems you are living hard. I posted this ted talk earlier on another post about addiction https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong
However, the underlying cause of addiction is also having experienced a traumatic childhood. Escaping reality, rather than facing it is often too much to bear. You are on a lot of drugs and the need to be ‘high’ all the time might stem from this. There is also a genetic cause, possibly. They found with monkeys that steal alcoholic beverages at some bar in Africa that there was the same percentage of addicts as per humans ratio and you may fall into this category too. If there is double likelihood then it is double trouble.
Have you ever addressed this need to get high? have you ever thought about it? Why do you need it? Until you begin to answer it, sz or not the downward spiral will continue.
It is not necessarily about getting clean for your loved ones, although that can help. It is about addressing yourself and the reasons why. Once identified you can start to think of how and why you have become high.
Can life not being high be tolerable? Sure it can. The struggle is real with sz and addiction. Perhaps they even cause each other. Even lowering intake is progress to become the whole you should be without psychoactive drugs. (Those guys that live without the need to drink and take drugs are more alive than we ever will be.)
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Weed exacerbates my positive symptoms, but I can’t help smoke it every now and then.
Trust me when I say I have taken almost every research chemical under the sun and recently in my country they all got made illegal, I am actually sober except for alcohol and weed but god-damn has it improved all my symptoms to not be taking strong stimulants, strong sedatives, strong psychedelics and so on and so forth, I can manage the weed and alcohol and am actually now quitting the weed. The main issue is one thing leads to another so I may have to cut out the booze or keep it low (not get wasted or too drunk) to keep off the weed. It looks to me like total sobriety from all drugs and alcohol is necessary to see the mental state needed, I still vape nicotine but that is not a big issue. I am a person who in the past might read what I write and think “I know better” or “yeah right” but after 7 years of recurrent psychosis I have found it’s the only way forward.
There’s just no way you can live the rest of your life taking drugs the way you do. With all those drugs, something has got to give and most likely it will be your sanity and your physical health. Having a strong mind and being able to use drugs the way you do is good for you now, but the laws of physics will catch up with you eventually and if you keep going the way you are going, your mind or your body is going to give out and stop working. These are the cold hard facts. And of course the threat of going to jail or bankrupting yourself by spending money on drugs and alcohol is always looming on the horizon.
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