Although I was with someone for 22 years(7 of which involved uneven periods of sexual activity) I have always found physical intimacy difficult. A part of me wants friends but another part of me is scared of people getting too close and things going beyond the platonic. I think it doesn’t help that I have always been awkward when it comes to the act of making love. Let’s just say it’s never come naturally to me.
Also I feel the closer people get to me the more vulnerable and at risk I will be.
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People can get weird at times.
Don’t be afraid to communicate these things. Your a good man and you deserve friends.
I got my first kiss at 12, and I STILL have what I think they call “erotomania” about her. She has likely long forgotten about me, but sometimes I try my hardest to find her on the internet. I keep hoping I will reconnect with her. That was 26 years ago, though. I’ve only been with a few women, and now I am too guarded to let anyone near me. I do not want anyone to get close to me because I am afraid I will hurt them emotionally. So for everyone else’s sake, I keep to myself.
I was involved in a very emotionally draining marriage - it sucked the life out of me and we ended up divorced.
The idea of starting all over with someone and getting intimate and close, makes me cringe.
I tried it once and it was a disaster, never again, my marriage and divorce destabilized me completely, cant afford for this to happen once again
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Well man. I’d suggest you move on from that.
I kind of get it though. There was a girl I knew in high school where we were both secretly crushing on each other. Then she moved.
I tried looking for her on the net one time.
You’re 100% right. I know it. Honestly, I think part of it is I just hope she turned out okay and doing well in life. Shoot, she’s probably married and on the other side of the country. I’ve never wished ill on anyone, and I think it’s just part of my nature that I hope she’s okay. It would greatly ease my mind. I met her in the hospital, and she was kinda messed up at the time.
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That’s well intended enough I guess.
I’ve been very indiscrete in my young life… and when I was drunk I was worse then that…
I think I was more afraid of emotional intimacy…
opening up the my heart to someone is much harder the opening up my clothing.
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What was/is your relationship with your mother like? (You don’t need to answer me or run it down online, but that the first question any competent pshrinque would ask.) If it fit anything like John Bowlby’s “anxious attachment” (see Attachment theory - Wikipedia), you might want to explore the matter further in all the material on “attachment theory” online, because so doing often clears up the conflict you described.
The relationship was complex . I loved her but she was not always positive in her behaviour towards me . For example she saw me as an awkward baby/child/toddler/teenager etc and tended to give one compliment for two criticisms or put downs.
She was not a particularly emotionally warm mother although she tended to being rather neurotic/highly emotional in her reaction to things. The adult to adult relationship was difficult on account of her alcohol related behaviour.
My view is that she had psychological issues maybe stemming from childhood/teenage years but apart from seeing a psychologist briefly along with my father as part of marriage counselling she never had psychiatric treatment.
@SurprisedJ comment about emotional intimacy also holds true for me. Neither my father( who is still alive ) and my mother are/were strong on showing emotional warmth to my siblings and I.
Both emotional and physical intimacy make me feel awkward .
My diffiulty in both physical and emotional intimacy has been throughtout my teenage years and adulthood, and it’s been affecting all kinds of relationships I’ve had so far.
I’ve been in therapy for 4 years in total to solve these issues, but things are still difficult for me.
It takes a lot of courage for me to open up to ppl, but once I opened up, all of a sudden I try to keep a distance from them, just to not let them know the real me. I guess I’m scared of being rejected, so I reject ppl first.
I was rejected countless times by my mother when I was around 3-4 years old. She was neglectful. Maybe she was just busy. Or she was in a bad mood. I don’t know.
And now as an adult, I develop a pattern of keeping a little distance from ppl to not feel the same pain again. But deep down, I wanted my mother to accept me. So I’m constantly in conflict, wanting to be close but fearing it, which disorganizes my behaviour.
Thanks @firemonkey for bringing this subject up.
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That sums it up for me.
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Are you, or have you ever been, in therapy for this?
Never been in therapy for it.
I see…
Do you want to be, or you don’t need to be in therapy for this?
I’ve been in therapy for this for 4 years now with at least some success.
I think I’ve made some improvements but I guess this is a life-long thing…
If I was likely to make a friend and it was a barrier to a fuller relationship then I would say therapy was needed. However my chances of making that close a friend are slim.
Instead of psychodynamic theory let’s examine @firemonkey under a different glass. I see two possible problems- hypo sexual desire or sexual aversion disorder. That’s from a 2006 text though so they probably updated that.
Also smells a lot like avoidant personality. That makes three possible disorders.
I’m just a student, take my word as merely a student’s opinion, and see a professional.
You displayed elements of a sexual disorder of some sort and possibly avoidant personality.
The question is whether this fear of intimacy is limited to sexual intimacy. And what you think will happen if you are socially rejected. That much I am pretty sure of.
Im frigid with women. I don’t like physical intimacy. I prefer just the meeting of minds.
I do score high for avoidant PD on online tests. As for hypo-sexual desire, My sex life, which was erratic in frequency, occurred between the ages of 26 and 33. Ending when my wife had a stroke. I have not had sex since then(25 years) and have never considered a prostitute as I know several avoidant/socially anxious people have done.
I used to masturbate fairly regularly but over the last 6-7 years it has been with decreasing frequency(product of age and/or risperdal?)
I would take the avoidant/hyposexual suggestion over any psychodynamic theories re attachment although I think a bad, failed, attempt at sex before I met my wife had a definite,negative effect in terms of sexual performance anxiety.
I would say it’s definitely also connected to emotional intimacy. The closer people get the more anxious I become.