Im dating with someone and dont know what to do. I think he is so incredibly kind and caring. We have such fun together and deep talks too. He likes and accepts me as i am. He doesnt know of my psychoses, but he knows which mental health issues i have at this moment. I feel safe with him. We have many shared values.
Only…I feel no butterflies and no physical attraction. I dont want anything physically, not even cuddling. Im not sure whether this can still come later, when i know him better, and maybe ptsd is part of the problem. I gently told him i find it difficult to come closer physically and i dont know if this can change. He says he is patient and we will see.
I have always been someone for whom physical affection and intimacy was really important. But i like him in a very different way. I genuinely like him a lot as a person and feel i can be myself around him in a very relaxed and happy way.
I dont want to lead him on, but i also dont want to give up on someone special for superficial reasons.
I think he most definitely is a good person and he makes me feel liked too.
I just feel physical contact (also just cuddling, kissing) is also important in a relationship. I do think that is “necessary”. And being physical with someone when i feel uncomfortable with that, feels like lying, faking or playing with someones feelings.
@Joker, would you not mind if that side isnt there? How would you deal with that?
@Ninjastar, i know you very carefully started up such things when you got into a relationship…any advice?
Im such a clumsy person when it comes to relationships.
I am not the best person to give advice, but if you try some things you’re comfortable with you can see if it’s reciprocated. This should mean it’s both ways.
Relationships are complicated, but you can learn how to make it work together.
There are probably more qualified people here who could input on this.
Thanks. He tried to get more physical very carefully but i told him i wasnt comfortable yet. Maybe i should just try a bit and see if my hesitation goes away.
Im also a bit hesitant because my family has told me it is better for everyone if i never get into a relationship. I kind of feel like im not good enough. My friends think i am good enough, but not my family.
I think the best for both of you is to be honest about the lack of physical attraction. Then you can try to build a friendship if you both agree.
Don´t let him lose his time or get a bigger heartbreak if he wants you for relationship.
I don’t know that my advice would work for you. I’m asexual, so for me I have almost never been physically attracted to a person. With Mr. Star though, I didn’t find him attractive until like 3 months into the relationship. I have heard from abuse survivors that they needed to rewire their brains after leaving their abusive relationship, because the extreme emotions in an abusive relationship are so intense that normal love and support seems flat and boring in comparison.
For me, not being attracted to Mr. Star wasn’t a dealbreaker because I wasn’t attracted to ANYONE. Even so, several months in I started wanting to try physical intimacy with him. We took it very slow. I can go into more detail if you PM me about it, because those details are not appropriate for all ages. But with gradual exposure therapy, I got over my trauma response to being touched, and now I actively enjoy it. We don’t have traditional PIV sex often, but we are frequently intimate in other ways.
In some time into the relationship, the butterflies fade away, so you will always have something to remember, the first kiss, the first time, making memories together. Intimacy is crucial to a healthy relationship. Imagine you stay together for 4-5 years and you never feel this attraction. Sometimes, in the beginning, you don’t feel intense attraction but you have to like him in a way that you wanna be intimate with if that makes sense. Esp if you’re looking into getting married.
I wouldn’t say give up, but I would say make it very clear that romance isn’t an option right now. He is saying he will be patient, but I never liked that attitude. I’m more of a lets see where things go instead of someone waiting for something from me that may never happen. I don’t need that pressure and they don’t need to hold onto something that likely won’t happen.
Communication is the key. You’re not leading him on if you make it clear that you don’t have romantic feelings at the moment and you can’t guarantee you will in the future.
I think butterflies and fireworks don’t always need to be there at first - they can come later.
When I first met my husband it wasn’t a chemical attraction at first sight but a soft gentle positive feeling. By the time we got married I got more attracted physically and the butterflies came.
Now after eight years I don’t have butterflies anymore because of my sza and meds - but I can’t stop hugging and kissing him. My love for him has grown over time till now when I feel he is my other half of my heart.
I think all the things he seems to posses - trustworthiness, laughter, kindness, values, faith - are special. And more important than lust. But i dont feel capable of physical intimacy in any form right now without forcing myself.
I will be (gently) honest with him. Maybe something more can grow if i dont feel the expectation to get closer. I hope this can grow.
I mean if you feel safe and comfortable that’s a really good sign. Defo would not give it up especially seeing as he is not pushing anything. It looks like it can remain as a friendship but from my experience I have gotten along with someone before then one day I developed butterflies all of a sudden its probably happened more than once to me like that.
