Scared and furious at my psychiatrist

DX'd - Sz/SzA
1

I think she’s trying to threaten me… and not in the cute “paranoid sz” way that I’ve come to know and love LOL, but I think I’ve pissed her off and she LEGITIMATELY threatened me.

I wasn’t actually diagnosed with sz until almost 5 years ago, after 9 long years of a PTSD and OCD diagnosis hanging on from right after my symptoms started. My original doc thought PTSD because my very first psychotic break happened after some a$$#@le drugged me without telling me, so I had a horrifying trip while driving. Thought I got into an accident, thought I was mangled and dying/dead, blahblahblah… Fast forward a few years, I’ve alienated myself from a lot of family & friends, been through a few more doctors, and have a handful of brand new delusions that rotate in and out with me being dead. FINALLY dx’ed by a new psychiatrist (who was a goddess-send) in 2016 when I had another psychotic break.

My CURRENT psychiatrist (whom I’ve seen about 5x now) got SUPER pissed when I told her a few weeks ago that I’ve decided to take a more holistic/spiritual approach to treatment and NOT increase my Seroquel at her suggestion. I know what you’re going to say, and I know all of the facts/statistics are stacked against me on this, but I TRULY have done better than I have in 15 years since cutting back traditional medication, going to the gym 3-4x/wk, studying/reading to fill the handful of free minutes in the day, and focusing on Grounding and Centering myself! Bottom line, it’s working for me…

My doc was FURIOUS at this, and immediately told me all the stats and ‘facts’ about SZ patients (btw, does it infuriate anyone else when people assume they know exactly what it’s like for all of us because they’ve READ all about it??), and then told me that she may have to dismiss me as a patient from her office (including my therapist) if I choose to pursue this further. I didn’t waiver, told her that would be awful but I understood her position and all of the ‘facts’, but I still feel good about my choice. She then said “This is actually pretty textbook thinking for SZ, I don’t know if you knew THAT, and I’m sorry to say it always goes the same way. It’s true that you might feel good for a while, symptoms can go into a sort of remission from time to time, but you WILL have another psychotic break. It’s just a matter of when, and how bad will it be.” She was even more frustrated that she couldn’t change my mind, and then completely changed course on me… she said “I think I’d like to go ahead and see you twice as often for a little while. So go ahead and schedule biweekly appointments from today.” I was agreeing, thought we were saying goodbye, then she said it. “I want to let you know, I’m considering changing your diagnosis to PTSD. Your delusion could very well be simply the aftermath of your initial trauma, I just wanted to let you know.”
I was BLOWN AWAY. I said “Well, I can see why my doctors thought that in 2006, but I have had a handful of pretty severe breaks since then, and several brand new delusions have popped up that have nothing to do with that incident.” She literally cut me off from responding and just kept telling me to set my next appointments, and HUNG UP.

So, AM I just being PARANOID, or does it TOTALLY sound like she’s threatening to f$#@ up my diagnosis and medical charts if I don’t go back on the monstrous dose of Seroquel she’s suggesting?!? I dont understand AT ALL why she would just completely change her perception of my condition mid-conversation… I’ve called and messaged her office 3-4 times since then, and she won’t answer or return my messages!!! After telling my husband, he offered to go see her and explain my condition from his perspective, and I’ve been journaling to take with me to her office, but I’m freaking out… I see her again tomorrow.

2

She sounds like a ■■■■■

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I know right!!! Holy $#!@, I don’t know what she’s thinking, and WHO doesn’t return a SZ patient’s frantic calls for weeks?!?

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4

Time for a new psychiatrist.

5

She actually sounds unstable. However, the facts about sz are true and she was right there. But obviously you’re not going to mesh. I’d look for a different pdoc

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I think she’s scared that spirituality will eventually make you stop your meds and get psychotic. What about a new psychiatrist?

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I kept telling her I’d done my research and knew the facts and risk, but just feel like it’s something I have to do for myself and that I feel good and at peace etc. I know I may still have psychotic episodes, and my husband is on board and knows the drill. He stuck it out when my SZ started (just a few weeks into dating one another), and learned how best to talk me down, knows my bigger triggers, etc.
She’s not agreeing to talk to him?!? Wtf?! Why wouldn’t she want his perspective??
Although, sidenote, he can be a prick sometimes :joy: He joked that if she really wants to say she doesn’t believe my SZ, he could come with me to her office and throw the switch in front of her :roll_eyes: He knows EXACTLY what he could say to me to literally explode my brain permanently…

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I do think you should continue APs as they’re the best known treatment. But I think adding alternative treatments is a good thing

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One time I walked into a pdoc’s office spitting fire, and I wound up on a hefty dose of Haldol. I hate that drug. Unfortunately, most of the psychiatry practiced today is assembly line psychiatry. They just don’t have time to get each case a truly in depth analysis, so they have to rely on guidelines that might or might not apply to each case. I would caution against being too angry with your pdoc. I don’t know what it is like on that side of the desk, but sometimes I think they can act in anger too.

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I totally agree, and agree that surely they can get frustrated at times too… but i swear i have been nothing but polite and respectful towards her since we met. My strategy for handling today’s visit is to try to explain why she’s actually doing more harm (in a very calm polite way lol).
When I started having psychotic episodes in the beginning, it was HORRIFYING as I’m sure you all remember. It was even scarier having to be hospitalized because I couldn’t make it stop. My original pdocs kept saying it was PTSD, and gave me breathing techniques, journaling, and antidepressants. I was hallucinating and would literally shiver with fear or experience catatonia, and they told me for YEARS I pretty much just needed to get over it!
Funny sidenote, last night I was telling my husband about my experience with Haldol when I was in hospital the second time. It gave me such horrible Tardive Dyskinesia that I couldn’t get my face to ‘unscrunch’ LOL, long hilarious story…
When I got my SZ diagnosis, it was like a giant weight got lifted from my shoulders… I started reading about it on my own, and with therapy better targeted, I got a LOT better!!! It’s because I could finally talk MYSELF down sometimes (not always, but some is better than none!) knowing that my hallucinations were really happening. Not because they themselves were real, but because I am schizophrenic. I didnt get that feeling anymore that my previous pdocs always gave me, feeling like I must be incredibly weak-willed if all the other PTSD patients were getting better and I was the only one getting worse, etc.

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You need to contact the clinic she works for and tell them you want to file a complaint and tell them what you said in the first post. Your doctor cannot make you up meds, I learned that and I made the last pdoc I worked with, along with a group on facebook who saw her and did the same ■■■■ to me and them, we told the clinic we were all filing a complaint, wrote it out and contacted state license board. She got investigated in our state, so she lost her ability to practice here, but I feel sorry for those that got her in IL. They moved her across state lines but she’s already getting complaints and she was canned in March.

I “fired” her myself back in I want to say November and went until Jan no pdoc, but it was ok because I’ve gone off APs March 2019 and wasn’t taking anxiety meds at that point. So I got Jessica, my new Pdoc and she told me that the old pdoc had gone into my file and made a ■■■■ ton of additions to notes that never happened, and even said she was had it recommended if my husband and I split (we’ve been together 20 years, married 17, and I’m only 35 and he’s 37) that she wanted me to be completely supervised if I ever got to see my kids.
Jessica and my therapist put in their own complaints with that one, some pdocs think they can do anything. My husband now does all doctor visits or calls with me, for a variety if reasons, but that one pdoc was the initial reason because her ■■■■■■ is now why I have lost most use of my right leg because she gave me a med I was severely allergic to, told me to take 16 benadryl a day, and upped it again. I ended in ER and the nurse there was pissed that she was wrong and purposely did an injection into my hipbone and blew the hell out of it. She has now lost her ability to work ER or do anything without direct supervision, she’s been sanctioned as we went after her and my health system said if we do this (can’t get into all of it) you’ll not bring charges against us. We had to decide but said yes but certain things had to be put into my chart and we made sure that was followed through. They’ve had to settle 13,000 complaints/lawsuits since Jan 2019, so we get updated by husband’s work when a new one is settled. No details, but the fact of they ■■■■■■ up again.

But stand up for yourself, bring your husband with to make his own complaint if he knows she’s threatening you. You have to start the process though, and do not give her any warning you are going after her with it. It’ll give her time to screw around, and her notes should be date and time stamped, so they can see when they were added, that’ll help you go a long way.

The Goddess has your back, from one to another.

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You would not even believe what happened at my appointment yesterday… or maybe you guys would unfortunately, it sounds like this b***h isn’t one of a kind.

I got called back 10mins late, but brought the journaling she had suggested during our last visit. Just bullet points describing 5-6 other delusions I’ve been through since the first, about 2-3 sentences each. And tried to go in with a calm positive attitude!

She asked the usual update questions, I explained what had happened to my mother in-law a few days after our last appointment, so she went through each question again regarding how my MIL’s death affected me, etc. Then I told her that I was still feeling good about my medication decision, told her I’d written a little about my other delusions, that my husband was supportive of my choice and is the one person that is actually pretty good at talking me down, and he wants to meet her & give her his perspective.
By the way, all of this info she should have known already after my multiple calls/messages since our last visit but was very obviously hearing it for the first time
I was opening my journal and jabbering on about how I know she and I hadn’t had time in the past to get to this other stuff, but she held up her hand like a f*****g stop sign and said “Sure, I could speak to him and go over whatever it is you’ve written down, maybe next time ask for a 40 minute appointment instead of 20 and we’ll have time for that sort of stuff.” I was taken aback by that, especially because I’d only been in there for 5 minutes at that point, and said “Do you maybe want to just read the bullet points while I have it here?” and held it up for her. She looked and sounded very frustrated and said “Well how long is it exactly??” I opened the page for her to see (from across the room) and she started shaking her head immediately saying “No no no, that’s wayyyy too long, maybe next time.”
She could see I was disappointed, but just trucked right along, saying “You know, if you really aren’t planning to go back on your meds in the next couple of weeks, I doubt your insurance is even going to COVER the appointments anymore, I dont know if you’ll want to make CASH payments. I mean, do you know how long it will be before you’ll want to start taking them again?? Don’t you still see a therapist in this office too?”
I said “Yes I do, I have an appointment with her scheduled. And I can’t say I’ll NEVER go back on them, I know the odds are stacked against me in this, I just feel like this is right for me right now, my husband is supportive of my decision, and it’s just something I have to do for MYSELF.” still staying calm

She launched into changing my diagnosis again right away… saying stuff like it just wont make sense to keep this diagnosis if I’m not being treated for it and opting out of her medication recommendation, that my symptoms and original delusion up to this point can all be exhibited with PTSD, that not EVERYTHING I’ve said is PTSD related but maybe blahblahblah (I think she was implying I have either exaggerated or have been faking). All the while she was explaining this to me, I was losing it… my eyes welled up, I felt more helpless than I EVER have with a pdoc, I WANTED to just run out of there.

She got done with her speech and looked at me (crying) like I had just taken a $#!@ on her floor and said “Clearly what I’ve just said has made you FEEL a certain way?” I started STREAMING tears at that point and told her how my SZ diagnosis helped me, how her saying she might rediagnose has scared the hell out of me, thats why I’d called/messaged so much the past few weeks, because if I’m only suffering from PTSD than what the hell is wrong with me, then I lost all sound and needed a tissue and to regroup.

Her phone rang. She picked it up IMMEDIATELY, almost looked relieved that there was something to distract her from my mess, chatted with someone for a couple of minutes about her schedule and another patient, while I gazed out the window and calmed myself down a bit. She hung up, said “sorry, busy schedule” saw me take my mask off to blow my nose and said “we REALLY encourage everyone to keep masks ON” she looked SO uncomfortable btw “it’s for EVERYONE’S safety… So, I think you may have taken what I said the wrong way somehow. You clearly have had a strong reaction…” At this point I was calm, angry, and done with her. I just stared at her blankly. She looked at the clock, motioned to her own face and said “You wanna tell me what you were thinking about?” I just flatly said “I was thinking about all of my most severe psychotic episodes, and the friends and family I’ve actually scared away.” She said “You mean by harming yourself?” I said “No… scared them off by thinking they were a god, or asking them if I was dead, if they were real, from them seeing me talk to no one, I’ve lost nearly everyone…” She started backpedaling hard, said stuff like maybe there ARE SZ indicators, she hasn’t really seen me enough to be sure. Started asking me more “how have I been feeling” questions, I answered emotionlessly, asked if I had any thoughts of harming myself, then said “Any further PTSD symptoms?” I looked at her with fire blazing in my eyes and said (calmly) “I dont know, what would those be exactly?” She said “Any anxiety or ruminating over your past trauma for example?” And I said “Well I guess so, mostly while coming up with that list for you.” She said “Oh, well yeah ok.” Started typing for a good 20 seconds or so, then wrapped it all up saying we need to schedule our next appointment for 30 days, if I needed anything to call her office (HA!) or go to the emergency room, and 10mins after I came in for my 20min appointment RUSHED me out of her office.

I walked out without saying goodbye, without stopping at the front desk, called my husband blubbering in the parking lot, and watched as the security guard just HAPPENED to take a stroll outside until I was gone…
I started writing a shitty letter to her, then thought of posting it as reviews, now I think I’ll wait after reading your post Raelyn218. I have NEVER felt so powerless and scared of a pdoc… and NEVER felt so uncared for by ANY doc. She didn’t remember a single thing from past visits without reading her notes, didnt care to hear anything I had to say, tried to threaten me into going on a double dose of APs, TOOK A ■■■■■■■ PHONE CALL WHILE I WAS COMING UNGLUED, cut MY appointment in half for something/someone else, and who knows what the hell she’ll do now after that! WHAT THE ■■■■ WAS SHE TYPING, I’m legitimately terrified and dying to know what “NOTES” she took from this visit… I HAVE to report this to someone, and how do I go about getting my records/notes from her??? I feel like she fully expected I was a serious danger when I left, and she did nothing… just wanted me gone.

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And thank you so much for sharing your story with me Raelyn, it was very helpful and I think prevented me from making the shitstorm worse!!!
I hope your situation gets resolved, and I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. :first_quarter_moon_with_face::full_moon::last_quarter_moon_with_face:~Blessed be~

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@Obsessed123 anything to help someone avoid people that should not be doing threats because they think they are the power over you.

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