There is been some talk lately on this issue, and I thought it would be cool if we shared our little stories on how we overcame this problem and the steps towards recovery when it comes to suicide ideation and our own suicide attempts. We can help others with the different perspectives on the issue.
For me personally, like I said before here, it was an easy way out. I only tried once.
I was in a very abusive relationship and was in deep depression, I didn’t want professional help, and refused any help people tried to give me, and that led to some friends giving up on me. I was seeing black shadows hanging by people more frequently, and every time I saw them I had a panic attack.
Well, on that day specifically, it was my moms birthday and me and my abusive boyfriend went to her birthday lunch at a restaurant, it was an okay lunch and as we left he started getting verbally abusive, we were together for about three years at the time, and this wasn’t the first time that happened so I started crying asking him to stop. He continued. He has a kid, and the kid was 4 years old and was with us at that moment, spending the weekend. The kid started telling him not to say those things at me, and I cried harder. The kid already had seen him being physically abusive towards me and he always said “Don’t do that, she’s crying”. We got home, and he continued, saying I was useless and would never achieve anything in life because I didn’t know how to live and should just give up.
I had been drinking at lunch and smoked a joint and decided to ignore him and went to see a disney movie with the kid in the living room, that way he would shut up and it would be over in a minute. But he didn’t shut up, he continued saying all the reasons why I was so useless and boring and sad. I stayed silent, not looking at him and hugging the kid laying on the couch. At that moment, it was like time stopped and I saw shadows everywhere, and remember saying “I can’t live like this anymore” got up, ran through the hallway and tried to trow myself out of window in the other room. He came running after me and stopped me as I was about to trow myself. Blamed me for doing it while the kid was there, called his mom to go and pick up the kid and said the next time he wouldn’t be there to save me.
Compared to other stories this is nothing I know. I went to sleep that day and slept on the couch because I didn’t want to sleep with him. The next day I woke up and went to work, the world seemed better and I regreted the attempt and was happy it didn’t happen. In the course of three months I broke up the three year relationship and kicked him out of the house. I regained strenght, but the suicide ideation didn’t stop.
When I the psychotic break happened I believed the shadow demons were trying for me to commit suicide again and all these thoughts on how to do it were constant in my mind, I talked to my mom about it and she hospitalized me shortly after that.
This past year I’ve been thinking a lot on how I don’t have the need to kill myself anymore and why that is happening. I think, in my case, the fact that I have schizophrenia and taking meds, my only weapon against the shadows, helps a lot. I can dream about the future without being affraid of killing myself on an impulse, although that fear is always present, I’m still affraid of being in apartments over 4 floors.
Living takes courage when you have a mental illness, and I’m learning how to be courageous and fearless with the obstacles life gives me.
I keep reminding myself that life is so beautiful, it has color and the sun and the moon and the universe, shaped clouds and beautiful people. It has gadgets and games. Even the hardships teach us something and we can always have a sunny day after the clouds.
Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading.