Rant/Lament 3/4/16

Been doing a lot of thinking… A lot of thinking…

It’s funny how much I had figured out in those first couple years with Sz. Little points of insight to be forgotten in the noise. Only to come back around in bits and pieces… then boom. It all comes together at once.

Relapses are terrible. I believe this illness is merely a reflection of high neuroplasticity. In a lot of cases anyways. Allows “unnatural” pathways to form in the brain. In paranoid Schizophrenia it would seem that the subconscious takes to representing the extremely slanted world of a delusional mind. The versus mentality the seed of it. The outliers in a capitalistic competitive world. It’s natural to feel alone. Anyways that’s not really where I want to go with this. To many minds in different situations. No data.

Essentially the illness is alive. It tries to keep you distracted and focused on it so that it might trick you into feeding it so that it might better ■■■■ with you.

It’s an internal conflict to the highest degree. It’s not real though. Nothing SZ will tell is going to help you substancially. My only throws in niceties so that I momentarily give it footing so that it can continue to ■■■■ with me.

It’s hilarious and it sucks at the same time. Curiosity and fear perpetuating the dead wiring of a perspective that thinks its alive. Nonsense. Every hallucination should be rejected and explained away. Automate this… every time those SZ pathways fire have them complimented with the thoughts that dissolve their relevance and restore your sense of reality.

What a god damned ■■■■ show though. You fix all the issues you have with yourself and the world. You learn patience, celebacy, self control, everything to make you feel like the human you should be. Everything directly under your cognitive control straightened out and put in line. Then, you start having the solidarity to ignore the voices and watch them pass. Then you see it is one thing with many aspects all geared to do one thing. To ■■■■ with you. But finally you see it all as one thing. Which lets you break the delusion it is imposed from the outside.

Then you sit and float in that space of total disinterest in the noise. Total lack of concern for it with a mild annoyance it is there. You quit feeding it though. In fact what it says to you can be directly inverted to undo it.

I’m bored and want a coffee… but you know what that does. Neurosis feeding psychosis. Can’t have one… not yet.

What a mess. This time of year always makes me feel sick. Its the same type of weather as when I was first hospitalized.

but its a gentle chilly unfolding of the best time of year to be a kansan… hoping this summer I’ll find a girl to go get some big beers with and then we can stumble into the park and throw down a blanket. Bask in the sun a bit. Have a particular girl in mind. I’m actually dying inside to see her. 2 more weeks. Two more weeks to wait… well it gives me time to really sort things out.

Quit watching the illness, realize that no one is watching you. Certain activities still bring me back into that psychotic perspective on things. Namely playing video games. So many hours spent playing games with this illness.

Still mostly alone. Even around people. But that has always been the case. About the only thing I ever had in common with anyone was playing video games, listening to similar music, and drug use. What strong bonds those form.

Brings me back to the girl. I know she doesn’t want to commit. She’s been hurt pretty badly in the past. Some dark poetic schmuck with a bad pecker got abusive… and I’m sort of a dark poetic schmuck with a bad pecker. Hah. But I’m not abusive.

All the same. I don’t need her to commit. I just want to get a better sense that she likes me beyond the rest. Then it’s just being myself and working on understanding her. There is a lot of evidence that she does like me the way I’d like her to, but this distance relationship thing blows. She encourages me to speak and text and all that, but doesn’t respond very often. I feel like I’m just making a fool out of myself. One person can’t have a conversation alone. All the same though when she does start talking back she typically has some ":)"s and some "haha"s to throw my way as responses.

Still I like knowing what’s going on and she is one to be content with mystery. Like a spice of life to her.

meh… could spin on that topic for hours (as I do) its been a good distraction from the illness.

I’ll just sign off on that note. Didn’t say anything that I meant to say. hah… ■■■■ all.

always :green_heart::v: folks