I’m starting to have good periods where I’m symptom free, but sz is by far the most interesting thing that has happened to me. Now that I’m not afraid I feel a certain draw to try and hear things as clearly as possible. It’s like a subconscious draw to it.
Perhaps I am just in a waking dream, maybe I should pay attention to help my mind sort this all out.
One things been bothering me, they occasionally call me a racist. I’m pretty much over it. I don’t think about it for very long, but it’s annoying as hell.
Yeah im starting to hear people bleed little utterances. Its all focused on me. Its very frustrated sounding. Ive started to not trigger the generic messages they seem to send my way, instead im getting a more personalized bs. Live on the surface is what I try to do. I tell myself there is no telepathy all ■■■■■■■ day long, its just so real it doesn’t stick, At least Im used to it now, in a couple years hopefully it wont hold me back at all. I think I’ll get used to handling it as more of a background process as time goes on. Really I’d like to all go away. Im thankful for any period of clarity I have. ITs just a battle to not really be able to tell whats best for me, it is quite the mess to steer. Things are changing though, for the better.
While I agree, there is practically no stopping it. My mind is so chaotic. It gives credit of thoughts to other people when it make sense in the false reality. Got voices in the background. Lots of introspective thinking. Some fear. Meanwhile I’m listening to music and playing spider solitaire. I didnt ask for this. Its a different kind of chaos. Perhaps the predominant fear is that I’ll get worse than this.
I dont know, I kind of know what to look for and feel like ive been through most of the cognitive seemingly telepathic stuff. I dont really entertain the wild ideas on a whim which lead to hallucinations. Had a pretty crazy year in there. The mind now knows what sanity feels like again and is starting to want to cling to it. Simple, realistic, focused on the self in the moment. Itd take something really crazy happening to get me started on something new. I dont do drugs anymore so thatll probably not happen.
If only ignoring worked to get rid of them. AT this point what I can do is push them to the background. They have an odd shape in my head, the perceived area that they are located. Its such an abstract shape I cant even see in my mind when i try things new voices start. I feel like if i could just get a grip on the shape i could close it off.
Good for you on not drinking! I know I haven’t been as active lately on here but I wanted you to know that I think you are making awesome progress. I can only imagine how hard it is to fight against your own mind all the time. However you are doing it and doing a great job. I can see that some days you struggle a bit and are tempted to belief…
I sometimes wonder how or what I can do to help my son. Actually not sometimes. I wonder a lot His world is so much more entertaining then my world. How do I fight against that? How does he fight against that? I guess finding things in this world that are worthy of his/your attention and affection?
Sorry I know this didn’t help you but just wanted to show some support.
Thanks barbie, I’m sorry your son has this illness, I really do try not to believe. The delusions just get beat into me all day. Its a tough battle. You kind of have to entertain it if you want to get control. If I had just been ignoring this whole time I probably wouldn’t have the insight I have into myself now. The brain just started doing this, I mean I hope there is a point to it. Anyways I’m far from perfect or recovered, but I am used to the experience. Sort of have a sense for how it will play out before it happens. My ability to communicate and think is back. It takes years but the real game never changes, the real world stays the same its out there waiting.
I think about love every day. Even though I went SZ I still love most of what has happened in my life and the people in it. I have let go of all the negativity for the people who have wronged me in the past. All is pretty much good on the social front. My voices do try to poison my relationships, telling me they’ve been certain people this whole time. That’s when I find it easy to disbelieve.
It’s very hard to find interest in things with this illness. The back of your mind is still preoccupied with SZ. I don’t really enjoy doing anything now except trying to be simple and find myself again.
Thanks for showing your support.
Best of luck to you and your son. I’m sure he’ll be more of himself as time passes.
Thats great you let go of negativity towards peope in your past because thats how the afflicted end up with delusional persecuted beliefs.
Even though I’ve had years to deal with this thats one thing that I never did until just recently im not fully accomplished at practicing it though.Just seeing some types of people like on tv or worse in person can make me physically ill and my mind could go off on a non stop loop of irrational belief and hate.
One of the reasons I stay away from people is I cant trust myself.
I think I got that way by testing myself way back when I was still not sure.Its been a long time but I seem to remember getting drunk sometimes and baiting the voices just for fun.In the long run that didn’t turn out well.
His world is so much more entertaining then my world. How do I fight against that? How does he fight against that? I guess finding things in this world that are worthy of his/your attention and affection?