It’s like starting a fire. Not just that but a sudden ignition, bursting into existence, a bolt of lighting setting a whole tree aflame perhaps. And it makes my head start to reel. And I think of all my experiences simultaneously, I don’t know why but I do. And the buzzing and tension and nasty inside of me is twisting and writhing so that I am paralyzed, staring wildly ahead. Feeling as though I am frantically reaching for a cliff’s edge as I fall down, down down and just missing it. And then the bad thoughts come “you little BRAT” and then I think of all the ways I’d like to die if I could just DIE and I stare at the knives and think of running them down my skin to bring me back to the world again and out of this electrified pit I’m falling into. And what set this all off? Music that excited me? No wonder I complain of no excitement in my life anymore when all modicums of it light me on fire and threaten to burn me to death. When did I become this way? Why did I become this way?
That’s what it is. It’s crazy. Excitement makes me want to die. Why?? It doesn’t make sense…it becomes too overwhelming? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep changing for the worse.
I’m going through a weird time too. I question why too a lot, but it never does any good, it just makes me more frustrated and depressed. Thinking helps, but only when it’s towards a solution. I hope you get out of this and experience lasting happiness.
Adrenaline rushes are horrible for me. You describe this perfectly: like a fire ignited suddenly. I feel that too.
It can be after a heated discussion, while driving, or just lying in bed! Sometimes I’ll wake after maybe 30 minutes of sleep like a computer booting up and all the contents of my mind start swirling.
Sometimes then Seraton speaks up and encourages me to cut my throat and arms because there’s nothing I can do about all of these things and it’s never going to end.
I’m sorry, @Anna. These are terrible times.
All I tell myself, when I can, is that I’ve gotten through this before and I always will.