and this light pattern on my window keeps feeling like the eyes of something watching me and waiting for something
I feel like I am stuck in a time loop and like I’m waking up to not ever being myself, like I’ve been caught up and put in the wrong body in some unreal world and everything is repeating over and over again, and beneath the surface of everything there’s some sort of terrible rot, and I feel like I absolutely need to get out but can’t, and like I am half asleep but possessed by something most of my life and can’t see it except sometimes like now when I am waking up to the truth, like it’s trying to communicate to me through my dreams and wakes me up
I am also feeling like getting medication was the wrong decision and I shouldn’t be taking it because it is going to keep me asleep, but at the same time being awake is terrible. There is no escape either way. Either way is bad. It actually feels really horrifying, I don’t know how to make sense of it
Dear @hiero, I am sorry you feel so bad. I had similar moods and similar thoughts about medication. I know everything feels dark now.
I had these moods. A few friends did too. They pass. For us. We came out of them. And none of us uses medication still, so it is real.
Perhaps, for you as for me, these are emotional flashbacks. Pete Walker writes about them. When, as a little child, you go through very difficult things…you feel like this. And a child has no concept of time, of this ever ending, of there being an escape. If you fall back into this moment. With its feelings. It feels like this. But it is not truth. You experience just a tiny little part, only the darkest part, of your life. There is a lot of light and hope and love in life as well. And if you come out of this mood…you can see it again. I really believe that. A friend said: “I see every dead bird when in such a mood”. Now he sees the good again.
Please reach out to someone. Don’t quit meds. When did you start? Did you take them yesterday/today? Did you have these moods before medication, or did something change?
Wishing you all the good things…to send the dark thoughts away. Stay strong. It can change.
I wanted to add: I believe the presence, the dark thoughts…I believe they are not real. They reflect your feelings…maybe the feelings you had in an earlier time…but there isn’t somebody watching you, etc. That is not truth.
Thank you, I think you are right at least in part about it being a flashback. Its hard to tell what exactly its a flashback to but I did feel that way as a kid, its just hard to register its not coming from an external source when Im in it. Im going to keep trying the meds, and thank you for the resource. I feel like you understand though, thank you
Hey @hiero, welcome. Just wondering how you are doing. Are you okay?
Í’m reading an interview now. That made me think of what you described. And similar experiences of my own.
It is a bit vague. But it helped me. Perhaps you as well. This man describes how spirit and consciousness are separate things. The spirit is steady. And has various rooms…rooms of joy, of anger, of fear, of sadness, etc.
He compares consciousness to a ball of light. Moving through these rooms. If it resides in the “room of happiness”, this room lights up. You become aware of this part of your spirit. You are not happy. You are in the happy part of your spirit. You can also access the fearful or sad rooms. But you can leave them again too, if you so wish. With willpower and concentration and practice.
It helped me…because it made me see…that it isn’t that the whole world is dark, or I am dark, when I am in such a mood. But rather I am in a dark room of my spirit. And there’s lighter rooms too…of joy and hope. When I manage to open the doors to these…I know that too exist.
Maybe I sound real weird now. Sorry. And maybe it does not help you right now. But perhaps it helps you to find a route to a lighter bit of your mind. Or at least trust it is still there.
It sounds like either way you look at it you will lose. I’ve had this happen to me before and it isn’t easy living like that. As cliché as this sounds, it will get better. It takes a while until the side effects wear off and you don’t feel the AP so much. By the way did your doctor say anything about the dissociation?
I appreciate you bringing up the interview, I’ll have to think more about that analogy and what I think it could mean for me. I think rooms make sense. I used to and still sometimes refer to these things as “places” and I feel I have become increasingly familiar with this “place” in recent time and forgotten the others, in fact I very often think about forgetting about them…its to the point though I haven’t remembered I even forgot the “better” places till you brought this up. They are like a geographical space in my head that I wander in, but I went to the borderlands and accidentally fell out somehow into a bad place. I hope I can find my way back. I don’t know if this makes sense.
I am less worked up, I have been taking prn antipsychotic the past few days. One night I did not take them the presence came back, I think it was this night that I posted this. I do not know if I will take it tonight yet. Oh wow this post feels old, it was just the day before yesterday, I forgot about it.
I’ve been doing work and made food. I am honestly pretty confused.
I will keep doing prn antipsychotics but I read last night about how APs cause brain damage and got concerned. I think I am in a place where I am doubting a lot right now, I keep swinging back and forth between wondering if I am making everything up.
I forgot to mention the dissociation when I went in recently, I’ll maybe mention it next time. My therapist knows about it. But yeah it does feel like I may lose either way, though I think today I may feel more hopeful, but perhaps I will even wake up from this. Thank you for understanding.
Sorry for the late reply! Im glad my words could be if some comfort. It hurts me to hear you feel this bad, because i have been there and dealt with the horrible emptiness.
