On the negative side, I’m not getting stuff done. I’ve cancelled appts and ignoring my phone, have hardly left the house since I got out of hospital 3 weeks ago. I’m supposed to have had my lithium levels checked and appts with CPN but can’t bring myself to make a call or answer the phone.
On the plus side, my mood is more stable although a bit low. Also I have got a handle on the compulsive gambling, in fact hardly gambled at all this last few weeks. Also good that I’m not getting any side effects from the meds, was a bit ‘out of it’ and floaty/dizzy at first on the lithium but feel more normal now.
So I guess I should consider myself fortunate. The voices are still there but they aren’t telling me to do bad stuff, and the visuals are ‘whoah’ but tolerable. Had an interesting hallucination yesterday in the kitchen that was like the opening scene of apocalypse now, but still managed to finish cooking, so feel quite good about that as it was very vivid. If the symptoms are tolerable then I’m doing ok, I know they will probably never go away but as long as I am not terrified all the time or having thoughts of hurting myself then things are ok. I am feeling quite low but trying to look at the positives and keep myself moving forward. Just need to start going to my appointments and answering the phone, I’m going to make that a goal.
Feel quite silly setting myself goals like answering the phone, but this illness makes ‘normal’ stuff difficult. I just want to keep going forward, see the hospitalisation as a setback on my journey, I want things to look forward to, I’m stuck in a rut but looking for ways out. I suppose that in itself is something positive. It’s hard though.
Sorry, rambling…