Hey folks, I just wanted to drop by and say hi, I hope no one has been worrying about me, I can’t remember when I was last online. I’ve been in what feels like the worst depression I’ve ever suffered, it took hold of me bit by bit until I was completely consumed by it, time has gone out of sync, I have no idea how long it’s been, certainly before Christmas. The feeling that I’ve been hollowed out and filled with blackness was terrifying. However in the last day or two the anguish and despair, the heaviness, has started to subside. I’m still having strong suicidal thoughts, but I feel better than I did. My lithium has been increased and I’m on and AD, so hopefully things will improve soon.
It’s a really odd and contradictory state to be in, I’m walking the dog, keeping the house clean and tidy etc, I can talk with my boyfriend and even laugh, it’s such a confusing feeling to be functioning on some level and yet still want to die. But I have promised by bf and my mental health worker that I will call him if I feel like I’m actually going to go through with it. A big part of me just wants to end it, because I just feel like I cannot cope with life, but I am going through the motions of life and doing everything I can to survive. My MH worker is visiting every few days, and I am honest and open with him. The MH team have agreed that I can stay at home as long as I can talk openly about how I feel and keep managing the day to day stuff, but I have agreed that I will go into hospital if I get to the point where I am not safe.
You folks on here have been a huge source of support, just wanted to say how much I appreciate you all.
