I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m more misunderstood now that my label was changed than before when it was paranoid schizophrenia. I don’t know the point of changing it to bipolar1 if it makes no difference. My mom kept calling the police and saying I wasn’t her daughter, trying to get me evicted from my own home. So I ran away with some thirty-three year old guy I met on the internet who was recently divorced and lost his kids. I was completely sober and well before I met him. But it was one thing after another. My bank account and card was randomly closed so I was then trapped there. He got me to smoke weed, use whippets, and took two painkillers and he repeatedly assaulted me. I was an hour from home, and didn’t know the area but it was more near metro area, then he said if I had sex with anyone other than him he would kill me, and he raped me even though I wasn’t sure it was rape I kept telling him to stop and he was violently assaulting me.
Then kicked me out at 3am after I had been there for awhile, after I had been convinced to do all those drugs and I was passing out at the wheel. I’m sorry this is so horrible but I have nothing left, no one to talk to. I am losing it emotionally because I have not told anyone what happened I’m so ashamed and hurt. I was just being nice and all he did was hurt me. I’m having crazy dreams, on the verge of a relapse. Don’t want to go to a hospital. My x bf was woken up in the middle of the night when I was at my best friend’s house and I found out two weeks later the police were called because he had overdosed and his friend didn’t know. plus I had been there like 10 minutes before the police showed up. So his mother made him sign a contract that he wouldn’t see either of us, even though I wasn’t involved at all. So I ran away and this guy I met told me not to trust my family and was constantly putting down my relationships, assaulted me, yelled at me, he had bipolar but I’m not like that at all and he was in denial. Then kicked me out and I was crying and sobbing and had to leave, wouldn’t even wait 4 minutes for me to turn on my GPS on my phone, and I was literally falling asleep at the wheel I’m lucky I made it home. Almost went straight into a guard rail. Then I was almost in an accident again but for no reason.
Then I took an overdose and after I left the pain was so emotional so much hurt in me. I felt like dying. I wanted to die, I was ready to kill myself like my ex who did it for no reason. The first thing my ex asked me is if I had any money, after he was released from hospital. He had bike rode to my house! How is that my fault. And his mom is acting like I’m to blame for everything, even his colitis because I “bought him food” apparently everyone just uses me and abuses me. I’m so done. I am barely hanging on. Just got accepted to college and I barely have the strength to make an effort. Too much has been blocked, ruined and pushing me. I feel like the entire world wanted me dead or crazy in a hospital. Everyone keeps pushing me further to the end of my rope. I have no idea of what to do. It’s worthless. Focusing on recovery was pointless, no such thing as getting better. Im sick of it.