So I guess I should start out with what the Shadows have been telling me lately. They tell me that bad things happen to the people that I am around and to the people that I hang out with. There have been a couple deaths recently so the Shadows blame those deaths on me. A recent thing that they just started saying last night I think it was, was telling me who’s going to die next.
Well all of that really got to me so for the past few days I’ve been getting closer to running away. Today this morning I loaded my school backpack with extra clothes, and I took the small amount of money that I had. I did this with the intentions that I would run away right after school. I wouldn’t get on the bus instead I would just walk away from the bus chute, the school, and my friends for I thought that I was going to cause them to die if I stayed.
Well I went down to a place called FOCUS because the Shadows were really bad and I was stressed out at the idea that I was going to run away. To calm myself down though I kept telling myself that everybody would be safe after I left. This kept the idea in my head and kept me thinking that I could actually go through with it.
I mentioned my running away plan in a different topic and a lot of you helped convince me that it wasn’t a good idea especially since it’s winter right now. I wrote a note to one of the adults at FOCUS this is what it said
I figured it would be best if an adult knew this. Today I had plans to run away. I have only a little bit of money and extra clothes. Other than that I have nothing else to support and sustain myself with. I didn’t know where I was going to go I just knew the direction I would walk in. I’ve been having this impulse for a while now and it’s been getting harder to resist. I feel like I have to run away because if I don’t people are going to die and/or get hurt. I would wish to go to the hospital because I am afraid of what I might do to myself in the future and I feel that going to the hospital would be best for me.
They brought me to the office then called my parents but they couldn’t get a hold of her so they left a message. I just got done talking to my dad and I explained why I almost ran away and I have yet to tell him that I feel it’s best for me to go to a hospital. I’m a little nervous about telling him though I think that I have to because I can’t keep on living like this.
Running away is dangerous. But I understand why you think you should. I know it’s scary but I think you should talk to your parents. They may decide to get you help.
Oops I forgot to put that in there. I did talk to him. I talked to him about how I felt that I caused bad things and he helped me a little with that and said multiple times that I don’t cause that which is good. He said that he’s still nervous to bring me to and I’m quoting here “A head shrink.” He said that if it comes down to it then he will bring me to the hospital if that would be safer. He asked me if I thought I was going to commit suicide and I honestly don’t know so I haven’t told him that I feel it’s best for me to go to the hospital because he might ask why and I don’t know if he’ll accept I’m afraid that I’ll get worse and that I actually will run away or commit suicide. He might not accept it because it kind of sounds like a what if and not a definite thing. Although I am positive that I’m going to get worse because that’s what is happening. I remember it first started and the Shadows were just there they didn’t even really talk and now it’s this. So I’m positive that I will tell him that I feel it’s best to go to the hospital I just haven’t yet.
I don’t starve myself that is for sure, and I get 8-10 hours of sleep so I am not seeing how those things relate. Also as for isolation I feel that I have not isolated myself at all I gladly talk to my friends on a daily basis and sometimes I want some alone time but every human needs some alone time so I also do not see how that causes what is happening to me. I’ve been trying to do what the ‘healthy’ kids do. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t take any medication. I should be healthy but frankly I am not. I am sorry that I am not what I’m supposed to be.
But I can’t do it on my own. When I try to do it on my own this is what happens that’s why I talked to my dad because if I keep doing it on my own then yes I am going to do something bad to myself and very well might die that is why I want my parents to bring me to a hospital because I’m only getting worse.
Honestly I don’t mind if I don’t get a like from you. I am simply stating what has been going on and if you don’t believe me or you feel that I am doing everything wrong despite the fact that I am trying to reach out to my parents and other people for help then that is too bad.
I just don’t know how to tell them right now. We are all in the living room and my brothers are present. They don’t really know anything that goes on, my brothers that is. I’m horrible at starting conversations like this I just don’t know what to say.
look I’m sorry that was uncalled for and I shouldn’t have said that. Today has just been really stressful for me today. I apologize for saying that and for the way I acted.
No need to apologize. Actually, I like that you stood up for yourself. Advice such as “pull yourself up by your bootstraps,” or “just snap out of it” is ignorant at best and harmful at worst.
Thank you but even still by me replying like that the chances of a continued argument go further up, and right now I am not really in the mood for a heated argument. I will calmly argue a point such as I am trying to reach out for help but I don’t want to get into a fight.
You’re doing the best you can…keep emphasizing to your father how serious this is to you…even though your parents don’t trust the mental health system they do sound like they love you and knowing you are planning to run away or may hurt yourself someday really should push them to let you get help. I tried to get help from my parents for 8 years with no luck, it took them finding my journals I filled with my pain and suffering to understand the seriousness of what I was going through…you need to hammer it through their heads…
And if you do get hospitalized try to see if your doctor or whoever can give some psychoeducation to your parents. Though be aware that if you’re hospitalized you will probably be put on medication. I really think you should see a therapist…but if you are really concerned then hospitalization would be best.
I’m rooting for you. I really hope everything works out. I agree running away is not a very good or safe idea. Aside from it being winter, many bad things happen to girls your age that run away.
I’ll try to get them to understand and I think that if I explain that I feel it’s best that I do go to the hospital because I feel like I am getting worse and fast then I think that they will bring me to the hospital. I just want to wait till after the weekend because we have a christmas planned so we are going to my great-grandma and great-grandpa’s. I should be okay during the weekend though. I was thinking that I could talk to them about it tonight but tell them that I would rather wait till after the weekend so that the christmas plans don’t get messed up.
Sure timing can be important. And remember that you’re really strong for standing up for yourself like this. You’re doing the right thing and it’s not easy.
