Trying not to think

I can’t get the thought of running away out of my head. My best friend’s girlfriend just broke up with her and the Shadows (what I call my hallucinations) keep telling me it’s because of me. That she’s sad because of me and a part of me can’t help but believe them. I keep thinking that I can just not get on the bus and instead I can just walk away from the school and from my friends so that I don’t hurt them. I don’t think I will but it’s just the fact that I think it. I don’t know.

2 Likes

Sometimes we blame ourselves when bad things happen to people we care deeply about, but the truth is that it’s not your fault that your best friend broke up with her girlfriend. And if you ran away your best friend would be very sad, probably cry a lot. You don’t want that, right?

No, it’s not your fault.

4 Likes

Yes with SZ we blame ourselves for a lot of things, stay there and comfort your friend.

4 Likes

No I don’t want her to cry a lot, but I feel like if I stay then I will only cause her more pain. I know it’s irrational but it is an almost constant thought of mine that I cause the people that I’m around to be hurt. I don’t do something to really cause it except for just being around them. I know that it’s not true or at least a part of myself knows it so I will try to focus on only that part, and not the part that says that I should run away to help save my friends.

2 Likes

That’s a very good idea. I’m sure you’re a very nice person who doesn’t cause harm to anyone. Be gentle with yourself.

2 Likes

Thank you, and I’ll try to be more gentle on myself. For me it’s hard, though I promise that I will try.

3 Likes

Okay. I will do that. I think that she will need it.

2 Likes

Mkay I’m at home now. I’m just taking it one hour at a time, and trying to distract myself, but I’m doing better.

3 Likes

Glad you’re doing better.

1 Like

I’m sorry you’re still having these thoughts. You do not cause bad things to happen to your loved ones, and I do not drain the life out of mine. You really need to get into some kind of treatment. It takes a lot of therapy, and the right medication, but those thoughts can go away. Is your counselor still forgetting to set up an appointment with your parents?

It’s possible you may need to take matters into your own hands. If you can, tell your parents you’re sick. Say it’s an earache or something that can’t really be seen by anyone except a doctor. Once you’re in the room, the doctor will ask you standard questions from a form. Those questions will include, “do you ever think about hurting yourself, do you ever hear things that aren’t real, do you feel anxious, do you feel you are in a safe place,” and other such questions. Even a general practitioner will ask these.

They may have paperwork to fill out beforehand that includes these questions. Make sure you fill it out. Don’t let your parents fill it out for you. Answer all of the questions honestly. The doctor will refer you to a psychiatrist from there. If, by some weird chance your doctor doesn’t ask these questions outright, you have to be brave and tell her about the shadows and about hurting yourself. I know you’ve already tried telling an adult three times, and it didn’t go so well, but a real, trained doctor will be different. Your doctor will get you on the path to proper treatment.

I don’t usually condone telling lies, but I think in your case it’s necessary. Your parents just don’t want to believe what is happening, so you need to find other ways to get help. Earaches happen all the time, and they almost always need prescribed antibiotics to go away. And nobody will be able to tell if your ear hurts except you.

2 Likes

He never did set up an appointment but he did call my parents telling them what I had been telling him. Well an outline of it anyways he wanted me to tell them more. Honestly I was kind of pissed off because I hate being shoved into situations like that. Apparently he had told me that he would have to call my parents and tell them. I don’t remember him saying that but right now it’s whatever.

Ever since I talked to them I haven’t really talked to the counselor or my parents about it. I feel like he’s kind of forgotten me because I think he was supposed to set up a meeting time with me but he hasn’t and I don’t really feel like going down to him to most likely be turned away because he already has a student and to then be told to come in the next day and be turned down again. Then be told that he would get a hold of me and then forgotten about, so I’ve just not been talking to him.

As for not talking to my parents I’ve been pretending everything is fine for about 3 years now. Pretending I haven’t been seeing and hearing things that aren’t there for about 1 year now so it isn’t all that easy to just suddenly talk to and be totally open with my parents.

I might do that. I haven’t told them about my delusions because well they’ve really only ever asked about the Shadows so that’s been our main focus and when I did have the chance to tell them I didn’t because I was afraid that I would just be called silly for believing that people can read my mind or for believing that I cause bad things. I’m not exactly sure how they will react to that but honestly I think that I would feel safer talking to a doctor because I know that they should be able to get me help, and I know for sure that a doctor will listen to me.

Do you really think that’s it’s bad enough that I would have to do this. A part of me believes that it is, because I almost did run away. I had it all planned out. Well except for the money part because I didn’t have any money on me but I just figured that I’d figure that out later. I know that’s just a real smart idea. The other part says that it isn’t bad enough but I think that’s just because it’s afraid.

It is definitely bad enough. So many of us start out thinking we can manage on our own, and try to just deal with it with no help. It never works. You will never get better by just trying your best to ignore it. It might go away for a bit, but then it will come back even worse. I even started to get physically sick because of all the stress. One person is not capable of handling psychosis on their own. If left untreated, there is an almost 100% chance that it will eventually get worse.

Don’t be like so many of us, who had to be homeless or in jail or locked up in a ward and forced into treatment. Go seek help while it’s still manageable.

I don’t mean to scare you. If you do get help, there is a strong possibility you will fully recover, and then live a completely normal life forever. But you need to get treated first.

2 Likes

Yeah. Your’e right about it coming back worse. I know that you aren’t trying to scare me you are just trying to help. I’ll do that, at least I hope I will. I might chicken out but I think that I will be able to find the guts to get help. I will definitely keep you updated and I apologize in advance if I chicken out though I will not think about chickening out anymore since that might make me want to even more.

1 Like

Good luck! You can do this. You have a fighting spirit.

1 Like

Hey @ninjastar I just realized something. What if my parents come into the doctors office with me? I’m not sure if they will, and I’m not sure if they have to stay out either. To be honest I’m not positive on how the doctor works anyways it’s been years since I’ve been to a doctor. I know that’s not really a good thing but it’s the truth.

You can ask to be seen alone. I’m not sure if your parents can insist on going in with you or not, since you’re a minor. It’s been many years since I was a minor, but I’m pretty sure I remember my doctor asking me if I wanted to go in alone. Just a heads up though, your doctor will be obligated to tell your parents about the self-harm and the suicidal thoughts, because she is a mandated reporter. The rest of it, about the delusional thoughts and the shadows, should be confidential.

But even if your parents insist on staying in the room with you, you should try to answer the questions honestly. They won’t like what you have to say, but you have to be focused on helping yourself, and not on pleasing them. Ask for specialized help. Demand it, if you have to.

Once you have an appointment with a psychiatrist/psychologist, your parents are legally obligated to let you go to it. If they don’t, it is a form of child abuse. Denying proper medical care for your child is child abuse, plain and simple. Know your rights, and stand up for them.

2 Likes

People are very shallow about things. If your friend wants to be friends with you but you feel like you’re causing her to experience stigma maybe you should talk about it with her.

1 Like

I just spoke with my doctor. She said you are legally allowed to see the doctor on your own if you’re older than 12, but you should write a letter to your doctor explaining your symptoms as a backup, just in case. That way, you can just hand it to your doctor and not say anything.

1 Like

I feel like I should warn you, when you do this, there is a chance your doctor will choose to send you directly to the psychiatric hospital for evaluation. If that happens, don’t be afraid. It’s a good thing, because it means you will get treatment more quickly. If you do end up at the hospital, they will definitely speak to you without your parents around and ask you more in-depth questions, but they will usually be way more knowledgeable about the questions they’re asking. Be totally honest with them. If you feel you can’t talk out loud, ask if you have the option of writing your answers down.

If they decide you need to be admitted, that’s okay. They will give you medication in the hospital and you will hopefully start feeling better. If they decide to send you home, they will first set up an appointment with a psychiatrist for sometime in the next seven days. The hospital is usually the fastest path to a psychiatrist in America.

1 Like

@qwertie well I feel like I cause bad things to happen to all of my friends. I have been talking to them a little bit about it I don’t really like to though. I don’t know why, maybe I’m afraid that they’ll call me silly or stupid or something for believing something like that.

@ninjastar Well I am older than 12, and yeah I think I will write a note. Just in case.

Honestly right now I don’t mind if I’m sent to a hospital. I just want help and I just want to get better. I would like to stay at home because I don’t want to be away from my friends and if I’m admitted into a hospital and I have to stay then I most likely won’t be able to get on here but I should be able to after ward.

What if my parents get mad at me? Because I would fake being sick, then I would talk to a doctor about my hallucinations and delusions without first talking to them, and that I said I would talk to my parents more but it’s so hard to talk to my parents. I don’t think I know how.

I’m sorry I know it’s a lot of what if’s but my brain won’t be quiet.

1 Like