Schizophrenia.com

Not Diagnosed, Worried; Only Label That Fit

So please don’t be angry with me. I’m not worried at the moment, but I am intermittently so I suppose I’m talking about another state of being. Feeling kind of indifferent at the moment. But I asked about this on a tulpa forum, and they said it was not at all a tulpa, and I thought I knew enough not to think it was anything like this. But I don’t know anymore. This is already feeling really empty and cheap. But here we go. Ever since I was a kid, and I guess I can remember, I’ve had a particular voice in my head (I don’t hear him outside of my head, so it’s not an auditory hallucination, so I don’t know if it counts) and felt like that if I stopped believing he was real I would lose all my creativity and my stories, which are the most important things of my life. They’re all I’ve got to pass on, I mean. I still kind of feel like if I don’t feel the misery or anxiety it causes me I won’t ever be able to complete this dream and I might as well die, because that’s the only way I can remember how to show human emotions. But when I was a kid, I used to be afraid people could hear my thoughts and I would try so hard not to think freely around anyone. It got even worse because I couldn’t read books, play games, or watch tv shows without thinking they were judging how disgusting I was or hating me and my thoughts. So I would lock all the doors and cover the vents in my room to prevent myself from worrying about it. My mom had to put all the Dragonlance books in the basement because of this. I would even have to do this while using the restroom. What might be interesting to note is that I would carry that item around religiously at first until I thought it was starting to dislike me. I used to break things like game systems for taunting me (again, in my head, so it wasn’t an auditory hallucination, but I couldn’t stop it. I actually almost broke my computer today for that reason). What’s weird is that I would pray for the specific male voice to leave, and he left for about a week. I got headaches during that time and felt so dull and just…painfully empty. And I prayed for him to come back, and he did. I still experience these things, though I don’t cover vents anymore. I tried killing the voice myself like you would a tulpa, and, I guess it kind of worked? It hasn’t been as aggressive lately, but like I said, I still hear things and beat the crap out of inanimate objects for this. But, I also don’t remember how to love anymore. I really hate my boyfriend, and at times I think it’s justified, but it might also not be. He tricked me into kissing him and tried tricking me into sending him a picture to jack off to. And I hate him so much for it. And that’s all I hate him for, really. Finally, I think I’m just destined to be alone. Forever. Sometimes I think once I am alone and there’s no one left with me, I can die. I kind of look forward to it sometimes. I don’t want to talk to my therapist about any of this, and I don’t think I want to get rid of it. But I also feel like I might have something to worry about and that I might lose myself one day. But then again if I know it exists and it isn’t real how can it get to me? And do I even care anymore if it does? Sometimes I do want it gone, but, I just want to stay human too. Sorry for the super long post, and sorry if it doesn’t belong here. I’m just trying to figure some things out. Should I be worried, or am I just being stupid about all this?

I’m sorry… that is too difficult to read…

try breaking it up or making a shorter post if you want more people to read it. Keeping it simple will get you the most help…

and also,

welcome to the forum!

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how do i edit it? Thank you by the way

It’s too late… just make another one… no one is going to mind.

You can’t edit posts after 15 to 25 minutes

Oh okay. Thank you

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