I just lost mum. Im struggling. I was half-psychotic and now im just in deep pain. In her last period i was in a very triggered, hardened and paranoid mood at times, in and out of fight/flight, so i couldnt consistently support her as i wanted to. Only in times when i felt okay. And because her and dad obviously werent in the best moods either, we had a few very painful conversations.
My childhood had some issues and in psychosis i often distrusted my mum, which was painful for her, and we never fully managed to heal our mutual wounds, though there was love. I hate myself for the pain i caused. I want to go back and tell her she is loved (which i also did many times). Hug her. Take back my bad words, forgive hers. See the vulnerability and need for love behind her temper, behind her somewhat controlling behaviour, so i could love her through hard times and bad tempers. See her for the incredibly loving person she also was, though not always easy.
I am in such pain now, i got borderline psychotic and a burden on dad.
So…practically…any advice on how to support, or at least not be a burden? Im feeling so deeply crushed myself, that conversations go awry. He isnt a talker at all, i tried today but it fails. He got mad at me, i at him. He just works, even when i or son am there. Doing things together wont work. I dont know if he even likes me, though he says he loves me cause im his child. I already upped meds for a week and started saffron (antidepressant herb).
All I can suggest is to love yourself as much as possible. Pick up a hobby or something that will give you esteem. A job would be ideal, the easiest job you can handle.
Thanks…i think you are right. Im so beating myself up over things i cant change, that i dont do the things i CAN change and im actually hurting others with it too. It is no use. Better to accept reality indeed.
Yeah, i thought of asking for a clinical treatment…a stay in a ward with extensive therapy. I have begged for therapy for years, but they dont easily do that, somehow. Privately financed therapy is too expensive.
I’m so sorry you lost your mom. The best thing you can do to help your dad is show him love. Be kind to him. Don’t yell at him or say hurtful things, just bite your tongue. I think therapy would be great for you. I hope you find a way to get it.
Thank you. Im trying my best. Im just so overwhelmed there isnt much room to “bear” / hold someone elses anger calmly without responding emotionally. I just sent him a kind message and keep my distance when im overwhelmed/panicky. I thought about sending sweet words now and then…it is a way to communicate love without him having to deal with my emotions.
Bvf, I am very sorry for your mom, my condolences… Try not to beat yourself… I was also diagnosed as borderline once, but maybe I am just a borderline sz as you… My story is that I was a zombie for twenty years first, no regards about my family and after that just came my diagnosis where I closed myself for the others… I am still almost in this state, but I am far from even imagining how hurt was my mom with me… Believe me, she saw my thirty years of isolation and she still needs to take care of me :/… She is quite sick now too… But I try to be gentle with myself… You can try this too… It wasn’t our fault, its a terrible illness… The most of the time I am in so physical pain that its not human… Believe the love of your dad still and I think you both will be fine with the time . He loves you. My dad was an abuser compared to yours, so its quite hard on this here…
Take care, I feel the same as you often…
Thank you! Sorry you too struggled with such things. Wishing you well. Sorry your dad wasnt good to you, and mum is sick.
My dad is actually a very kind man. Just very introverted and working always, so i dont know how to love him, or talk to him. I know he loves me…i just dont think he likes me, and maybe rightfully so.
I just spoke to my brother and he said mum understood i was ill and she saw how i tried to be loving in better periods…he said her desk is filled with sweet letters and cards from me.
I just want this bad, paranoid side of me to not be there. :-/
Oh, I can be honest too now then… My mom is precious with me ya know and I find, that I was worse than you… Mostly, cause I remained ill for very long, thirty years now… And for the most of this time, I felt so alone and so unloved that it was hell… But I am ill still, so me too I ask myself still if my mom really loves me… You are not alone on this yeap…He likes you I guess, ya know Just try to believe it too :). I am the same, not loving anybody when even my body hurts from this illness… But its not our fault again, its a terrible illness… Once youll be better, you’ll be able to see how your dad really likes you, believe me So try to chase the paranoia, but think of you too
Yeah, my dad was beating to death my sister and my mom…
Youlle be fine, don’t worry. We have our lives too also yeap
Yeah, just talking about my dad now and I immediately felt as a psycho… I probably say too much on this forum. But you see, you are not alone. Anyway, its up to our lives too.
All the best to you too!
. He loves you. My dad was an abuser compared to yours, so its quite hard on this here…