No symptoms...but struggling

Haven’t experienced symptoms in a good while now which seems to be the norm for me these days. I have however been struggling with a different beast…addiction. I have not been using anything, just craving. Craving and dreaming. I rarely ever remember my dreams but when I do it seems that 99 percent of them are about using drugs. I was never even a drug addict…I experimented heavily, mostly pot and hallucinogens, in my teens but that isn’t what I am dreaming about.

I am dreaming about hard drugs…after only a few weekend binges several years ago my psyche has been corrupted by a fixation on the stuff. In these dreams I am somewhere…anywhere…and before me are dozens of little baggie twists packed with drugs and I pick one up only for it to disappear in my hand…and again…and again.

I am not a drug person…I have an intellectual interest in them…a curiosity…but never was I an addict or even a regular user of anything but at a few times in my life marijuana. Neither am I nor ever have I been a “drug seeker” meaning I am very rarely inclined to go out or text friends looking for drugs. I just crave them.

I did however break down this summer and send out a few texts looking for something and got hooked up with this ridiculous hip hop-ish character who ripped me off a hundred bucks. Probably the best thing that could have happened in that situation. I attributed this to the fact that I am not seemingly the drug type…I am naïve in the ways of these things…maybe a little less so than the average joe…but still naïve.

I’ll be fine…this is similar to my struggle with alcohol and my experiment with refraining from it as well as other substances that were around me during those sixteen months of sobriety. But damn does this stuff have a hold on me. Just felt compelled to write about it, get it out there and out of my head…helps sometimes.


I’m sending my best and rooting for you to keep strong. It’s not easy. Congratulations on getting this far. If writing the craving out of your head helps… I’m glad your doing it.

I’ve been sober for 6 years and when people who don’t know me offer me a drink I can easily say no thank you. I’ve been able to turn down pot now too. Amphetamines are long gone with no looking back.

But I still dream about and think about and crave XTC. If that crossed my path again… I’m afraid I’d have no power to stop myself.

Good luck and stay strong

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Sometimes I still dream about using certain things and I’ve been cleaning from them for 12 years… I try to look at it is a reminder why I shouldn’t. That somewhere in the back of my mind they still have their hold on me. I hope you feel better after writing about it.

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I find that when my symptoms calm down, I tend to struggle with being bored with life. Do you feel kind of a sense of hum-drum? Just curious. When I’m in that cycle, I do tend to want to do something more adventurous. I tried pot in one “safe” cycle, I was bored. I don’t like pot. I’m glad! I used to get off on cocaine, but I don’t think I ever want to touch it again. I would probably cause me to have severe anxiety and nausea. The way I feel when I get manic sometimes reminds me of what I felt when I’d been snorting coke all night. Yuck! One thing I’m really hot on trying is smoking opium. Heroin is too hazardous.

Well, stay strong! Saying no to hard drugs is always a good idea. I wish I didn’t have an alcohol problem, but I’m glad that I don’t want to do drugs. I have enough drama!

I have heard some heroine addicts before theyre just testing it out THEY could never be addicted.
your doing SO WELL recovery is a marathon put enough time between you and it. have you read living sober? good book by alcoholics anon.

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Thanks for the support everyone…

@dandydinmot -Living Sober? Yep I own it…it’s somewhere…never did read it though :smile:

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dig it out good stuff in there.

How is your Clubhouse doing?

Are you taking medications? When I’m low on some of my meds I head to buy cigarettes which I do at no other time.

I know how 1 cigarette can get it’s hook in you. It must be much worse with harder drugs.

psychiatrists say that schizophrenics have a 50% lifetime risk of addiction on drugs.

for years after i stopped smoking pot, i used to dream about having loads of it and getting stoned. i didn’t want it in my waking life but in dreams, i was well and truly hooked. it was the only drug i really got addicted to. i tried cocaine a few times and much as i liked it, there was no addiction. i’m more wary now of cocaine than i was back then as if i had the money, i don’t know that i could trust myself not to indulge. not on a daily basis but now and again and it not a road i wish to go down .