Nightmares as indicators of flare ups + some artwork

So I had a nightmare about masturbating into my mailbox as the mail truck was on its way, getting closer, one house at a time, and for some reason I HAD to come in my mailbox so I panicked and went at it like a madman (wait isnt that my default way of going at things?) and then I woke up. I didnt want to be naked in broad daylight in public, masturbating into my mailbox. Like what the ■■■■. That was a nightmare.

I had some symptoms around people today, at the orthodontist, at the gym and at my cousins house when his posse came over.

This is a recurring pattern. Nightmares mean bad day for me.

But whatever I dont let symptoms stop me from finishing things. ■■■■■■■■■ schizophrenia!
I look at the four skull drawings on my bedroom wall when I feel like ■■■■ and just think about ■■■■■■■■■■■■ schizophrenia. These are my skull, notice the chin and forehead

When I was off liquor and waiting for my meds to kick in last summer I would just stare at my drawings and sometimes talk to them. I used to think I had split personality disorder.

made when I was bonkers

This skull is “Black’s” skull. He was 18 and 185 lbs, just learned a bunch of krav maga and unmedicated in the prodromal phase, half-crazy, while going to an international school. He smoked pot and drank but worked out like ■■■■ crazy even after drinking or smoking pot. He benched 250 stoned.

Heres white, he was 17, Buddhist, sane and straight edge and actually used his intelligence

Here’s red. 19 years old. He was practically a demon, psychotic as can be and loved taking huge amounts of stimulants and then later alcohol. But he carb loaded on alcohol and then worked out like ■■■■■■■ batshit the next morning and did this almost every day.

and this is me today, one pill away

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doesnt this just make you feel good inside.

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Nightmares means a relapse of SZ, becareful @mortimermouse… I like the skulls especially the last one I find it funny…

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Oh dear… Ok, good to know. I have to keep an eye on some vivid dreams of my own that starting to upset me.

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What does it mean when you don’t dream or have nightmares? My psychosis has been getting exponentially worse these last few months and I have stopped dreaming and having nightmares… Sometimes I feel like I am living in one big nightmare that I can’t wake from though.

I had a therapist tell me one time that when a psychotic person doesn’t dream, symptoms will flare up. He even said normal people who don’t dream are at a risk of becoming psychotic.

I know nightmares mean a relapse. I am holding tight. I dont have summer classes, all I have is powerlifting training and they all know about my condition so I can be a little bonkers and just workout, I used to go to the gym at my college unmedicated and on extreme doses of preworkout. They wont care if I am a little weird acting as long as I dont get delusional and try to lift way too much.

But yeah something is not right in my head. Its nothing like my unmedicated days, but I had some serious delusions yesterday and it was not fun. As long as my train of thought is solid and the voices stay away, I dont freakout.

Last time I lost control of my train of thought and was hearing all of the voices I had a breakdown, I was screaming bloody murder and staring that the floor. I used to function with that stuff going on but since I got on meds my symptoms hurt much more because I dont just accept being crazy like I used to.

But if I lose my ■■■■ it’s ok, ive got like 3 months off of school and made all A’s this past year, so I have time to recover if I do lose it.

Im not gonna lie, Im scared. I am not as mentally tough as I used to be. A complete relapse of symptoms means I might get suicidal, so I might actually commit myself to lakeside, the local looney bin if my meds just fail completely. Last time I had a full blown episode was ■■■■■■■ horrific, it was when I tried a new med, Latuda instead of Geodon. My parents had to babysit me, it was pathetic, I was so ■■■■■■ up, they said I was nonresponsive to half of what they were asking me and all I did was yell at the floor and occasionally stop and say something that didnt make sense, something philosophical but not optimistic.

I was broken. Elyn Saks says that schizophrenia means “split mind” but that is an understatement and that “shattered mind” is more accurate. I just dont want the whole shattered mind thing again.

I think everyone on here doesnt get how bad my case is when left untreated. It’s the whole nine yards, my parents said they would have had me committed right when I was behaving psychotically but they were afraid that I would fight to the death if people tried to take me in. I was paranoid as ■■■■ and know a fair amount of Krav Maga and have been lifting weights since I was 17, my mom said I am basically a walking weapon and thats why they just let me live at home and be insane instead of committing me, even though I did qualify for involuntary commitment- I was harming myself. They said I was always talking about “the watch” some conspiracy about me being on TV and the internet and people planning to kill me. I remember half of it. My memory of the whole thing isnt clear, but I do remember some arguments and especially symptomatic moments. I had a girlfriend who ive talked to since and she said that I kept saying that something was wrong with me but I didnt know how to describe it. LOL

Anyways, my sister got manic from some steroids for an eye surgery when she was 19 (she has bipolar) and she got committed in like 3 hours. I was WAY worse than her and was committed one year after showing symptoms for only one night, they let me go the next morning because they thought I was just really pill and boozed out and not psychotic, but I was both.

But anyways right now I feel a little more paranoid that usual, but no voices and my thoughts are on the right track. I’ve got fellow schizophrenic friends now who I can spend time with if I get worse and can take more of my meds too. My programmer friend who does lots of recreational drugs told me to take two xanax and chew them up if I have an episode. He’s smart so I might just try that. He’s also a good friend, I have 5 good friends who will be here in 30mins if I have a breakdown and ask for help.

My parents arent as much help, they’re for when I am dysfunctional, like cant do basic tasks. My friends talk me through things, my parents can’t get through to me as well, its strange. They’re also a little old and not as on top of things like my friends who are in their 20’s. My friends went to school with me and ■■■■ when I was unmedicated, they remember how I wouldnt make sense half of the time but still made A’s and B’s and lifted weights. They saw me go from the token military brat to the insane and dangerous kid in high school, then watched me recover. They have seen me lose my ■■■■ and get violent too, they have seen it all. Theyve also seen me be symptom free and just fine.

The time I got committed for a night, I was with like 8 or 9 of my friends and started getting violent and breaking and throwing ■■■■ and screaming in their faces. I slapped one of them as hard as I could in the face and screamed at him and I remember doing that, my other friends told him not to strike back, they didnt want me to engage in a fight, event thought I was drunk I was still dangerous as hell. One of my friends had a knife in his pocket and I gave him a hug and felt the knife, pulled it out, switched and and was like “WHAT THE ■■■■ IS THIS DOING IN MY HOME?” and before I knew it everyone was grabbing my arm and pulling the knife out of my hand.

They were OH ■■■■ and called 911. The Crisis Intervention Team officers are great, they convinced me that I was ■■■■■■ up and needed to chill. That and there were 7 of them and they surrounded me.

Im ranting like hell. Sorry. I just plan everything in advance when I get some alarming ■■■■ in my head.

when do you usually get your episodes, or your psychosis ? and when do you usually go to sleep ?

I could probably spend a hour answering this question.

But the short version is:

I have psychosis…

…when I am tired.
…when I am around lots of people.
…when I am around men.
…when I am stressed.
…when K says something that makes me feel she is upset with me.
…when I am in a very noisy place.
…when I am bored.
…when my self image is low.
…when I see blood.
…when I am alone in the dark.
…when I am in public.
…when someone touches me.
…when someone sits next to me.

And sometimes I feel psychosis for no reason at all.

The last few months I have been having bad symptoms most nights around 8pm-Midnight.

I try to get to bed my midnight every night because I have to be to work at 8am Monday-Friday. Which means I need to wake up no later than 7:15am.

The things I have noticed to calm me. K’s 3 squeezes of my hand or somewhere letting me know she loves me. Drawing/Art, music, quiet relaxing places and not having anything on my schedule that needs to be done at a specific time.

I have been good with leaving work at work and not carrying that home and worrying about it… but if i have side projects or things that have a deadline I get really stressed out if it is not something to do with art. Art seems to be the only thing that I can manage having deadlines for.

Also, I really don’t like people. It is hard to make friends but being in public is generally terrifying.

@mortimermouse I’m sure you’ll be okay, I think that the fear of relapse can be a little intimidating to anyone, like what happened to me, but hey I turned out fine, all I get is good hallucinations and even when the bad ones come I’m not afraid anymore, I just feel stronger than whatever games that my mind plays are just games, not reality.
I had the same delusion as yours, I feel that people are spying on me, when I first started working, I thought that they had a spying device in my room at work, and that they had people following me, which I caught them on spot later, and before I left my job they admitted that they were spying on everything in that room and everywhere else by telling specific details, but I didn’t freak out cause I already knew…so it never mattered :wink: when you suspect everything, expect nothing, and never care about anything is where you get the most comfort of life.

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Okay, I think that you don’t do much when you go back home from work, I noticed that if the person got occupied enough then the symptoms won’t be able to find a way to manifest, I think you should get so much occupied at those times where the psychosis happens, get distracted, and don’t give much thought to any of your delusions if you have any…maybe u can put a schedule to start doing a new art collection, so that can keep you occupied enough… that’s my personal opinion… :smile:

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On top of working my full time job to make sure the bills get paid. I am responsible for:
cooking dinners,
helping to maintain the housework,
making sure the pets are taken care of,
making sure the cars are in good working condition,
coding my website,
keeping up on the garden,
responding to messages from friends and emails from potential clients,
and doing commissions.

Occasionally I will have to also work from home in the evenings for my job.

With what time I have left over I have to choose between spending time with K or spending some time doing something I want to do.

The issue is that sometimes the psychosis is too much to handle and I am not able to do the things I need to do. And lately this has been happening more and more.

I have no shortage of things to do, just a shortage of ways to cope with my … issues.

On a good day… my psychosis is just a distraction making it harder to concentrate.

On a bad day… I am useless: unable to interact, detached from reality, and doing something that scares K enough to scold me about it later.

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Maybe you have little interest in what ever you do during the free time, I think you have been living in that routine for a while and your mind had found a way to break free with his games on you…it’s playing games…Maybe you need to do a huge change in your life, changing your job, house, routine, house’s decoration, food, or anything else you find it heavy on your daily life and so boring. when something doesn’t work well then change is the solution.


I think you are on to something there. Changes need to happen for sure.

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