I know nightmares mean a relapse. I am holding tight. I dont have summer classes, all I have is powerlifting training and they all know about my condition so I can be a little bonkers and just workout, I used to go to the gym at my college unmedicated and on extreme doses of preworkout. They wont care if I am a little weird acting as long as I dont get delusional and try to lift way too much.
But yeah something is not right in my head. Its nothing like my unmedicated days, but I had some serious delusions yesterday and it was not fun. As long as my train of thought is solid and the voices stay away, I dont freakout.
Last time I lost control of my train of thought and was hearing all of the voices I had a breakdown, I was screaming bloody murder and staring that the floor. I used to function with that stuff going on but since I got on meds my symptoms hurt much more because I dont just accept being crazy like I used to.
But if I lose my ■■■■ it’s ok, ive got like 3 months off of school and made all A’s this past year, so I have time to recover if I do lose it.
Im not gonna lie, Im scared. I am not as mentally tough as I used to be. A complete relapse of symptoms means I might get suicidal, so I might actually commit myself to lakeside, the local looney bin if my meds just fail completely. Last time I had a full blown episode was ■■■■■■■ horrific, it was when I tried a new med, Latuda instead of Geodon. My parents had to babysit me, it was pathetic, I was so ■■■■■■ up, they said I was nonresponsive to half of what they were asking me and all I did was yell at the floor and occasionally stop and say something that didnt make sense, something philosophical but not optimistic.
I was broken. Elyn Saks says that schizophrenia means “split mind” but that is an understatement and that “shattered mind” is more accurate. I just dont want the whole shattered mind thing again.
I think everyone on here doesnt get how bad my case is when left untreated. It’s the whole nine yards, my parents said they would have had me committed right when I was behaving psychotically but they were afraid that I would fight to the death if people tried to take me in. I was paranoid as ■■■■ and know a fair amount of Krav Maga and have been lifting weights since I was 17, my mom said I am basically a walking weapon and thats why they just let me live at home and be insane instead of committing me, even though I did qualify for involuntary commitment- I was harming myself. They said I was always talking about “the watch” some conspiracy about me being on TV and the internet and people planning to kill me. I remember half of it. My memory of the whole thing isnt clear, but I do remember some arguments and especially symptomatic moments. I had a girlfriend who ive talked to since and she said that I kept saying that something was wrong with me but I didnt know how to describe it. LOL
Anyways, my sister got manic from some steroids for an eye surgery when she was 19 (she has bipolar) and she got committed in like 3 hours. I was WAY worse than her and was committed one year after showing symptoms for only one night, they let me go the next morning because they thought I was just really pill and boozed out and not psychotic, but I was both.
But anyways right now I feel a little more paranoid that usual, but no voices and my thoughts are on the right track. I’ve got fellow schizophrenic friends now who I can spend time with if I get worse and can take more of my meds too. My programmer friend who does lots of recreational drugs told me to take two xanax and chew them up if I have an episode. He’s smart so I might just try that. He’s also a good friend, I have 5 good friends who will be here in 30mins if I have a breakdown and ask for help.
My parents arent as much help, they’re for when I am dysfunctional, like cant do basic tasks. My friends talk me through things, my parents can’t get through to me as well, its strange. They’re also a little old and not as on top of things like my friends who are in their 20’s. My friends went to school with me and ■■■■ when I was unmedicated, they remember how I wouldnt make sense half of the time but still made A’s and B’s and lifted weights. They saw me go from the token military brat to the insane and dangerous kid in high school, then watched me recover. They have seen me lose my ■■■■ and get violent too, they have seen it all. Theyve also seen me be symptom free and just fine.
The time I got committed for a night, I was with like 8 or 9 of my friends and started getting violent and breaking and throwing ■■■■ and screaming in their faces. I slapped one of them as hard as I could in the face and screamed at him and I remember doing that, my other friends told him not to strike back, they didnt want me to engage in a fight, event thought I was drunk I was still dangerous as hell. One of my friends had a knife in his pocket and I gave him a hug and felt the knife, pulled it out, switched and and was like “WHAT THE ■■■■ IS THIS DOING IN MY HOME?” and before I knew it everyone was grabbing my arm and pulling the knife out of my hand.
They were OH ■■■■ and called 911. The Crisis Intervention Team officers are great, they convinced me that I was ■■■■■■ up and needed to chill. That and there were 7 of them and they surrounded me.
Im ranting like hell. Sorry. I just plan everything in advance when I get some alarming ■■■■ in my head.
when you suspect everything, expect nothing, and never care about anything is where you get the most comfort of life.