This might turn in to quite a rambling post, so I apologise in advance. Since my first episode, I’ve found it very difficult to speak about my symptoms to anyone for fear of stigma, and I thought the anonymity of the internet could help me take some of this weight off my shoulders.
I suffer mostly from my tactile hallucinations. Most often they feel like hands on my body, or in my intestines, pinching and probing around. Less often it feels like wasps nesting in my neck and shoulders, and this is accompanied by a droning sound in my head.
Auditory hallucinations also bother me (mostly as I am falling asleep) and while less often, usually make me feel more psychotic than tactile ones. I routinely hear buzzing and droning noises. always in mono, they can never be located in a room. Sometimes voices, but usually when I’m very stressed or anxious. They tell me not to trust anyone. They tell me that other people, especially those close to me, want to hurt me. In… Far too much detail. It makes it difficult for me to keep a social group for long before paranoia sets in.
The voices often cause me to go completely numb and still. I don’t feel very aware of my body, but my gf tells me that I am stiff and difficult to move. If I can be moved, I retain that position until moved again.
I don’t have health insurance, so it is difficult for me to see a therapist often or to afford medications. As a consequence of that, and my fear of people, the stress has been building and compounding my issues. Everyone I’ve ever told has used this against me in some way or another (save for my gf, and my college advisor), but I feel here that I am talking to people who really understand.
So, if you listened through this whole thing, thank you.