NEW POST: do you like this bit of my play - is it schizo enough - problem with director wanting me to change it to rap - she might be right?

The below clip is a short section - meant to be the lead - LEIA talking to JOHNNY who is another patient at the hospital LIEA spends half the play in

this section is supposed to show that they are connected spiritually and in madness via a section of them both ‘talking through the microphone’’

The play is a fantasy love story comedy drama where LEIA travels to other worlds and falls in love with a doctor who type character - not the JOHNNY in the below section - Johnny and Leia just think they are married to each other for a short section of inappropriate love - he’s about 60 and a vagrant type and she’s about 30 and not

although i’m Schizophrenic, i’m not that great at making it up off the top of my head - there are people who might be more in tune with what’s crazy and could help me to improve this section…

I’m also not sure if my director is right - she has suggested making this section like rap and dancey

but - it’s meant to be showing two people in deep connection 0- as does happen in hospital

not - a couple of people having a rap together as might happen over a roll up with a group of young people in the smoking area one evening

i just don’t know if this or anything similar i can come up with is basically schizo enough or is just an embarrassment to me

I feel very embarrassed about this section and it’s easy to feel embarrassed about my work if i don’t think it is good enough to stand up to people who are more experienced in theatre

This play is going to have a 2 week run next year - one week in community venues and one in a proper theatre - it’s the first time I’ve done anything full length and i’m co producing it with help from the premier mental health theatre in the country… i have had to set up a company - find paid actors and a load of community actors - who hopefully will all stay with me while the funding situation is still pending …

JUST need some kind of feedback on whether this is mental enough - or if there is anything that you can think of that would flow better… it’s hard standing up to a director who is a lot more experienced - i could have a rap in there but i’m starting to think that she is wrong to ask me to re write this bit…

What do you think?

LEIA: Who Jim wanted.

JOHNNY: Yea you can say that again. No rolled up jacket.

LEIA: Where are you? I’m listening.

JOHNNY: Packing up.

LEIA: Going somewhere so soon?

JOHNNY: They haven’t got any. Thank god for that.

LEIA: Can you make it for usey fadom?

JOHNNY: What’s that?

LEIA: You know what the problem is?

JOHNNY: It’s heavenly!

LEIA: Just waiting for it.

JOHNNY: Are you moving? (Leans towards LEIA)Do you think there will be a problem with the wishes?

(LEIA holds out clasped hands towards JOHNNY.)

LEIA: Talk into the microphone!

JOHNNY: There’s no end to it. Jeverby told them. All I did was ask!

LEIA: Is there a way round that?

JOHNNY: Take a cigar when you go. Any hints with that? How to light it…? Or smoke it…?

LEIA: Up your trousers round the back way. Grinning saying you’re a lovely man.

JOHNNY: From the target, you’ve got brain rot. Just a hero but terrible.

LEIA: Slight misery, always worth it though.

JOHNNY: Talisman likely. Funny colour. Is it an Impression? No it’s spring.

1 Like

if you are feeling a bit creative - change a line or 2

I need it crazy!

1 Like

It’s an interesting idea, putting it to rap. Why don’t you try it and then compare it to what you have above, maybe it’ll turn out better, maybe it’ll turn out worse, but at least you’ll be able to compare it then and mull it over.

You sound like a huge success by the way.

1 Like

I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I have to ask, is everything okay? There is a fair amount of word salad going on in this play. Wondering how you are feeling and what’s going on with you.

1 Like

Okie - ty - a good suggestion - i’m just pretty sure that rap will have me cringing - i’ve never been good with any kind of music let alone something that sounds cool

1 Like

Hi alien

I’m fine i’ve just written a play with schizophrenic bits in it about a woman with schizophrenia who never fully recovers but with the help of meds goes on to have a loving life long relationship with a man who can travel to other worlds
the story is positive and shines a light on a very dark area - it is actually about the light that schizophrenia has - which is not often shown or talked about - this is just one of the most deeply psychotic moments…

I’ve been writing it for 2,5 years and every time i meet this director she has ideas that alter how i saw it

it’s difficult to believe i could invent a rap - which is what she’s suggested

the word salad is made up out of my head - it’s not how i’m thinking and i don’t use word salad to communicate which is why i’ve had to ‘make it up’ which i find difficult

if it’s coming across as word salad that is a huge compliment - it’s the intention

Rap started out as some guy (Gil Scott Heron) reading his poems to music, and I don’t think it’s changed much. So think poetry instead of music.


Okay, good thing I asked instead of jumping to a conclusion. I’m not the artistic type, but I thought I’d check on you. Good luck with your play. I wish you the best!

1 Like

Thanks alien


Personally, I agree with you that turning this section in a rap and dance sequence does not serve the point of the play right - as how interpret the point to be. (One question, is Johnny a sz too? I took him to be so…) An interesting theme you seem to be touching upon is that of a connection between a schizophrenic patient and another person ( I assumed Johnny is too, and I think it serves this point if he were). The theme becomes one since a sz is on quite a fundamental level disconnected from the shared world. How, if lacking such a basis for ordinary interaction, is a connection with another person possible? This gives their connection a depth that goes beyond an ordinary love affair between neurotypicals. I think this theme is even stronger when Johnny is living in an extraordinary world as well. I think you have done quite a good job in depicting this situation in the dialogue, for any ordinary progress of conversation seems to be lacking. Yet there still is a connection - this is the depth of the situation.

Now, I do not think this should be a rap and dance section for similar reasons. Especially to perform a coordinated dance with another presupposes sharing a world with him/her, to coordinate movements. If one is fully immerged in dancing with another, in a sense your movements become so co-ordinated that it is not so much action-reaction but an acting together. If the worlds these people live in have such radically different meanings to them, this will be all the more difficult. Just like coordinating in speech is barely achieved in the dialogue you posted, I would find it extremely remarkable if such can be achieved in dance, thus it would go against the theme that I find interesting in your play.

Then rap… I think this would only serve the play if done in a very a-rythmical way or something. I mean, rap hinges on the flow of words. It is manifest that ordinary communication is exactly what is lost between these two people. There is a struggle to communicate (yet there is a connection!). While a rap with good flow is exactly not such. Thus I think both rap and dance are at odds with the theme I find compelling in your set up.

1 Like

Thanks flybottle

I think you have it - it is meant to be the intimate between two SZ’s

she later meets and loves a guy who is not sz although she becomes unwell again and he (Anthony) does talk to her in a further word salad section, where he is supportive to her even in her craziness - the difference there is he is not mad but he’s accepting of her madness and supports and makes sense of it in a caring way

i’ve not quoted that bit but i think if this bit - 2 schizo’s sharing the delusion they are married - if i’ve pulled it off as similar to word salad - that is what i have to bring to the director

perhaps they could be differently occupied she could be standing, swaying side to side maybe and he could be siting and doing something else to show that the connection is there even if they are not looking at each other or even next to each other as this conversation goes on

Moved to Creativity.

(Wearing moderator hat)