HI
I am totally stuck, i’ve written a play with some input from the actors i’m working with
If i was a major voice hearer or big into music i’d not have a problem i don’t think…
If you are adept with the kind of talking through the microphone or rap generally can you spin me some lines?
it’s a scene between 2 people who think they’re married, it’s a play about mental health and I’m just not feeling this section…
What’s the scene?
I might be able to help.
Unfortunately I actually am rather good at creating rhymes, often at the most inappropriate times.
The swaying of the trees tells me everything I need to know, feeds the person I am more completely…
The way they sway… don’t attack me for saying it!
One ulterior motive from you and I’m tested right through,
Whereas the proof of nature is in my hands.
These hands.
Wretched always powerful always…
All these people! I’m in intimate communion with the crowd…
Their fears devoted to the looks of grey, or water… stabbing me like a straw in a milkshake… Peeling apples like my mum did, with care, makes me good.
Or come you to hell! HA,Ha,Ha!
(LEIA looks round as JOHNNY, 60’s, ENTERS. He has very dirty bare feet, vagrant clothing, and an aggressive manner. As he walks in, LEIA notices him, immediately curious. JOHNNY points at her with both arms and hands at a twisted angle, threateningly.)
LEIA: Oh my god! He points at me!
(LEIA watches him. JOHNNY points at the audience, then back at LEIA.)
LEIA: I’ve always wanted a pointer, someone who points, the pointing one. He can be the pointing one! My Husband!
(LEIA smiles at him. It is love at first sight. They walk towards each other and stand facing each other. JOHNNY is fascinated and just as immediately in love. He keeps pointing aggressively, but fascinated.)
I can’t believe I found you. This is unreal. I’ll get you some of my Nicotine Patches so that you can stop smoking. You have to take care of yourself. I need you. I love you too much to lose you. Here, I think I’ve got one.
(LEIA searches her pockets, finds one. JOHNNY shrugs off the offer. JOHNNY sticks out his tongue. LEIA and JOHNNY are transfixed with each other. They go DOWNSTAGE and sit. He is still pointing at her.)
We have to get out of here. We have to go somewhere. Where will we live?
JOHNNY: My flat.
(JOHNNY looks at their hands.)
We don’t have rings.
LEIA: Strange that we don’t. Did we really only just meet?
JOHNNY: I came in and I saw you. Perfect.
LEIA: It is, yes. I depend on you.
JOHNNY: I know. The people here have been lying to you.
LEIA: Have they? I thought so. I thought something was wrong there.
JOHNNY: We have the rest of our lives together.
(He gets up, distracted and goes to lie on bench.)
(Lighting change. It is night. LEIA stays awake, dancing and wandering around the room.)
LEIA: Not Dead?
(Sings, Kate Bush, Running up that Hill.)
Running up that road,
Running up that hill,
With no problem.
(Hums and sings, Dido, Thank-you.)
Tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why I,
Got out of bed at all.
Morning rain clouds up my window,
And I can’t see at all.
CONT…
LEIA: An’ even if I could it would all be grey,
Got your picture on my wall.
It reminds me that it’s not so bad, not so bad.
(Proclaims loudly, to room.)
Does everyone know exactly what’s going on here? Let’s all just eat out of spaghetti-cups.
How close to the ground are u now? Under you. Kicking feet and folded up jackets. Collectively lyrical.
Do you need someone to look after you?
Idiot!
(CLOUD-DOG ENTERS; male, 20’s he wears a parka, loosely over his shoulders instead of big ears. He is usually unreasonable happy, but calm here. LEIA and CLOUD-DOG Stare at each other.)
I’ve never seen you before. I felt you all the time. How come I can see you now?
(CLOUD-DOG stays at one side of the stage, just in view. LEIA goes to meds window, which lowers. Takes meds, spits them out, she goes to bed. Meds window raises half way. LEIA does Yoga sun salutations. JOHNNY sleeps.)
Johnny… You’re with me all the time…. All through the night…sixty-three…I keep vigil… I keep watch… sixty- four…I’ll meet you in the smoking area… One hundred and ten….
(CLOUD-DOG holds the meds window in front of LEIA. LEIA takes meds but spits them out. Lights down.)
Scene 2
(A few hours later. Lights up. JOHNNY gets up and goes to LEIA.)
JOHNNY: I can’t believe you’re in my life. I feel like I’ve known you forever.
LEIA: I wonder what it will be like with you there.
(JOHNNY tries to kiss her neck.)
LEIA: Let me think!
(Pushing him away.)
I’ll just stay in the flat. And you’ll work. I’ll make food. We’ll live in the bedroom.
(They sit. JOHNNY takes out a rollie, ‘lights’ it and passes it to LEIA. She mimes taking a drag and passes it back to JOHNNY. They sit huddled together.)
LEIA: You know we’ll have to get you cleaned up or they’ll never let you out of here. Your nails are so dirty!
(LEIA picks dirt from under JOHNNY’S fingernails and he ‘puts out the roll-up’ under his big toe.)
LEIA: You’re my first husband.
JOHNNY: You’re perfect.
LEIA: We are! You should shower. Wash your face? I’m Serious. They’ll think you’re crazy, not well enough to leave.
(JOHNNY grins and STARES around the room.)
Someone’s laughing that I fancy you. “Fancy?” They haven’t got a clue. You have to prove to them that you’re not crazy.
(Stands)
Who Jim wanted.
JOHNNY: Yea you can say that again. No rolled up jacket.
LEIA: Where are you? I’m listening.
JOHNNY: Packing up.
LEIA: Going somewhere so soon?
JOHNNY: They haven’t got any. Thank god for that.
LEIA: Can you make it for usey fadom?
JOHNNY: What’s that?
LEIA: You know what the problem is?
JOHNNY: It’s heavenly!
LEIA: Just waiting for it.
JOHNNY: Are you moving?
(Leans towards LEIA)
Do you think there will be a problem with the wishes?
(LEIA holds out clasped hands towards JOHNNY.)
LEIA: Talk into the microphone!
JOHNNY: There’s no end to it. Jeverby told them. All I did was ask!
LEIA: Is there a way round that?
JOHNNY: Take a cigar when you go. Any hints with that? How to light it…? Or smoke it…?
LEIA: Up your trousers round the back way. Grinning saying you’re a lovely man.
JOHNNY: From the target, you’ve got brain rot. Just a hero but terrible.
LEIA: Slight misery, always worth it though.
JOHNNY: Talisman likely. Funny colour. Is it an Impression? No it’s spring.
(JOHNNY sits on the side of the bed, STARTS to undress. LIEA goes to him, stands opposite JOHNNY. JOHNNY tries to unbutton her trousers, but NURSE ENTERS and physically stops him.)
NURSE: (To `JOHNNY) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Listen mate, we have to keep you both safe. We’re taking you to the other ward. It’s not good for you here.
(NURSE leads JOHNNY away, he doesn’t protest.)
LEIA: Where are you taking him? He’s my husband! My first husband anyway. And there’s my second husband.
(Pointing at the audience in various directions)
And my third…
And my fourth…
And who are you?
(To JOHNNY.)
Are you leaving? Are you leaving me? I’ll have to reset all my Processes and Procedures. Will you give me some time to do that?
I think if I stand on my head, a lot more often…
(LEIA does a headstand.)
I might be more worthwhile.
CONT…
(LEIA stands.)
LEIA: I’m going in the garden.
Please edit to any available inspiration… 
Bits of this I know are rubbish…
Don’t worry, I’m embarrassed, there are better sections!
the below is the section I need help with
I’m just not that inventive with schizo language
Who Jim wanted.
JOHNNY: Yea you can say that again. No rolled up jacket.
LEIA: Where are you? I’m listening.
JOHNNY: Packing up.
LEIA: Going somewhere so soon?
JOHNNY: They haven’t got any. Thank god for that.
LEIA: Can you make it for usey fadom?
JOHNNY: What’s that?
LEIA: You know what the problem is?JOHNNY: It’s heavenly!
LEIA: Just waiting for it.
JOHNNY: Are you moving? (Leans towards LEIA)Do you think there will be a problem with the wishes?
(LEIA holds out clasped hands towards JOHNNY.)
LEIA: Talk into the microphone!
JOHNNY: There’s no end to it. Jeverby told them. All I did was ask!
LEIA: Is there a way round that?
JOHNNY: Take a cigar when you go. Any hints with that? How to light it…? Or smoke it…?
LEIA: Up your trousers round the back way. Grinning saying you’re a lovely man.
JOHNNY: From the target, you’ve got brain rot. Just a hero but terrible.
LEIA: Slight misery, always worth it though.
JOHNNY: Talisman likely. Funny colour. Is it an Impression? No it’s spring.
[/quote]
is this a song,rap or play…
It’s a play
my director suggested rap and dance over standing and blank affect…
it’s part of a full length play
the story is a fantasy comedy drama love story where a schizo woman finds that she can travel to other worlds… this scene is the ‘marriage’ or “folie a deux” between Leia and another patient who is psychotic and also a vagrant type 30 years too old for her and inappropriate however they both think they are married
I’m just not that in touch with the schizo…
niece one…liked it… 
or do you think just a brush up on what’s there? It’s already pretty ‘pink floyd’ and the thing is i’m not sure she’s always right as well, getting me to re write a section which is basically ‘talking through the microphone’ the whole thing would change if it were a rap it would be a bit like they’re having fun not a spiritual connection!
I know that both occurs in hospital and that rap would also work on stage but it would change the tone completely rather than just a bit
Hi, (i replied to myself so i don’t know if you got it! )
Hi , (i replied to myself so i don’t know if you got it)
Hi (I replied to myself so i don’t know if you got it)
@CloudDog wait i am trying to figure it out… 
thx !!! LOL!!! Hahahahahaha
cloud what do u want me to do…cuz it is very big 
hard 4 me to read…
but found it perfect…??
and may i know…
who are JOHNNY AND LEIA… 
Who Jim wanted.
JOHNNY: Yea you can say that again. No rolled up jacket.
LEIA: Where are you? I’m listening.
JOHNNY: Packing up.
LEIA: Going somewhere so soon?
JOHNNY: They haven’t got any. Thank god for that.
LEIA: Can you make it for usey fadom?
JOHNNY: What’s that?
LEIA: You know what the problem is?JOHNNY: It’s heavenly!
LEIA: Just waiting for it.
JOHNNY: Are you moving? (Leans towards LEIA)Do you think there will be a problem with the wishes?
(LEIA holds out clasped hands towards JOHNNY.)
LEIA: Talk into the microphone!
JOHNNY: There’s no end to it. Jeverby told them. All I did was ask!
LEIA: Is there a way round that?
JOHNNY: Take a cigar when you go. Any hints with that? How to light it…? Or smoke it…?
LEIA: Up your trousers round the back way. Grinning saying you’re a lovely man.
JOHNNY: From the target, you’ve got brain rot. Just a hero but terrible.
LEIA: Slight misery, always worth it though.
JOHNNY: Talisman likely. Funny colour. Is it an Impression? No it’s spring.
[/quote]
THAT BIT
is the only section I’m worried about - the whole thing is a long play - and Johnny is not the love story, he’s a distraction in hospital while Leia is unwell
If you found it perfect that is great news - i don’t need more help than that
I find it very difficult to write about schizophrenia even though i am schizophrenic…
If you like it - that is all the feedback i need
i might even post a separate post 00000 do you like this bit of my play:
I think the director - in wanting to be helpful - might be wanting me to change huge chunks of it
I don’t know if a rap would be the best alternative for the above scene…
That is the advice i need - sorry it’s so long.
JOHNNY is a guy who’s about 60, very aggressive dirty and dressed as a vagrant
LEIA is a woman about 30 who is in hospital and in the next scene to this one she journeys to other worlds
and then falls in love with a doctor who type character
they move between worlds via a spiritual sushi bar with each plate representing a different world and save some creatures called GOOGLIES
happy ending… 
What the ■■■■ is going on here?