There’s two of them. One of them isn’t really new I just finally recognized him finally as one that is different from the others I talk to. The other one is new. One evil one good. I don’t know their names yet.
Evil guy has taken many different forms in my dreams so I’m not really sure what he looks like since I guess he hasn’t taken a stable form. So for my sake I picture him looking like a generic villain. Wild black curls and beard, one dark eye and one red bloodshot eye with a large scar through it. He’s insane, a sadist and even possibly a masochist. He constantly tries to push me to be as violent and destructive as possible in my nightmares and then laughs and is excited when I end up breaking and doing so…
I almost want to call him Plague and Lou brothers as they are very similar yet also different. All three of them are evil but in different ways…Lou likes to stay out of things and is nonconfrontational. He only cares for himself and ensures he gets what he wants. Plague is very confrontational and wants power over me, to control me/consume me. He is uncomfortably soft spoken though and talking with him makes me feel filthy. The third guy definitely much prefers violence more than the other two. In moral scale Plague would be I suppose lawful evil, Lou would be neutral evil and the third guy chaotic evil? So it’s like variations on the same person almost. All three of them are incredibly manipulative and scheming and clever. I think Lou wants to befriend me/get to trust him so he can more easily bend me to his will, Plague wants to eat me/completely brainwash or subjugate me as control method and the third guy likes to piss me off incredibly bad and sort of just make me go crazy. I don’t even think he wants to control me so much as he wants me to go insane and cause as much damage and harm as possible. He just wants to watch the world burn…
The other new voice came to me as I was sitting on the bus, suddenly I saw a young man with white hair/red eyes in a beanie dressed casually standing on the bus, not like a hallucination but a very powerful daydream almost? It was over in a flash and then he was there. He doesn’t talk at all or at least he hasn’t yet…he is very unique because he is very gentle and kind but also very powerful…the only guys in my head that are strong are also very evil so he is the first powerful good one. All his powers are peaceful too, he never uses violence…I am very glad to meet him and liked him almost instantly. He spent a whole day with me and I’ve felt him since just smiling. I am very happy to have him.
Also to wrap up before I typed this I was trying to sleep and saw what looked like a giant evil bunny sitting on my desk behind my rats cage, I kid you not. Its eyes were glowing and its ears stood up and it was staring at me. At one point I shifted in bed and looked away and when I looked back it was gone. I didn’t know whether to be unsettled or amused so I was a bit of both. Maybe I’ll draw it tomorrow.
The evil guy has been trying to push a name on me, something starting with “Elo” and then “Elohim” came through and I felt that was a bizarre name so I looked it up and it means God!! What the HELL! I am NOT giving him that name. Screw that. Very unnerved by that.
Other suggestions have been Elokai and Elohai. Looked up those meanings. Elokai is apparently the first part of a name of a prayer that translates to something like “my pure soul” or “my true soul” both of which are horrifying for this thing to be claiming (he is NOT my true self-screw that) and the other one freaking means God or Lord again. This is all Hebrew and I don’t even know Hebrew and he’s spewing Hebrew names at me what the flip.
I remember that my voice told me to call him stronger. He always talks about murdering me and hate. It must be nice to have good hallucinations. Almost all mine are bad.
I’m at 24 now, for the ones I talk to. The number keeps getting bigger and bigger…that’s not good…
Of course some of them I hardly ever talk to or haven’t spoken to in ages. Some are more active in my dreams but don’t really talk much when I’m awake. I only regularly talk with Gloria, Thomas, Azriel, Gunn, Lou and Norda. Plague always tries to talk with me but I ignore him now. Meanwhile I always try to talk to Father but he hardly ever answers…
So thankfully it’s not like I’ve got 24 voices all going off in my head at the same time all the time, that would be terrible.
Wel like I said not all of them talk all the time. And most of them aren’t nasty.
When I was on antipsychotics all of them stopped talking though and my head felt very empty and lonely. Life got a lot more boring because a lot of times those ones I mentioned keep me company during the day.
That’s very interesting that you miss your voices. These scientists that talk to my brain use to make their presence more known and I miss it. The hopes of my seeing the ‘real’ reality slip away because they are slipping away. On the other hand, they have terrorized me and I don’t miss that at all, obviously. I prefer taking meds because I don’t want to be terrorized and I also don’t want to become psychotic. Even though I firmly believe my psychotic episodes were actually these bastards controlling my brain, they WANT me to take meds and go to therapy. They want me to be a good MI patient. So I am. It would be much harder if they were telling me not to take meds, which they did in the beginning. I feel bad for people who’s delusions and voices tell them not to take meds or go to therapy. My voice (only one at a time, but many people) tells me to definitely take my meds and go to therapy. (and go to College and try to improve my life in ‘this’ reality etc.) They try to get me to do the right thing, oddly. I’m lucky.