Never fit in

I feel like I never fit in. Anywhere. I’m a contrarian or a rebel by nature and if there is an established way to go about things i will go against it for no reason other thsn to rebel. I feel like it’s too late to change who I am at this point. Maybe I’m just life manifesting this way to balance the equation out, or maybe I’m just an ■■■■■■■. I just don’t fit in anywhere. And my friendships aren’t as intimate as I’d hoped they would be because of my illness and my inability to stay in reality. I just feel alone.

This forum has given me the chance to open up to people for the first time in a long time so i’m grateful for tjat, but I feel like I don’t fit in here either. Everyone seems so happy and content with the little trivialities of life and very few people seem to ask themselves the big questions. I wish I could be simple and be normal and talk about things like the weather and food and pets, but that stuff holds no interest for me. And because of that, I don’t fit in here or anywhere else. I feel like most people are playing social games and, to me, it just isn’t worth the fudging effort. I can’t be bothered to play along, and again, because of that I don’t fit in.

I don’t think i’m ever going to fit in. It’s funny to me how all most disabled people want is a normal life. I want it too, but I can’t have it. I’m just not built for society. I’m not witty, i’m not clever, and I’m not cunning. Maybe if I wasn’t experiencing cognitive decline things would be different and I would associate more with my intellect, but I have very little to offer mentally at this point. Little to offer the world and little to offer other people.

Anyway, thanks for reading this and stepping into my mind for a bit. I try to respond to threads when people say something interesting, so if you found this interesting feel free to say something. Maybe someone can relate to not relating to banal conversations that talk about nothing of significance. I guess I just feel like an outsider everywhere. Someone else probably does too.

9 Likes

I have only ever fitted in once.

That was when I took illegal drugs as a teenager

It attracted all the wrong types of people

All I can say is that being alone is a better result than that

4 Likes

I had my mind blown by the profundity I found in books and I decided I liked light conversation. I guess I’m simple minded or easily impressed.

4 Likes

I don’t fit in since getting sick. As a child I always made friends easily.

4 Likes

I used to think like that…in the sense that there were social games and everything was fake.

But I changed my mind because it is natural, at least for some people to respond differently depending on which setting you are in and who you are socialicing with. It’s not really a game. It’s just life. Sure there are some people that actually put on acts, but most people just respond naturally to the environment they are in at a given time.

Personally I will act at least to a degree differently depending on who I am socialising with. I don’t feel the need to have a cemented self.

2 Likes

People will find a place for you if you’re useful enough.

3 Likes

How comforting. I’m glad I can be used by people to fit in with their paradigm of reality.

2 Likes

It’s nice to have professional respect.

And money for fun toys.

3 Likes

We value different things. This is why I don’t fit in. I’m not changing and the world isn’t changing. I wouldn’t ask either of us to be any different. It just sucks that not too many people value what I value. I personally don’t give a ■■■■ about money or respect. I would like to have it but it isn’t going to happen. I’m mentally crippled compared to where I used to be. So a job that commands respect isn’t going to happen. That’s okay I suppose. I’ll make the best of what I’ve got, but that means that money and respect don’t matter to me. It’s just very hard to find people that think like that.

But good on you for getting those things. you’re a success story. it’s a shame those are so rare

2 Likes

I’d like to get paid to use a camera all day, but that isn’t happening because others don’t value what I value, either. Just gotta keep rollin’.

3 Likes

I just feel like I can’t keep up with society because of where I’m at mentally. Maybe when I’m totally out of psychosis I will be better but right now I still can’t focus and forget ■■■■ all the time. It takes me 3 seconds to respond to a question when asked. I don’t know how to stop getting worse either. It got slightly better when I got off clozapine but it still isn’t good. I have an illness. I didn’t accept that until recently but it is the truth. Some of us get it worse than others and I got it pretty bad. I blamed the clozapine for my memory issues but the truth is I’m losing brain tissue and I’ve already lost a significant amount judging by my symptoms. I didn’t use to be like this and I don’t know how to reverse it.

3 Likes

I kept thinking, now I’ve lost the ability to read, over and over most of my life and always found myself able after a time.

1 Like

You’re a diamond in the rough. I like that you are very honest with yourself. Our brains screwed us over but we are not finished yet. There is much more to be had. It is not over.

If that makes sense.

:innocent:

2 Likes

@crazydiamond444
You are okay who you are.
I think I am just going to observe and see how society changes as I stay constant.

2 Likes

Thank you. That means a lot :slight_smile:

1 Like

I appreciate hearing that. And yeah, test reality out. That’s one of the most effective ways to find out the truth (in my experience).

1 Like

Like @Joker said I felt like I fit in with friends that I trusted, but they were only try to drag me down into their drug hell. Now I have SZ and they don’t. How fair is that? I have a few people who try to befriend me but I don’t trust much anymore and I see that friends can be self serving bad influences in many ways. Thank goodness for music and my own sense of humor. I think that I am the funniest person I know actually. I can make myself laugh…and cry. I hope that you feel better and not so alone @crazydiamond444.

2 Likes

I feel outsider as well, especially being transgendered and sz, makes me feel I belong nowhere.

1 Like

I don’t fit in. Never have. I have a few friends who are all mentally I’ll but even among them I don’t fit in. I truly believe my husband’s friends haven’t invited him out in so long because of me. I told my husband he should just go out with friends without me but he’s feeling too rejected right now. I mean he’s being ignored by friends he’s had for over 30 years. It has to be me that’s the problem and I’m really sad about it

2 Likes

I just try to be the best me that I can. Everyone else can either take it or leave it.

[ bites @crazydiamond444’s ankle ]

[ drags Keurig under couch to hide with because caffeine ]

:yawning_face:

2 Likes