Thanks @anon90843118, @Jake !
Good night
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I dont want to work either but I feel like a bum
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Good luck! Don’t make it hard on yourself. Just come up with something short and sweet to start off with
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Thanks Pianogal !
Last night I read and I made some music!
I also ran 15 minutes!
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Good job! 151515
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Hi,
Goal achieved today : 20 minutes of walking, 1,5 hour of musical creation, one hour of reading !
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Goal achieved… running for 15 minutes, and more than an hour of reading. Tonight, i’ll play piano…
I really want to “translate” my thoughts for you here, because I’m thinking a lot about this.
I talked to my psychiatrist/psychotherapist about this subject… Well, he doesn’t speak enough but he helped me a little.
**
The following paragraphs are just thoughts experienced.
They’re not necessarily fair or realistic. It’s just what I wrote tonight.
So the thing is, I was implicated in my own identity of “Follement”.
As if I were someone who was so hateful that they wanted to end him. Someone good to throw in the trash.
I was wondering at that time “why”, and maybe after that, I internalized it as something “normal”.
In fact, I think I have always wondered why I was subjected to this violence.
I did not understand that the adults did not see it and did not react …
They were surely cowards and did not want to get involved.
I could have been one of those adults now … 
I can’t forgive them for their shitty behavior towards me ( persecutors and adults) . They made a mistake and I suffered.
I blame my parents for sending me there.
I did not like summer camps, even if it was I who chose this one …
It was a trap, I tell myself.
I am responsible for my own trap … I made a mistake because I wanted to be with people older than me. I made a mistake because I “teased” them jokingly, which triggered their wrath. So in a way in my psyche I am responsible …
There was this trigger to pretend to flirt with a guy … A kind of bad joke.
In the end, he was fed up … No doubt they hated my attitude with these provocative jokes … (by the way, my sexual identity is not clear.).
Well, there are plenty of possible reasons for this violence, but nothing justifies it. If need be, they could have “forgotten” me a little. I wouldn’t be dead …
But these were physical assaults on me.
Like a symbolic murder.
I also suffered violence in middle and high school but less.
I was a fragile boy. When this other guy hit me in school, my mother was there at the exit and tried to defend me.
At this moment, I felt very weak and very ashamed …
These young people laughed and laughed at me …
I was fragile and I still think today that I am still somehow hateful and fragile. (This also explains my behavior on this forum.).
I often tell myself that someone may easily harm me, while I am rather “beefy” physically. Well, that must explain the fact that I always question myself …
In short, it is especially all their behavior that must be questioned. The “especially” is inappropriate in my sentence. Their behavior is guilty.
Thanks for reading me.
(here “collège” means “middle school”.)
I was bullied in elementary school. I’m sorry you went through this. It helps to let the past go and focus on the here and now and look toward the future. Just because it was that way before doesn’t mean it has to be that way now or in the future.
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Hey, you’re right.
I needed to talk about this. But you’re right, I probably should look toward the future…
Thank @LilyoftheValley
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