Need advice and encouragement

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Tomorrow will be my first Tai chi class. I’m going without my husband. It’s been 9 years since I was doing things on my own until a month ago.

The men put cameras up in and around my old dojo to watch me do Kung fu and weapons. They were judging me. I got super dizzy, left the dojo, and never went back.

I’m very worried they’ll watch me again if I go tomorrow. I feel like they still follow me. I just want to be left alone to be imperfect me. But they went into my work 9 years ago when I was working, talked to my husband’s friends several years ago (one of whom started calling me on my phone to get info out of me - and he was male), and watched me in the dojo.

How do I get out and do this successfully? I really want to live life again. I’m on Saphris now - started it almost 2 months ago. Yes I always take it and no I didn’t miss a dose.

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I would take a benzo and keep repeating the mantra ‘it’s not real’ + some deep breathing.

I hope you can find your own strategy that works.

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I think that the atmosphere that pervades the tai chi environment is a good place to start out. I think your experience with martial arts will make you a strong student, and the focus on inner peace and calm isn’t very inviting to to the gawker types. At least not in my experience.

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I disagree. I wouldn’t take a drug to relax. Apply calming techniques before you go. Stand in the very back, and a little apart from everyone else. Don’t look at everyone, just focus on the teacher. When you are done with the class, de stress in a quiet place. Bring a bottle of cold water and sip on that until you are no longer anxious. It will be hard at first, but get easier with time.

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Don’t worry, you’re safe.

The only people who have to worry about being spied on are people who do shady things, or people who were prior CIA officers.

Just focus on the class and have fun. Tai Chi is an excellent art to learn. It will really help you out.

And everyone is going to suck at it on the first day. :slight_smile:

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Where I go to community mental health, benzos are not allowed for anyone no matter what.

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Ok. Good ideas @anon55031185 . I’ll try all of that. Thanks.

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I’m trying to tell myself this but part of my issue is thinking they’re trying to figure out if I’m a spy for another country. But I’m not a spy and I know I’m not a spy so I’m trying to tell myself eventually they’ll figure that out and leave me alone.

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Don’t entertain those thoughts. Empty your mind of stressful thoughts and emotions. Fill your head with calm and joyful things that make you at peace. Tai chi is about focus, calm and strength. Dip into those feelings. Mentally push away the negative thoughts, then you can focus on healing and peace. It works. It takes practice.

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Like meditation. Yeah. I’ll try really hard to be meditative during tai chi. You’re right. It’s good to focus your mind like that. I’ll try.

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I have to say, I’m so proud of the progress you’ve made despite your fears. You’re a damn warrior.

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I’m pretty sure the US government knows you’re not a spy.

They can just look up your call records or internet history to know that.

Just as long as you haven’t googled “does being a double agent pay a good salary?” lately, I think you’re perfectly safe. :crazy_face:

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Thanks so much @anon4362788

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Thanks @Montezuma for making me laugh

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Awesome! :slight_smile: It’s good to laugh.

And I hope I didn’t make you paranoid. Our government is very powerful but they can’t just investigate anyone for no reason.

They have to legally have “due process” according to the law.

Like if you went on Facebook and made a crazy public post that you wanted to hurt someone or a cause chaos in a school or other public place.

Or if you join a militia and tell your neighbor who is a cop that you’re stockpiling weapons for Armageddon.

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I tell myself that stuff but telling myself that doesn’t help for some reason. I think it’s because I’m convinced they’re already doing it. Ok. I’m off to bed. Thanks for your help.

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