My past is haunting me

DX'd - Other
1

Years ago, I was kicked out of my residence- who told me to “never return” and put my account on hold, mainly because I was schizophrenic. I didn’t do any harm to the residence staff, the students, nor to anyone in residence as a whole…all I did was call for help when I needed to. Eventually, I ended up going to the hospital so many times- and they decided to pay for my ambulance bills. I wanted to pay for it, but they just decided to do that. Eventually, I was forbidden from returning.

So I’ve been haunted by this past, over and over again. It keeps appearing in my dreams. The voices are talking about it all the time. They are telling me that it’s my fault that I have this illness, and if I didn’t have the illness, they would have allowed me to stay for the next year. They are saying that I am worthless, useless, and forever shameful because of what I have done. They are telling me that I should die because I’m just a horrible person and doesn’t deserve to live.

Maybe it’s my destiny to be punished. Maybe my life isn’t supposed to go on.
I don’t know if I can ever lift my head up because it’s my fault.
Ugh. I will forever hate myself for everything I’ve done and to you.
Maybe I’ll let the voices to punch me and punish me really hard so that I’ll get paid for what I’ve done in the residence. Why am I such a shame to everything and everyone…I’m really sorry to you all, and everything, I’m just really sorry

1 Like
2

It’s not your fault you’re sick, your brain was born that way.
Don’t punish yourself for past mistakes, it won’t undo them

1 Like
3

I don’t know, I don’t feel well and I just want to pour out my thoughts and get rid of them…I just don’t know what to do anymore

4

There isn’t much to do except give yourself a break.

I know the feeling, though. I too get flashes of memories from the past where I feel guilty for having done things.

But like I said, feeling guiæty and punishing yourself won’t undo the past. You gotta try to look forward.

1 Like
5

I’m trying my best, thank you for your help…the fact is, I did not harm the residence but when they found out about my schizophrenia, they banned me right away
maybe I’m shameful because of the illlness itself
maybe they were tired too, just like everyone I met in real life
because i’m just as simple as that, a shame
i’m sorry, there are so many things going on right now, it’s hard to think, i’m sorry

6

Hi @anon10648258 I have been through the same. One thing that helped me out of so many things that i have tried to relieve from the remorse not worth having for long time is keep writing a journal about the feelings. What it does is it gives way to give our thoughts and feelings an alternate way of thinking and feeling about the same event. So try that if you are ok with that approach. Peace!!!

2 Likes
7

This topic was automatically closed 90 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.