I got a phone call while at work from my Pdoc, who had in turn gotten a call from my moms therapist, who works in the same office. I was asked to come in ASAP, so I did, I just got back to my office actually.
My mom finally revealed to her Therapist why she resents me so much…her therapist convinced her to talk to my Pdoc, who convinced her to talk it over, all four of us.
Now when two people, who have very busy schedules dealing with mental health patients, cancel their appointments for three hours, to talk to ONE mother and her son? You know something isn’t right…So I was nervous as all get out
I walk into the office and my mom wont even look at me, my Pdoc has an expression I have never seen on her face before, and my mom’s therapist, well she looks very sad.
It took my mom 45 minutes to say it.
The sex that resulted in my conception, was not consensual, and my Bio dad, is not really my bio dad, just my moms boyfriend from that time. My sperm donor, was a close friend of my ‘second’ father, who drugged my mom while my bio dad was visiting family, raped her, and left. He is currently serving a 60 year sentence in regards to two other rapes in that apartment complex. 20 years for each rape, (because he used a drug that is banned by the FDA to knock them out).
It took a further 30 minutes of talking to get my mom to look me in the eye and apologize, for not only being so rotten to me lately, but for blaming me for what happened, even though it wasn’t my fault.
we took the typical, almost comically cliché route and hugged and talked about how we felt about the various problems we had.
The reason my mom started getting to cruel after my diagnosis is because my sperm donor was diagnosed with it before he was sentenced, and tried to use it as an excuse to get a reduced sentence. That is what started the distrust and the mild hatred and fear.
What clinched it was that my sperm donor was only one vote away from an early release. Thankfully he was denied. But the fact he almost got out triggered a severe Bi Polar episode with my mother, she was both horribly depressed, and incredibly Manic at the same time.
While this revelation is painful, to a large degree, I feel that now that it is out in the open, we can work through it. My mom has already asked me to come over next weekend, so we can celebrate my birthday, like we haven’t since my diagnosis.
I posted this here, because the question I have is, Should I forgive the man who caused all this? is it worth it to hold onto the rage that filled me when I found out?
I’m handling this a sh!t ton better than I would have even four months ago, I thank the meds, but I feel like hitting something…like breaking things, and not plates and boards. I have told my boss, he is like a big brother to me, and his oldest son is from his wife’s first marriage, which was abusive and filled with what he describes as spousal rape, I knew this already and felt I could ask him, but he has no idea, because there are certain things I deal with that he doesn’t, like my SZ just to start, and my group doesn’t meet until Tuesday.
I feel I am on my way to being a better son to my mother, and to having a much better relationship with my mom in general, my Pdoc has written us in for a paired therapy, with my Mother’s therapist in attendance, for next week, it will be two hours long.
Ths news is painful yes, but at the same time, its not entirely unexpected, since my ‘second’ father, my moms ex boyfriend, was a 6’6" blond bear, and my mom is 5’2" and red haired, and I am 5’7" brown haired. so always figured, before my mom told me about my ‘second’ father, that I was a rape child, but it was a depressive fantasy I had because other kids made fun of me for being a ‘step child’ to my step dad. my mother also tended to make comments about my looks when I was younger that, on second glance, knowing the truth, don’t make sense like when I was 20 and had just graduated college “You’re so much taller than your father.” and the comment she made a few years ago, when I was 23, “At least your skin is lighter than his.” my sperm donor is half Native American and very dark skinned.
After I post this I am going to call my older half sister, since she deserves to know. I think she already did, she is the second oldest of my second father’s children after all, and she was there for his death.
This is going to cause some issues, since I am sure I am going to have to confront this man eventually, if only to settle things with myself, but for now I just want the rage to go away.