My moms, rather disturbing, truth

I got a phone call while at work from my Pdoc, who had in turn gotten a call from my moms therapist, who works in the same office. I was asked to come in ASAP, so I did, I just got back to my office actually.

My mom finally revealed to her Therapist why she resents me so much…her therapist convinced her to talk to my Pdoc, who convinced her to talk it over, all four of us.

Now when two people, who have very busy schedules dealing with mental health patients, cancel their appointments for three hours, to talk to ONE mother and her son? You know something isn’t right…So I was nervous as all get out

I walk into the office and my mom wont even look at me, my Pdoc has an expression I have never seen on her face before, and my mom’s therapist, well she looks very sad.

It took my mom 45 minutes to say it.

The sex that resulted in my conception, was not consensual, and my Bio dad, is not really my bio dad, just my moms boyfriend from that time. My sperm donor, was a close friend of my ‘second’ father, who drugged my mom while my bio dad was visiting family, raped her, and left. He is currently serving a 60 year sentence in regards to two other rapes in that apartment complex. 20 years for each rape, (because he used a drug that is banned by the FDA to knock them out).

It took a further 30 minutes of talking to get my mom to look me in the eye and apologize, for not only being so rotten to me lately, but for blaming me for what happened, even though it wasn’t my fault.

we took the typical, almost comically cliché route and hugged and talked about how we felt about the various problems we had.

The reason my mom started getting to cruel after my diagnosis is because my sperm donor was diagnosed with it before he was sentenced, and tried to use it as an excuse to get a reduced sentence. That is what started the distrust and the mild hatred and fear.

What clinched it was that my sperm donor was only one vote away from an early release. Thankfully he was denied. But the fact he almost got out triggered a severe Bi Polar episode with my mother, she was both horribly depressed, and incredibly Manic at the same time.

While this revelation is painful, to a large degree, I feel that now that it is out in the open, we can work through it. My mom has already asked me to come over next weekend, so we can celebrate my birthday, like we haven’t since my diagnosis.

I posted this here, because the question I have is, Should I forgive the man who caused all this? is it worth it to hold onto the rage that filled me when I found out?

I’m handling this a sh!t ton better than I would have even four months ago, I thank the meds, but I feel like hitting something…like breaking things, and not plates and boards. I have told my boss, he is like a big brother to me, and his oldest son is from his wife’s first marriage, which was abusive and filled with what he describes as spousal rape, I knew this already and felt I could ask him, but he has no idea, because there are certain things I deal with that he doesn’t, like my SZ just to start, and my group doesn’t meet until Tuesday.

I feel I am on my way to being a better son to my mother, and to having a much better relationship with my mom in general, my Pdoc has written us in for a paired therapy, with my Mother’s therapist in attendance, for next week, it will be two hours long.

Ths news is painful yes, but at the same time, its not entirely unexpected, since my ‘second’ father, my moms ex boyfriend, was a 6’6" blond bear, and my mom is 5’2" and red haired, and I am 5’7" brown haired. so always figured, before my mom told me about my ‘second’ father, that I was a rape child, but it was a depressive fantasy I had because other kids made fun of me for being a ‘step child’ to my step dad. my mother also tended to make comments about my looks when I was younger that, on second glance, knowing the truth, don’t make sense like when I was 20 and had just graduated college “You’re so much taller than your father.” and the comment she made a few years ago, when I was 23, “At least your skin is lighter than his.” my sperm donor is half Native American and very dark skinned.

After I post this I am going to call my older half sister, since she deserves to know. I think she already did, she is the second oldest of my second father’s children after all, and she was there for his death.

This is going to cause some issues, since I am sure I am going to have to confront this man eventually, if only to settle things with myself, but for now I just want the rage to go away.

It’s not really up to you, truth be told. Your emotions are what they are. Strong rage at first is a fairly normal reaction in such a case. It’s best to focus on your actions and not doing anything regrettable while you process the anger. It will probably take time, and it takes different amounts of time for different things for different people.

I’m really glad your mother was able to finally be honest and own up to her own emotions. You deserved to know that it wasn’t really your fault.

that’s actually helpful, and really close to what my Pdoc said before I left.

my boss asked me if I wanted to go home early, but I don’t process bad stuff that well if left alone, so I’m going to finish my shift, ive got a dozen or so building permits to apply for, and then call my GF and have her prep the little ones for a day at the park, we’ll bring the dogs, my Roommate is going to come along, great guy, he doesnt know whats going on but he knows I’m not happy, hes packing alunch and loading his jeep with BBQ stuff.

I think if my mom had told me this a year ago, I would have killed my self, but now I have a great support system. I’m not very religious, but I really blessed right now to have the people I do.

Oh man why should you forgive the man that raped your mother? Focus on getting a better relationship with her. As someone who was raped, some things are not forgivable.

So sorry this happened to your mother.

one of the key lessons they tell us at the ‘camp’ they sent me to after my first hospitalization is that ‘forgiveness is the path to happiness’

but you are right, I could not forgive him, not even if I tried.

And I am sorry it happened to you Minnii, I cant stand it when a guy pressures a girl into sex before shes ready, rape is one of my instant triggers, I get very violent with people who admit to it, which sadly happened a lot in high school, because ‘date rape’ was abadge of honor for those dead beats (I went to a ‘reformatory school’ for violent teens). I almost didn’t graduate because I hurt someone pretty bad after he admitted to having sex with an unconscious drunk classmate.

I gues I’m saying I am having a harder time than I thought at the idea of being a child born under these circumstances…I mean I must remind my mom constantly about what happened…

You could write a book with a story like yours. A page turner. I feel for your situation. Forgiveness is hard. I’m glad you have a strong support system and good therapists and pdocs there for you.

I have something that I believed happened to me, that is the opposite of your story… But I think I’ll share, because maybe you can give me insight into how my daughter may feel one day when she learns my truth. I wrote my story as fiction because everyone who loves me said my stories can’t be true.

excerpt from All in Her Head

It was just a fantasy, an implausible fantasy. On a Friday night in
June 2004, my husband, Jack, and I went out to a little Mexican
restaurant in Concord, New Hampshire, for dinner and a few margaritas.
By the time we got home, we were up for having sex, but he
was so eager to finish that he left me wanting more.

Once he’d fallen asleep next to me, I brought myself to climax
on the power of a fantasy. I imagined that a stranger wanted me so
badly that he was trying to trick me into getting pregnant and had
contaminated my sex toy with his sperm. I’d reached for the pink
vibrator and felt it warm and sticky in my mind. The window was
open, and an extension ladder stood against the wall leading up to
our bedroom. I thought I heard a creak from the ladder outside the
window. I had wanted to have a child for a long time, and the idea
of this other man—not my husband—being the father turned me
on immensely. Maybe I was just drunk, or maybe it was because I
was already seeing cracks in my marriage—regardless, I loved the
thought, and I recorded the story in my red notebook.

A few weeks later, when I got up one morning, a queasy moment
made me think the weather change and pressure were making me
dizzy when I got out of bed too fast. It was my day off, and I planned
to prepare a special meal for Jack’s twenty-seventh birthday. I got
up, took a shower, and got dressed, when suddenly flashes of heat
came over me in waves, accompanied by nausea. I sat on the floor in
the master bathroom and removed my offensively hot and restrictive
outfit; I couldn’t stand the feeling of the clothes against my skin. As
I sat there, pressing my face against the cool tile, I realized I must be
pregnant. I did the math and knew my period was late, for the first
time in my life, and pinpointed the night of conception to our date at
the Mexican restaurant.

By noon the nausea lifted enough for me to put back on my clothes
and drive to the nearest grocery store, where I purchased food for
dinner and the weekend, and two at-home pregnancy tests.
When I got back home, I peed on the plastic stick with a paper
wick at the end. The symbols changed. I could barely concentrate to
read the paper instructions, so it took me a while to verify that the
symbols meant I was pregnant.

well, given the diagnosis, I would say that’s unlikely to have actually happened, but in all honesty? weirder things have indeed taken place.

I would suggest not telling your daughter this unless you do a paternity test and it comes up as your husband not being the father.

A note, from what I do know of conception and pregnancy, is that it takes several days for the fertilized egg to attach to the uterine wall, so the accuracy range for pregnancy testing is about 7-10 days, so anytime in that range you could have conceived. that is based on what I learned in college.

It’s not easy at all. My heart goes out to both of you.

So finally managed to get a call in to my half sister through my bio dad (gonna keep calling him that out of habit I think) and she knew, has known since she was 12, because he admitted it after almost dying of an overdose of script meds. The reason she is so nice to me? apparently she is the daughter of the same man, so she really is my half sister. She explained to me in more detail about my sperm donor.

He was a serial rapist in the south Boston area, he raped at least three women, but likely many more. Only two of his rapes are known to have resulted in children. Two of his victims were the girlfriends of my bio dad, My sisters mom, and my mom.

My bio dad felt so bad that he hadn’t realized his friend was the rapist before, that he agreed to take the role of father to both children, though with me, it was hard because my mother had told him that something wasn’t right about his friend. So he married my half sisters mom, who died of a blood clot when she was two, remarried (his third marriage, his first wife died in child birth) and had two more children.

So for years I thought of him as a smubag who bailed on me, but he was actually a really good guy with guilt issues…

In all I feel a LOT better than I did a week ago…which is weird considering how my weekend started…