-Had an hour long dream that was literally just the human spirit raping me
-Woke up & was attacked by the demons, was surprised human spirit wasn’t there but demons said he was “tired out” from recent events (ie that hour long nightmare)
-I ended up masturbating after all of this because a lot of times I end up compulsively masturbating after being attacked. Maybe because they never bring me to orgasm so I’m blue-balled figuratively speaking. (Embarrassing on their part)
-Then I went out to study, brain was very jumbled and I was trying very hard not to think of any of it
-I went home and mom took me to Bro’s choir recital
-We walked in during their practicing and the song we happened to walk in on being practiced was about trusting in God, being patient and not fearing evil kK
-After recital I get home, immediate sensation of being fingered
-Guess human spirit acting up again
-Goes on for an hour or so, then the human spirit tried to rape me in the shower
-I lashed out at him which I think freaked him out a little and he backed off for a bit, neatO
-Demons came at me right as I did this, I was extremely frustrated and felt like I couldn’t fight multiple things at once
-Still I was like f*** off Plague
-I get to my bedroom and want to play DS and Plague or someone starts freaking choking me, feel like my throat is being squeezed and becomes hard to breathe
-I stay calm and basically force them to leave, say I want to play my game
-Played rune factory 3, had fun, literally second I turned it off to charge my ds Plague & demons are on me again
-Literally I hate everything right now why is this happening
-I’m technically stronger than everyone at this point but they’re persistent af, and psychologically I tend to crumble from time to time, trying to keep them under control will be a dangerous game
-Wonder what that human is up to, think he’s trying to come at me again as have been getting genital feelings
-Why is hell full of thirsty hoes
I’m still pushing off the demons and probably the human right now. It’s exhausting and I’m not fully successful. Try pretending like someone isn’t performing oral on you. It’s hard.
What to do what to do. I think I’ve surpassed the point of caring. I’ve just crashed logically. Humor’s keeping me afloat for now. Tomorrow night I will go up doses on my seroquel and see if that helps any. Would’ve done so tonight but I have to be up early tomorrow and don’t want to risk not being able to wake.
Usually people have to take at least 300mg of Seroquel to have a good antipsychotic effect.
I think you may be better on a different antipsychotic such as Olanzapine, the only problem is that it causes high blood glucose levels, high cholesterol and weight gain.
Sorry to hear about your continual problems with bad dreams involving conflict with demons.
Not really. On occasion the thought pops up but typically it’s after the fact and the strong emotions die down that I’m able to be like ok…I have an illness…I have been really slipping lately though and it scares me. Part of the reason why I’m posting it so much on here is so I can be reminded I have an illness. I am anxious about going into another episode even though I haven’t had a major one in 3 years.
These things are just so intense when they happen it is practically impossible to think of them as “not real” as it goes on, even when I do so it feels laughably false to say so.
I should…I hate hate hate talking about these things outwardly but that’s silly because it’s his job to know. I guess it’s because I already know what he’ll do? Probably raise dose on seroquel and/or try to raise my depakote dose which I know won’t do jack because I don’t get mania and am not manic.
I figured I could do it myself and avoid the exhaustion but I shouldn’t play doctor
Was in and out of anxiety attacks last night. Horrible. Feeling unable to breathe, heart thumping, stomach churning to point of nausea. Eventually sleep meds kicked in and I fell asleep without difficulty which is nice.
Last night I got immensely frustrated because at one point I’d cast off the human again and the demons immediately leaped on me to try to basically bring me down again so he could come back and I actually was snapping out loud at them that this wasn’t fair to have so many of them against only one of me. I then snapped at Father to send the demons away so I’d just have one to deal with, though I said preferably I didn’t want to deal with either.
Anyways no one else bothered me the rest of the night though it may have also been the sleep meds.
I woke up early (had a really fun pleasant dream actually) and went out for breakfast just because I don’t feel safe in my house.
Also I realize a lot of this is confusing to read. It’s basically like I exist in two planes at once, the physical and nonphysical. While my body is awake the visual input I get from here completely overrides my ability to properly see the nonphysical. So instead I “hear” and feel it. I say “hear” because things don’t really verbally talk there they communicate w energy/feelings/images so it’s different. I think since it’s a totally different input than my normal hearing that’s why I can still hear them. As for touch, there are different kinds, the human’s touch which is more physical in nature and feels like someone actually touching me, and the demons, who touch nonphysical me. (And sometimes maybe my body confuses it as physical touch? I don’t know)
I can still interact with the nonphysical plane when my body is awake, however interacting to a greater degree than listening and talking requires effort and I have to try to minimize my other senses. (On the opposite side, when physical stimuli and sensory input are very powerful/engaging here it is harder to focus on there and sometimes like when I am engaged in my work I can lose track of it completely) And of course, I am blind and can’t really see it, though I can get a vague idea of where things are located due to feeling energy and I can express intention of what I want to do, which I all that matters given that physical space doesn’t exist on the nonphysical so it’s not like I have to physically move across a room to attack something.
Saying that may have made it more confusing, sorry. I’m trying to illuminate what is going on during these times.
It sounds like your psychosis is consuming you. You should def get to a pdoc for adjustment.
Here’s a good question to ask yourself. If all the entities went away. Would you be happy for it all to be gone, or would you miss it.
It’s good to figure out where you stand on whether you want it all to go away or not since you seem to have a fair bit of insight.
Personally for a bit It felt bizarre when I stopped hearing voices and I was always checking to see if any voice was still there, But then after some time I’m so glad that it’s gone.
Yeah when I was on Risperidone which is actually the only AP that ever worked perfectly for me, it was so weird having my head constantly be quiet. Some of my voices I am quite close to as they have been with me through hard times and are like family to me, so it was lonely without them. But like you said it was very good to be free from the horrible stuff and in reality.
For me it has been easier said than done when it comes to finding a good med. I’ve been on several that kind of helped, or took away certain symptoms but not all. Some that did absolutely nothing except load me w side effects and even make me worse. Wish I could’ve stayed on Risperidone
