Putting it on here to feel less insane so it doesn’t just exist in the vacuum of my head. Today I went to take a nap. I decided to cast the demons out of me. It worked very well and I sent them off but this ended up drawing the attention of Plague, who decided to utilize the same strategy that other stronger demon or the devil or whatever did that one time in just doing flat out seduction. (Usually Plague just tries to smother me with his energy to get me compliant)
Anyways I was fighting the entire time and freaking the hell out. Started kissing me and just sedating me more and more until I got pulled into it, then things unfortunately progressed from there. It was the same case where I’d come up from the sedation in brief moments of panic hyperventilating or crying out only to be sucked back into darkness and physical sensation again. He hardly talked at all during this. Eventually it ended but once again no orgasm so I ended up getting myself off and feeling disgusted with myself for it (for the millionth time).
When that was over I immediately left the house as I usually do after attacks like that. I need to feel in the world and out of my head and that dark place. I kept getting smacked with waves of anxiety that made me want to gag when I thought of what happened. At one point I’d felt his tongue in my ear which he KNOWS I hate and the memory of the sensation had me rubbing at my ear again and again. I went to the grocery and bought some fudge and could tell I was dissociating. My inner helpers took over at one point as I sat in my head screaming and got me out of the grocery store. My brain would just feel like it was breaking sometimes.
Shortly after I got in the shower and saw the glowing lights very strongly.
I don’t want to be in the world today. I am so, so scared of the demons. They attacked me even on vraylar. The devil told me “You can take all the pills you want, it won’t make me go away.” And I think I said that on here but it’s been burned into my brain and I can’t stop thinking it.
I want to be somewhere far away where I can have no responsibilities for a while and just relax. But I can’t because my family needs me. So for a while I just have to suffer.
summary: I stood up to the demons today and got my ass handed to me and it sent me into an insanity spiral for a good chunk of time. I am still in somewhat of a daze now and wish I wasn’t here.
I mentioned it last appointment he said it could be due to other factors like me not getting sleep with the puppy and I agreed then but she’s been sleeping through the night lately and things have been bad. Though I’ve stopped taking vraylar since I’m pretty sure it was making my mood awful and it ended up not doing much for my symptoms anyhow.
It amazes me how anyone who went through that can muster the energy to go to a store afterwards. The experiences have definitely given you lots of strength to handle suffering. I am a little worried for you too since you are coming off the Vrylar so the experiences could get worse for a while just stay strong and reach out to your mental health workers if you ever feel it’s too much
It is immensely helpful and grounding to me to be in (safe and familiar) public spaces. It is routine for me to go out after attacks because my own house and room especially does not feel safe to me. I don’t want to stay somewhere I was just attacked. It just helps me feel a lot better and I can blast music in the car on the way.
Since I’ve had psychosis since forever I’m pretty skilled at compartmentalizing. Though I didn’t get tactile hallucinations until I was in my teens. I talked with my therapist today who was working with me on getting myself back on the right track instead of letting myself fully crash and burn and have to climb up from rock bottom but then today happened as I was trying to do so.
It is hard to lift myself up when I am happy about almost nothing in my life right now aside from having my basic Maslow’s needs met and knowing my family situation could be worse and isn’t. No job didn’t get in school living with my parents regularly harassed and attacked by demons no concentration or focus or energy to do anything ever or keep up with basic life tasks (though that’s recent haven’t dealt w in a while and I’m hoping is vrayalr’s fault) no relationship I’ve been eating crap because I’m depressed and I jump to comfort food when that happens and everything just sucks.
I can understand that. Just know many other people would be so distraught by the whole experience they wouldn’t be able to go out at all or even drive. They would freeze-up and be stuck.
Just take it one day at a time. Your therapist should be able to help to a good amount. Some days will be worse than others. Mental health is a marathon rather than a sprint. I’m sure you’ll do better the next times around
I can understand how those things would bum you out. Many people in the forum are in similar boats including me. Just know you have a high functioning state of awareness your drive will surely get you places. Just because you aren’t where you want to be right now does NOT mean you can’t get there. Just staying alive and trying to reach higher are all achievements remember that. You already have accomplishments and know you can achieve many more
And everyone should get a pass on comfort foods when they are particularly stressed and I definitely feel you on the blasting music in your car
your life would be much easier if you would either raise your meds or even change your meds…you sound very unstable…you don’t have to suffer…your pdoc is there to help you with your suffering.
I actually have said stuff to my voices like “take this!!!” before I take my antipsychotic for the night. It actually helps in my case.
I’m sorry to hear you are suffering. I’ve got an evil voice too and ‘he’ is very scary and always the same. Edges his way into my other visual hallucinations like he’s photobombing them. He’s usually not around. I don’t talk about a lot of my stuff in detail on this forum but a lot of it is similar to what you are dealing with.
I really hope you can find an antipsychotic that you can tolerate up to a good dose and maintain that same med for a month or two. That seems to be the way to ensure the best results.
just stay strong and reach out to your mental health workers if you ever feel it’s too much
and I definitely feel you on the blasting music in your car