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My husband and I are having a big fight, am I being unfair?

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#1

Yesterday, my husband accepted a call from his cousin,

While on the phone with them he hurriedly told me he was planning a trip with them.

Okay.

He comes out on the phone with another friend, explaining the trip he just booked.

A week in a city I don’t like, with some of his family I less than enjoy.

So I told him he needed to get off the phone so we could talk about it.

He did, and told me what they had planned.

I was super pissed.

He planned a whole week without even consulting me or asking what I wanted to do.

When I got upset he told me I was being ungrateful and didn’t have to go.

I got even more upset and he told me I could change any aspect of the trip if I wanted.

So I said I wanted to change the dates, he refused.

Then his friend showed up and we couldn’t fight anymore.

He slept on the couch and we haven’t talked.

Would you be upset?

Or just happy to be going on a trip?

I really feel strongly he should have included me in planning but I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

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#2

He should have included you in the planning. Maybe he just didn’t consider the possibility that you wouldn’t be stoked about this and felt hurt when you rejected the trip he wanted to give you. But you’re not wrong to be upset.

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#3

I agree that he was probably hurt that I wasn’t excited about the trip,

Which accounts for a lot of his behavior.

I just don’t know how to make things right now.

This is the third time we’ve argued about him planning a trip without me.

I was pissed all those times too.

I don’t feel like backing down and he never does.

It sucks.

I’d hate to be fighting all weekend.

Thanks, @Treebeard

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#4

My boyfriend does the same hurtful things over and over again too. Not on purpose, he just eventually forgets. I understand your frustration.

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#5

It seems like a pretty normal thing to argue about to me. Like I can see it from both sides. Its not courteous to plan it without asking you about it. But on his end, he probably just wanted to get it done and meet his mate.

If this is the first time its happened, I would maybe talk to him and just say “in the future lets discuss trips together before committing to them”. You need to point out that its not the trip that’s bothering you, its the fact that they just assumed you wanted to go without asking you.

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#6

There seems to be a pattern then of him not consulting you. I’d be very cross. You not feeling excited about a trip he already knows you don’t like doesn’t justify his reaction. However, being right doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek to be conciliatory. You can always apologise for your handling of the situation (he’ll probably do the same) and then calmly explain what is it that you find so annoying and inappropriate about his behaviour.

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#7

Good advice, @seksoempirico.

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#8

I went and apologized for freaking out.

Told him that I know he felt like I was being ungrateful and rejecting the trip,

But really I just wanted to be involved in planning.

He agreed I should be and I left it at that.

I guess we’re not fighting anymore,

But it’s yet to be seen if he does it again.

This is his third offense.

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#9

Well I hope he learns this time. Sometimes it takes a few times to unlearn bad habits etc. I’m glad you were the responsible one that apologised though. I think you did the right thing.

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#10

I would be happy going to a trip.

Relax. Go soft on your husband.

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#11

This trip is happening, your husband is going or not going based on your feedback. I don’t think its reasonable to make him skip it, because he might not get a chance to see his family, and the time for the date might not work at any other time because of the schedules of the people involved.

Asking for a change of date is unreasonable in my opinion.

Now as for what you want to do when you’re there, well yes, that you should have quite a say in. I think you need to calm down a bit.

Is this an opportunity to change how you feel about these people? Be honest. If you don’t think you want to spend time with them, try to see if you can go and do something else with your husband while you’re there, that you would enjoy without these people. Then partition the time so that your husband gets to enjoy his family and you get to enjoy your husband’s company in a new environment.

#12

No you are not being unfair @goldenrex

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#13

I’m sorry I did not read, that your husband has ignored you when planning trips.

This is actually a deeper problem then I thought.

You’re not your husband’s pet.

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#14

Yeah,

I just want to be included in the planning phase.

I’m not mad about the actual trip anymore,

Only that he didn’t ask me my opinion before booking it.

Anyway,

We squashed it.

He admitted his fault and I did mine.

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#15

Well it works out, but be sure to get a foot rub for the headache.

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#16

Perhaps he did not plan with you because you wouldn’t have agreed to go to the trip?

Recently, my father arranged a trip despite me insisting I didn’t want to go.

I was coming off Klonopin and wasn’t able to sleep more than 2 hours a night. I was dissociating, and stuff. Having strange experiences. I was upset that the trip was being forced upon me by my father to visit his family in another state. I was pleasantly surprised after going to the trip however as it was a change of environment. I was reluctant at that time but I am happy in hindsight that I went to the trip. Sometimes, the brain just needs change…

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#17

ah thats good =D

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#18

It would have been a splendid surprise if it was in Las Vegas, or the Bahamas, or Italy, but since it wasn’t, he’s a gigantic donkeys butt. It’s only fair you got a say in it. You take that week and we can go to Europe with some other friends, together.

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