I say that as a bit of a tongue in cheek statement because I know It’s me who’s done the changing.
But I remember when I got this doc and I thought he was a cold fish, uncaring, distant. When I think back, he looks at the angry young man in front of him and prescribes pills… I don’t take them. He prescribes other pills I take them with whisky and pot. (then complain that they don’t work)
He want’s to talk meds and rehab. I want to talk about kidnappers and how I can save the children. He tries work with me on this and get me to let go of this “delusion” of being tracked. I drag a huge bag of milk cartons in and cover his desk with missing children.
I then begin to think my doc is only “observing” me in mild interest and he’s in it for the money so I calm up and say nothing for a long time. So he prescribes meds and I don’t take them and have drink.
Then I nearly die and get clean and sober. He is more distant and so am I. I begin to see him as a nuisance… “Why do I have to waste my time on this man? He will never listen to me.”
(He probably said that too.)
I signed some paperwork and some release forms and all of a sudden, my parents were in the docs office with me and he was talking to them more. So he prescribed meds and I was forced by my parents to take them.
Then I broke, deflated, flattened and life turned rust brown. Then I took what I was told… I just hit the wall and had no fight left. I just did what I was told to do because there was nothing left in me. I was down and decided not to get up. Sure… bring on the killing pills… maybe I’ll die.
But then my meds got adjusted and I began to get my fight back. Only instead of fighting my meds, my parents and my doc and my therapist, I got shown how to fight this illness.
So I’m still fighting, only I’m fighting the Sz, not the people around me.
My meds got switched up, it was a huge disaster and I told my doc… I really hate this… I want back on Latuda. Please Geodon isn’t working. I hate this med… and the weirdest thing happened… My doc said “Ok, we can switch it back. Just keep track of how your feeling and how much you take OK?”
wait, your listening to me? Since when do you listen to me?
Little by little, the more I try, the harder I work, the more questions I ask, the longer I’m off drugs and don’t drink, the more I don’t miss appointments, go to therapy and work to fight this… the more my doc listens to me. Weird huh?