I quit smoking for 8 days. I was having very little withdrawals the past 2 days. I had a disturbing dream about an ex girlfriend.
20 year ago she asked me a simple question. All I had to do is tell her I loved her. If I would have done so my entire life could have been different. Looking back in retrospect it was the most pivotal point in my life.
I saw her in my dream last night. I laid there for hours hoping she’d come back. She didn’t break up with me I broke up with her. I wanted her back but she didn’t believe that I loved her.
At the time drugs were more important to me. I ended up trying to destroy myself with drugs. All these years later and I’m still living with the consequences.
Been thinking a lot about death lately. Maybe in the next life things will be different. I’ve been smoking for 29 years. I’ve come to the conclusion we all die. In the end we all wish we had more time so what difference does it make it I quit smoking. We all go sooner or later.
I just wish I would have made different choices in life. I hurt a lot of people around me especially those that were the closest.
I’ve always tried to leave the past behind me and learn from my mistakes but the dream I had haunts me. I haven’t thought about me ex in a long time.
I thought I had moved on. I dated a couple of women since. But that dream I had hit me hard. It made me realize what I lost.
I think about the lives I could have led too. If I was friends with my guy friend still I think my life would have been different. I would be more outgoing and my thoughts would have been different also my life would have been different.
You can’t blame yourself, its SZ’s/God’s fault.
You’re not alone, I also lost my gf and all my 25+ friends at 21 y.o. when I was in psychosis.
I nearly killed myself three times and another time I nearly killed my brother during psychosis.
I wanted to be a doctor and I had the grades to get in medicine but SZ destroyed my life. Now I can’t even work. All I have been doing since my diagnosis 9 years ago is eat, poop, shower every 7-9 days and sleep. My parents get my meds and food. I am living like a heavily mentally disabled individual.
I still tell myself that I was close to being catatonic for life in mental hospital. I was freezing and sometimes I don’t think, move or talk for a couple of minutes even when my parents were yelling and hitting me to break my catatonia.
Your mind made that dream up. It is not reality no matter how much you wish it were. You’ve come around full circle now and realize where you got lost. Now you can pick up the pieces and begin again. Good luck, Charlie.
It’d be really sad if I never got married, but my main objective is to make my parents happy and they mostly just want me to have kids. I guess kids would make me happy and I really envy my friends who have kids even if they are severely mentally ill and or single mothers. It’s really hard and I’m going to turn sarcastic soon. But it’s pretty fun complaining about my love life at Women’s Group and visiting the art museums to take photos of local art. Nothing like complaining about your love life or lack thereof to a group of understanding people.