Lost forever lost


I literally can’t feel anything anymore. I can barely write this. Because I can’t think properly. I have no essence anymore you know. I have to find my old self again. I’m somewhere out there or I’m lost inside myself I don’t know. I used to feel comfort longing. Sadness. I’m literally just a shell of a person now. This all sounds so normal to me. There’s no emotion or intensity behind my words anymore. I’m just… not here. This illness is not as it appears to be it’s something masquerading as something else. And I’m too stupid to figure it out. I can’t just eat pills everyday and carry on like there’s nothing wrong with me. Every vestige of my person is leaving me.


Are you on an AD? I’m not a doctor, but that’s how I feel when I start getting depressed. Not sadness, just… Nothing.


Keep on hoping things will get better. You shouldn’t stop taking your meds as dangerous things could happen. Hav you thought about a med change?


Well. I think I know the trigger event. I was pulled up to the bank it was about 1 am and these two people came out of the alleys and went behind a fence to leave they came up to my car and the guy asked if I knew of any soup kitchens open or anything. I talked to him through the window but I couldn’t figure out if he was there to rob me or just ask for soup. And I can’t resolve that I either fearfully had my hand on the lock and treated a starving person like a criminal or I actually was about to be robbed. I mean I keep telling myself I’m justified because who approaches a car at 1 am at a bank. But I wonder what if I said stay here I’ll be back with some food. This is the kinda events that happen in my life. How am I to know. And to make it more confusing. About two minutes later the guy that runs the local boxing gym is there with some friends. So I wonder. If I had messed up and he pulled me outta the car. Would that guy have been there for back up.


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