These past days/weeks have been really weird. I don’t even know where to start?
Basically, I have no clue what the hell is happening anymore.
I’m going to make a list of what I’ve been experiencing lately, and please tell me if you’re in the same spot, or if you have been before. Because I’m desperate to know what is happening.
I have little to no appetite at all. I’m lucky if I manage to eat at least one meal a day.
I literally have NO memory of things I’ve done or what’s been happening lately. When I look back at the past week or so, I only remember the most useless things. Everything else is just a fog.
Apathy… this apathy is the worst. I don’t care about anything. I don’t want to do anything. Nothing excites me. I feel nothing. Everything’s whatever.
I talk to myself aloud? A lot? It feels like I’ve got no control over it and it makes me paranoid because it feels like someone or something is controlling me and is making me talk uncontrollably and constantly?
When I do talk to myself, it’s about the most useless and strangest things. It can be speaking about a pink shampo bottle with no correlation to what I was talking about before? It’s also me speaking in different languages, switching between Swedish and English (my native language is Swedish).
Extremely scared of the dark, in case something in there is going to appear and murder me.
Terrified of opening doors because I don’t know what’s hiding on the other side of the door.
I can’t look at myself in the mirror because I’m scared that it’s not going to be me in that mirror, if that makes sense? I looked at myself in the mirror once some days ago and it freaked me out, especially my eyes. I didn’t look like me at all, and after that I was scared of being in my own body because I know I am in the scary persons body (the one who was in the mirror). I don’t know if this makes any sense at all.
I think the people around me are replaced with robots so that they can’t help me when I am being attacked by “them”… not only attacked, but also raped, tortured and murdered.
The list above is reflecting some of the stuff I’m going through at the moment. I really need you guys’ help because I’m terrified right now and I don’t know why.
Sorry, I know it’s long but if you read it all, thank you so much.
That’s the problem. You have to go back on them again. Have you told your psychiatrist that you came off them? He may start you back on them at a lower dose to begin with again.
I’m aware that it was stupid of me to just quit taking them like that. But they never helped me anyway. That must be a proof that I’m not even ill, because then they would help me… if that makes sense…
Not all meds work for everyone. You have to try to find the one that works for you. Almost all the atypicals don’t work well for me. I take haldol and it works really well. But I went through over a dozen meds and countless combinations before I got here because no one wants to prescribe haldol anymore.
It sounds like you’re having the start of a relapse. Take some medication to cope with the symptoms you’re having. It isn’t a failure when you have to go back on medications. You’ll begin to feel better once the meds take their effect. Please take care - it could get worse if you don’t take action to do something about it now.
You should tell your Pdoc that your meds don’t work and that you want to try new meds. But please go tell him. You sound like you’re getting psychotic. You don’t want to be completely gone mentally - that’s no fun. It’s scary for you and everyone around you. I always take my meds, and when they’re not working I tell my doctor. I still have residual symptoms, and I’m going to see a different pdoc and see if she will help me change my meds to take it better. What you’re going through sucks, and trying different meds is worth it because when you get the right ones you’ll be feeling a lot better.
At first i thought maybe its depression. When i read on i senced anxiety.
If i were you i would repeat to myself “im ok, it just seems to me something is bad”.
I remember my bad days. I ran to people totally shaken and sencing danger. Ran to people for shelter. But now i know that circumstances didnt change…and in a while i felt safe again.
I can relate to a few of the things that you said… I have had a rough month symptom wise and have no clue whether they are because of depression, anxiety, psychosis or something else!
All I can say is that self care is very important! In your lowest points, you may not see the point or think you don’t deserve it. That’s how I get sometimes at least. But you do deserve to be looked after, especially by yourself. Your brain is lying to you. Our brains are lying to us.
I agree with what others have said, see your psychiatrist regarding the medication withdrawal! Or even a doctor. They may not have helped you but they still would have changed levels of chemicals in your brain and withdrawing from that will no doubt have caused some unpleasant symptoms in itself.
Sorry to hear you have been going through this…