Living on the edge

Do you guys feel like your are living on the edge in a way? Like something bad is going to happen to you at any time? Or you feel you could go insane at any moment and gave to be hospitalized?? No one at my work knows I’m ill except the rest of my crew. But they don’t know my diagnosis. When I’m at work I am acutely aware that at any moment, the office workers that I’m around all day could find out somethings ‘off’ with me. So I am constantly “on”, acting normal.

My Pdoc used to tell me that I always seemed to be expecting something bad to happen. I had to agree that it wasted a lot of time worrying about things that may never happen, and if they did happen, there was no way to prevent it anyway.
You’d be surprised at how normal this is for the normals as well.

I am alway double checking my actions… (what would a normal do?) Sometimes when I’m working hard to act normal and wearing myself down to seem normal; people in my preservation unit will quietly say, “Even normal people would be confused by this situation” then I feel better. I try not to think about relapse. That bad boy scares me. At work, I’m pretty open about my SZ. I ended up with a very cool boss in this job.

I constantly feel this way. I compulsively hide my symptoms, making sure I seem as “normal” as possible, and it’s exhausting. It’s like working at a renaissance faire, where you have to play a character all day, interacting with patrons and staying in character. It’s not easy! But every day, I do this, so I can interact with my friends and other people, and look like one of them. But I’m always worried that I’ll slip, or I’ll get too sick and start showing my symptoms. It’s happened many times, but usually only in front of people that I trust enough that it’s not too big a deal, but I know it’s disturbing when I start rocking and babbling nonsense to myself and getting scared of apparently nothing. So I try to make up for that by seeming as normal as possible as much as possible.

I keep my illness secret, i have told couple of guys about my diagnosis but i regretted, those people that know they don’t want to associate with me that much even i told them that it was a false diagnoses.

i always make sure i act normal, (dark sith leaves coffee shop gets into spaceship and fly’s off to another galaxy)
take care

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