To be or not to be...Normal


Continuing the discussion from Oh those delusions again:

You know how you and I have talked a little about what we do to appear normal at the doctors office? How we try and present ourselves in a lucid manner hoping that he/she will take us seriously, understand that we’re not doing well, and hopefully see that if we’re lucid, and coherent will talk with us about this and not at us.
Well, I gave up trying to be lucid, coherent or normal in anyway. I figured if he said it’s “hospital time again”, so be it. The way I was feeling, I might have agreed.

Much to my surprise, my brother Jack came along. Odd, but cool. So with my sisters journals, my Dad’s observations, Jack’s side of the story and my obvious diminishment of lucid compared to just three weeks ago, the doctor took this situation seriously and could see I am not responding well at all to what just happened to the meds. It helped so much having some family there all saying “look, it’s not been going well.”

Why be normal? So I just let it go. I sank into my head, I let myself rock, and play with my hair, and if I forgot to blink, so what? When the word salad came, I didn’t work to stop it. I didn’t ignore my intrusive thoughts, I just blurted them out no matter who was talking. Usually I try to put a lid on it. But I’ve been too tired and too upset to use my energy this way. I didn’t work as hard as I normally do to try and come off as a reasonably lucid adult. Maybe that’s what did it.

Now all I have to do to get the house back to normal is find a piano. I killed the last one. That big piano shaped empty space is hard to look at. Plus it was my sister’s piano.


I have trouble just “turning it off” and letting my symptoms show, it’s like a compulsion for me to hide. It’s only overtly visible if I’m too far gone to have the faculties to hide. Of course, some stuff leaks through, sometimes I forget to emote and my affect stays flattened, and often I’ll catch myself withdrawing, and I’ll have to shake myself back to the present. But for the most part I just look anxious and distracted.

Of course, at the rate I’m going, eventually I’ll just be too far gone, and hiding won’t be an option. Maybe then my doctor will actually take me seriously.


If i get any left field thoughts(a rarer occurrence since regularly on depot) i keep them to myself. It’s hard to display anxiety when most of it is internalised and outward physical signs are minimal. How do you portray inner dread?


Exactly! I don’t act on my suspicions, like if I think my friends are conspiring against me, I don’t say anything because then they’d know that I know! Also most of the time I can actually tell myself, “no, it’s just a delusion”, and even if I don’t quite believe that, it’s enough self-doubt to keep me from acting.


Usually when the word salad wants to take a hold, I can sort of hear the clang in my head. I try and slow down when I’m talking so I can get better words, or not repeat myself over and over. I make sure to concentrate to the other person talking so I can stay on topic.I also grip the sides of the chair so I don’t spring up and pace. But this time, just to tired. I let myself sit in my head, I didn’t have the energy to check what I was thinking of saying. I just said it. I didn’t have the energy to concentrate on what was being said around me so if some of my responses were off topic, oh well.

What ever happened, i’ve ended up back on a med combo that I trust.