My friend overdosed on drugs a month ago. Opiates are the only thing that make me feel normal besides anti psychotics those kind of put me in a haze sometimes… I feel terrible after my friends death because we were using drugs together. Right now I am taking suboxone which I got illegally I know I could easily go to a clinic and get on suboxone maintenance if I can find a place that would take insurance. I would probably have to tell my parents though and my mom would be upset. I am fairly high functioning for someone who is often psychotic. I am going to community college and after the class I am taking this summer I have 24 credits left until I get my associates. I only took 3 classes last semester but I got all A’s even though I was high for the majority of it including my psych final which I aced. I don’t know how to live without taking drugs wether it’s prescribed (anti psychotics and lyrica) or illegal drugs like oxycodone, raw h, suboxone. I realize all my desires cause suffering my desire to get high led to one of my close friends dying I only have two left who I rarely see because I isolate myself. Sometimes when people text me I just make up an excuse it’s hard to make plans when I don’t know wether I’ll be psychotic or not that day. Life is so hard and I feel like ■■■■.
@Dsyncd nobody promises that life will get better but there’s always tomorrow. That’s the motto I live by.
You have to take care of your drug problem. You have to quit sometime so do it now and get it over with. Drugs are a dead end. Drugs take a toll in obvious ways, they wreck your mind, your health, and drain money that you could be spending elsewhere on something productive or something good for you.
I was addicted to crack from 1986-1990. My life revolved around getting and using drugs. I never had a knife or gun pulled on me but lots of f*cked up stuff happened to me. I almost permanently wrecked my life because of my drug use. It cost me jobs, it almost ruined my health, it almost made me lose my family and I lost just about every one of my meagar possessions because I sold or traded them for crack.
I had embarrassing, humiliating things happen to me. I knocked on all my dads neighbors doors and borrowed money by making up bulls*it stories that made them give me money. The neighbors fell for it for awhile but then they complained to my dad and it embaressed him and me. I begged for drugs. Anyways, you know the drill, you know the messed up things that happen in your life due to drugs.
But in 1990 I started going to AA. I was living in a group home and I wandered downstairs one night and discovered a small AA meeting being held in the kitchen. I wa invited to join so I sat in and the people were really cool and no one bugged me and I just sat there and listened. I started going regularly even though I drank in between meetings.
But one night I was laying upstairs in my room and I hadn’t smoked crack in a few weeks but all of a sudden the craving, obsession and compulsion to use hit me full force. My brain went tinto drug addict mode and I made the plan to get up early and take the bus for an hour and half to my parents friends house and borrow a hundred dollars and then take the bus two hours to get some crack.
I had this anticipatory high just laying there planning for tomorrow. But you know what? I fell asleep but when I woke up the next morning my first thought was my plan. But a second later I thought, “That was crazy” and overnight the compulsion and obsession to use that I had for four years was gone. I felt at peace.
I think what happened was all the good stuff I heard in those meetings had planted a seed in my brain of recovery and the knowledge I had heard in so many meetings had been imprinted in my brain and wiped out the desire to use.
Well, it’s 29 years later and I have had no cravings or desire to do drugs or drink this entire time. I don’t miss drugs, I never miss drugs.
And I started going to meetings regularly; I found other meetings within walking distance or I caught the bus and soon I was going to at least 5 meetings a week. And then my life just blossomed. I became employable again. I enrolled myself in college. I made a couple of friends and me and a friend would go to meetings together or onweekends we would take the bus to the record store or to a movie. My family started trusting me again. I didn’t have to hide my whereabouts anymore or I didn’t have to lie about where my money was going. I started going to my sisters house on weekends and doing fun things like going to the beach or to comedy clubs etc.
AA, CA and NA work. THey kept me clean. There are othe ways to get cleanbut AA is free and not only helps stop drugbusage but they teach you anhonest, way to live by following a few simple principlils. AA is a good place to socialize and even make friends. I have heard so many stories by addicts and alcoholics in AA about people who had done drugs for twenty years or more but they still got clean and sober in AA. From over a thousand meetings I have learned that no one is to far gone or hopeless. It doesn’t matter what drugs you use, how much drugs you use, how long you have used: you can still get clean. I shared my story so that maybe you can relate and maybe you found something in it that can help you. I’ve sat in rooms with people who had been in prison for years or slept in a pool of their own urine on the sidewalk in broad daylight passed out or women who had sold themselves for that fix. They did those things for twenty years but then they tell how they quit and became responsible, sober, productive members of society for the past 5, 10, 25 years.
I can’t say enough positive things about AA, CA, and NA. I will leave you with this last thought: It is not impossible to quit drugs. I hope you got something from this and have a nice night.
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